- Hey, Sue, did the president call?
- No.
("The Star-Spangled Banner" plays)
- I live on a regular street in real America
with real trees and real cars.
- Oh!
- [Selina On TV] We do have real cars on my street.
- [Selina] Wait for it.
- [Selina On TV] I'm not sure what a fake car would be...
exactly
- Oh, bam! (slaps)
I should be president or something.
(laughs)
- Look at this.
- [Selina] What is it?
- They're calling you the "No B.S. VP."
- Damn right they are.
(laughs)
I mean, I lied and everything, but it sounded
true at least.
- Uh-huh.
- Some paper is calling you the Europhobic Khaleesi from DC.
- Europhobic, seriously?
What is that supposed to mean?
I'm scared of subtitles?
- Ah, ma'am?
- Yes?
- The Listen to Rural American program that you okayed
with POTUS after the midterms is looking-
- You know what?
Why don't you put on your running shoes
and get to the (bleep) point, Jonah.
Sue, so did the president call?
- No.
- No?
Dan, did your boyfriend know anything about this?
- I was trying to use Jonah for intelligence.
- That's like trying to use a croissant
as a (bleep) dildo.
- I thought-
- No, no, no, let me be more clear.
It doesn't do the job and it makes a (bleep) mess.
Sue, Sue, Sue, did the president call?
- [Sue] No.
- No. Yeah, okay, right.
- Well, there's the briefing on the fiscal
responsibility bill at the White House.
I just assumed you'd be there.
- I wasn't invited, what?
This is happening-
- Right now.
- (bleep) that POTUS.
- Selena is on next year's list of hurricanes.
- Oh, (bleep).
What if it hits and we get headlines
saying "Selena causing large-scale devastation."
- People won't equate you with a natural disaster, ma'am.
- Really, Amy?
'Cause I've met some people, okay?
Real people.
And I gotta tell yah, a lot of them are (bleep) idiots.
I'm going. They can't keep me out there.
(hurried footsteps)
- FYI, ma'am, the president is not calling.
- FYI, Gary, no (bleep).
- Okay.
- [Selina] What's happening with these tentacles here?
Are they going to get put away or something?
POTUS is gonna resign.
And I'm about to become president.
Of America.
(sobs)
No, no, no, oh, don't cry.
Oh, don't cry.
(sobs)
Oh, your nose is bleeding.
Oh, you're bleeding.
Oh my God, you're bleeding.
(hurried footsteps)
I'm coming in.
(hurried footsteps)
Okay.
- [Gary] Okay.
You ready?
(door creaks)
- [Selina] Hi guys.
I need to know how you gals want
to play the whole gay thing.
- I'm sorry, I don't know?
- Mike has been getting a bunch of questions
and interview requests and you know, et cetera, et cetera.
And I just don't know how you want to handle that.
Do you want to play it more like a mystery?
- I think that we were kind of hoping that we could keep
things on the down-low.
- Okay, can you just speak English, Catherine?
Because I don't know-
- Madam President, if it's all the same to you,
we don't want our private life to be politicized.
- Okay, I get that.
I respect that.
We'll keep it under the gaydar.
Jesus Christ, you know?
You do your best.
You try to serve the people and then
they just (bleep) you over.
- Yep.
- And you know why?
Because they're ignorant and they're dumb as (bleep).
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is democracy.
God (bleep) it.
Wait, let me get you a pig.
- Oh, (bleep).
Gary, I just, there's no toilet paper.
- Martin Collins, secret service guy we reassigned.
- Mm-hm.
- He's back.
He's been un-reassigned.
- Are you kidding me?
- Not great, admittedly.
- [Selina] Not great admittedly, yeah.
That should be the title of my (bleep) memoir.
He's not outside here, is he?
Oh, hi!
Oh my, okay, great.
All right.
That's all I want to say to him for the rest of my life.
(babbling)
I don't even know what you just said.
(laughs)
What are you laughing about, Jolly Green (bleeps) Face?
(laughs)
What is this (mumbles)?
Oh shit that looks bad through here.
(laughs)
Bill is going to be our new campaign manager.
- I'm flattered but the answer is no.
- I'm sorry, what?
- I hate to say I've got a better offer,
but I've got a better offer.
- Is it Danny Chung, that desperate (bleep) covered
in medals that he got on eBay, by the way?
- Not Chung, it's Thornhill.
- [Selina] What?
Baseball Joe?
That man's a vegetable.
Seriously.
So he can catch a ball.
- He can win.
He did it on the field when nobody thought
he had a chance; people love his story,
they love his attitude.
- I don't love your attitude.
So why don't you go and (bleep)-
- With all due respect-
- You know what?
You stop interrupting me, you stupid (bleep) interrupty guy.
Number one, Congressman, I'm sick
of taking your (bleep), okay?
Number two, number one again.
(laughs)
(laughs) Stick these in your nose?
Shove this up there?
That will do the trick.
This is a man's world that we live in
because of the axis of (bleep).
You said that everything was movable
and that's not movable.
That's immovable.
- Surely nothing is immovable.
- Amy, this is like explaining gravity
to a chicken.
(laughs)
Why is there a bicycle book?
Gary, seriously.
(laughs)
Oh my God, you look so disgusting.
- I love bicycles.
(cheers)
- Oh my God, are these for me?
- Holy shit, it's like Lolla (bleep) palooza.
- [Dan] This is awesome.
- It's like I'm a Beatle.
- Well, you got the haircut for it.
- Congressman Ryan, I haven't spoken to you
since the historic House vote.
- Yes, I'll just sit here.
- [Selina] I just wanted to thank you for all
that you've done for me.
And I want to let you know that I will destroy you in ways
that are so creative, they will honor me
for it at the Kennedy Center.
I got it, here, shove these in.
(laughs)
Shove these in.
(laughs)
We gotta go.
(knocks)
Uh-oh.
- Everything all right?
(claps)
(laughs)
Great, I need to go.
("The Star-Spangled Banner" plays)