...over the course of about 12 hours yesterday,
we saw what a mess this race has become,
and also, how lucky the two nominees are
because what's now clear is that both Hillary Clinton
and Donald Trump are running against the only person
who they could possibly beat.
(laughter)
So, so, let's start off, let's start off
with madam secretary at Yahoo.com.
Yesterday FBI Director James Comey announced
that Hillary Clinton would not be prosecuted
for her e-mail scandal, despite the fact that
just about everything she's told us about it for the past year
has been a lie.
For example, last year she said this.
I did not e-mail any, um,
classified material to anyone on my e-mail.
110 e-mails in 52 e-mail chains have been determined
by the owning agency to contain classified information
at the time they were sent or received.
Okay, okay, that's-that's...
that's pretty bad, that's pretty bad.
I responded right away and provided all my e-mails
that could possibly be work-related.
The FBI also discovered several thousand work-related e-mails
that were not among the group of 30,000 e-mails
returned by Secretary Clinton.
Ooh!
We went through a thorough process to identify
all of my work-related e-mails.
Lawyers doing the sorting for Secretary Clinton in 2014
did not individually read the content of all of her e-mails.
I thought it would be easier to carry just one device.
She also used numerous mobile devices.
There were no security breaches.
It is possible that hostile actors gained access
to Secretary Clinton's personal e-mail account.
Did Hillary tell the truth about anything?!
I feel like the next time I hear her say,
(imitating Hillary): "I'm Hillary Clinton
and I approve this message,"
the FBI director's gonna pop out
and be like, "Her real name is Philip G. Mackadoo."
Why, Hillary, why?
You do understand that your lies have besmirched
the Clinton name, a name synonymous with integ...
You know what, that's not the point, you just...
That's not the point, the point is...
the point is (bleep).
That's the point.
The cornerstone of Hillary's entire campaign has been
the idea that she's the responsible candidate,
sound judgment, disciplined, dependable.
Hillary Clinton is basically the Volkswagen of candidates.
She's the efficient, practical choice that's been in the game
for years and now, just like Volkswagen,
turns out there's a whole lot of (bleep)
she's been hiding from us.
(applause)
Come on, Hillary!
You know, in any normal race
this would be fatal for a campaign.
And so last night, at his own speech,
all Donald Trump had to do is put the final nail
in the coffin.
All he had to do was focus on Hillary.
Focus, Donald.
Saddam Hussein was a bad guy, right?
He was a bad guy.
Really bad guy.
But you know what he did well?
He killed terrorists.
He did that so good.
They didn't read him the rights.
They didn't talk.
They were terrorists, it was over.
Yo, can... can I ask you guys a fa...
Is this, like, a prank?
Are you playing a prank on me?
What the (bleep), dude?
This was your chance to bury Hillary.
This is not the time to praise Saddam Hussein.
To be honest, I don't know when the time is
to praise Saddam Hussein, but I do know
that this is not the time.
Yes, yes, yes,
Saddam Hussein killed terrorists.
Yes, Saddam Hussein killed terrorists.
You know who else he killed?
Everyone.
If you kill everyone, you're bound to kill some terrorists.
Saddam was also really hard on dry cleaners, schoolteachers.
Are you gonna praise him for that too?
Like, who are you?
How is one party's nominee for president
praising a mass murderer, people?
You know... I-I don't know, I don't know...
I don't... I didn't think I'd ever say this, but, like,
you have to feel bad for the Republicans at this point.
I bet at the end of every day after Paul Ryan
meets with Donald Trump, he's driving home, on the phone like,
"Hey, honey, yeah, I'm, uh, I'm coming home.
"Yeah, I-I think he's learned his lesson this time--
"no more dumb tweets, no more crazy (bleep) in his speeches.
"Yeah, just... Hold on, hold on, I'm getting...
"I'm getting a text. I'm getting... All right, baby,
"you better start dinner without me. You better
"start it without me.
I got to go back."
And by the way, by the way--
this was not a gaffe.
Because Donald Trump's been down with Saddam for a while.
In fact, last year this is how he talked
about Saddam's use of chemical weapons.
Saddam Hussein throws a little gas,
everyone goes crazy. "Oh, he's using gas."
Help me understand.
Is America really considering electing a man
who talks about war crimes
like he's on an episode of
(slurring): You know, Saddam Hussein,
he-he throws a little gas,
everybody goes crazy.
Oh, he's using gas on the region,
Oh, we're destabled now.
(imitates vomiting)
All right, maybe... maybe it's just me,
but I think alarm bells should be going off
when a potential leader repeatedly praises
not-so-democratic dictators.
Donald Trump praising the leadership style
of Vladimir Putin.
(Trump speaking)
Donald Trump was actually kind of praising Kim Jong-un.
You got to give him credit. He wiped out the uncle,
he wiped out this one, that one.
I mean, this guy doesn't play games.
If we had Gaddafi in charge,
instead of having terrorism all over the place,
we'd be... At least they killed terrorists.
You retweeted somebody from @ilduce2016.
It was a Mussolini quote.
Look, Mussolini was Mussolini, it's okay to g...
It's a very good quote.
You want to be associated with a fascist?
No, I want to be associated with interesting quotes.
You...
(audience laughing, applauding)
you want to be...
associated with interesting quotes?
Oh, Donald.
You don't want to be president.
You want a teenager's Instagram account.
That's what you want.
So, look, America,
this is where you are.
Grandma Nixon
or a traffic cone soaked in raw sewage.
Those are your choices.
A real Sophie's choice, really.
If Sophie hated both of her kids.
Uh... Can I be honest with you guys?
Can I be honest with you? Can I...
-AUDIENCE: Yeah. -All right. And you can
kick me out of the country after I've said it,
but I'm-I'm just gonna be honest with you and say this.
Maybe you shouldn't have an election.
No, maybe you shouldn't have an election.
-(cheering, applause) -Not now. Not now.
Because right now, right now America looks like
it's getting into a marriage it's going to regret.
And everyone can see that this is a bad idea.
And I-I get it, look, I get it--
you've got... you've got everything scheduled.
You've got the wedding... the wedding planned, you know?
you've invited everybody over.
You've spent an enormous amount of money.
But I'm gonna be that asshole friend who tells you like it is.
Maybe you need to call it off.
Do not go through with this wedding.
Because I'm telling you, two years from now,
you're gonna see your ex walking down the street and think,
"Man, I didn't realize
how good I had it."