Okay. "You must now demonstrate your lorry driving skills
by… power sliding your trucks around…"
I presume it is that skid pad.
What is the point? You can't power slide lorries, anyway.
Technically, you can't power slide anything.
"To prove that it's possible, you will now watch a demonstration
"by our tame racing driver."
"Some say that his favorite all-time tune is Forever Autumn by Justin Hayward
and that he has the world's largest collection of pornographical material."
All we know is, he's not The Stig, but he is The Stig's lorry-driving cousin.
Look, he's got the lorry driver's suntan.
Oh, sunburn. I see, yes.
-He's really as big as the American Stig. -Rig Stig.
-Yeah. Yeah. -Yeah.
Rig Stig climbed into his tuned man and set off.
-Look at that! -That's fantastic.
I love the smell of burning rubber in the morning when it is coming off that.
That is power sliding now.
-Look at that! -He's doing a doughnut!
His tires... Run for your lives!
Run for your lives!
So, James, what do you reckon? You can do that?
Piece of cake.
Gingerly, we hit the skid pan.
Now, you see, this strip I've put here, I can't really see where I'm going.
Take the outside line, second gear high range.
Now, power sliding is easy in a car. Turn in, no power on.
No, that's not gone as well as I'd hoped.
Here we go. A slide.
Come on, you're a racing truck. This is what you should be good at.
Oh, my bonnet… I've driven over my own bonnet.
Left foot braking, there's the answer.
That didn't work, so I gave it more welly.
And that really didn't work.
No, no!
Yeah, I'll do some of that.
It doesn't work.
Meanwhile, in the Renault…
Come on! Spin!
****
This lorry driving, it turns out, is quite a lot harder than I thought.
Have you done something to your leg as well?
-Yeah, the gear lever's gone up my ass. -Right, okay.
After the gear lever had been removed from Jeremy's bottom,
we moved on to the next challenge.
I've lost the suspension linkages, come off.
-On your leg? -No, on the lorry.
"You will now drive to Millbrook's High Speed Bowl."
Ah, you see! I told you there'd be a speed test.
"But, first, you must hitch up a trailer
and get there via the Alpine handling course."
-That's hundreds of miles. -No.
...it's here, you idiot. It's just over there.
This is where car makers test the handling of their new models.
It's also where James Bond rolled his Aston Martin in Casino Royale.
In a car, it is huge fun.
In a lorry… it probably isn't.
"From the moment you arrive at the Alpine course,
you have three minutes to get round.
You will also need to drive smoothly because your trailer is full of valuables."
-Valuables? -Valuables?
They weren't kidding.
Richard's trailer contained a car that hadn't been fastened down.
Mine contained an enormous wedding-cake.
And in Jeremy's, there was some straw, which didn't seem so bad,
but at the other end, there was an electric fire.
First though, we had to get the trailers attached to our lorries.
Now, where's my truck?
There's no back window.
Right, I don't see why this needs to be all that difficult.
Which way is that now? So I need to get that…
Hammond, being familiar with farmyard machinery,
-was confident of a quick hitch up. -Easy.
-Us two, however… -Well, where does that go?
Didn't think this would be difficult and it's not.
-It's done. -The space between the cab…
-Yours is done? -Yeah.
If a lorry driver can do that, why isn't he a brain surgeon?
Scale. You know how he's finished…
Hi. You're looking smug.
Eventually, some men came to help James and I,
which gave me a chance to mend my window.
-Why are you doing that? -Because I can't see where I'm going.
Didn't you think of that when you put it on?
No.
Finally, we were ready to go.
Away we go.
You know, the, "I've done it, I've finished."
-Yeah, but… -You know that bit?
-Maybe the pin's broken. -No.
It could just be a faulty bracket that holds the…
Okay, you're in there.
Eventually, we were ready to go again.
Sorry about that. Right, we're off.
Forgive me for saying this, but how hard can it be?
Can somebody bring the forklift back?
So, third time lucky.
Oh, this is brilliant.
Oi!
It was just over a mile from the hitching point to the Alpine course,
but that was enough to give us a taste
of what it's like to be a real lorry-driver.
For starters, there's the sheer number of gears.
First, into first and a half.
-Second. -Two and a half.
In a car, you can go from 1000 rpm to 7000 or 8000.
In this, its 1200 to 1500.
And then you have to change gear, 300 revs.
-Get in! -Get in!
And when you finally reach 18th gear,
you get carved up and you have to start all over again.
Now I've just been overtaken by someone who has now slowed down.
Don't stop!
That's the car.
Why can't it just be…?
Somebody get a move on up there.
If I have to start from the beginning of my gears again, I'll kill myself.
First, first and a half.
Just let the lorry go, always let the lorry go.