>> Stephen: FOLKS IN A MINUTE I'M GOING TO DO
"STEPHEN COLBERT'S MIDNIGHT CONFESSIONS."
THAT WAS THE FIRST CONFESSION.
MY SECOND CONFESSION-- AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS-- WE
DO THIS SHOW FOR MONEY.
I OFFERED TO DO IT FOR COLLEGE CREDIT, BUT CBS INSISTS ON
PAYING ME.
AND SO WE HAVE SPONSORS, WHOM WE LOVE AS IF THEY WERE CHILDREN
WHO PAID US MONEY.
TONIGHT, WE WELCOME A NEW SPONSOR: ALLERGY MEDICATION AND
HIGHEST SCORING SCRABBLE WORD XYZAL.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, HERE'S THE DEAL-- I DON'T
ACTUALLY HAVE TO TALK ABOUT ANY OF THE PRODUCTS, OKAY.
I JUST HAVE TO MENTION THE PRODUCT, AND I HAVE ALREADY DONE
SO.
BUT IN THIS CASE, I WOULD LIKE TO TALK TO XYZAL'S MASCOT, NIGEL
THE OWL.
GIVE IT UP FOR NIGEL THE OWL, EVERYBODY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HI, NIGEL.
>> HELLO, STEPHEN!
>> Stephen: NIGEL, WHY FOR THIS PRODUCT, IF YOU DON'T MIND ME
ASKING, WHY FOR THIS PRODUCT DO YOU GUYS USE AN OWL?
>> BECAUSE OWLS ARE ASSOCIATED WITH NIGHT.
IF ALLERGY SYMPTOMS KEEP YOU UP AT NIGHT, XYZAL GIVES YOU RELIEF
SO YOU CAN SLEEP.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: OKAY.
YOU KNOW OWLS ARE NOCTURNAL, RIGHT?
YOU'RE UP ALL NIGHT.
WHAT'S THE DEAL?
DOES THIS MEAN OWLS ARE WATCHING ME SLEEP?
>> NO, NO, NO, NO.
I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT ALLERGY SYMPTOMS DON'T HAVE TO
RUIN YOUR SLEEP.
BE WISE-ALL, TAKE XYZAL.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: NO, NO, I'M SORRY.
WHAT WAS THAT LAST THING?
>> I SAID, "BE WISE-ALL, TAKE XYZAL."
>> Stephen: WHAT IS "WISE-ALL?" IS THAT A WORD?
>> OH, YES.
PEOPLE SAY "WISE-ALL" FREQUENTLY.
>> Stephen: NO.
ARE YOU SURE IT'S NOT Y'ALL, LIKE "BE WISE, Y'ALL?"
>> NO.
BE WISE-ALL, TAKE XYZAL.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
I SAW THE BOX.
YOU CAN PUT IT AWAY.
( LAUGHTER ) PUT THE BOX AWAY.
THAT WASN'T PART OF THE DEAL, NIGE!
BECAUSE IT REALLY SOUNDS LIKE YOU WORKED BACKWARDS FROM
"XYZAL" TO MAKE IT RHYME, AND THE WISE THING IS BECAUSE YOU'RE
AN OWL OR SOMETHING.
BUT XYZAL IS ALSO A MADE-UP NAME.
YOU COULD'VE CALLED THE MEDICINE "LART" AND THEN YOUR SLOGAN
COULD BE "BE SMART, TAKE LART."
( LAUGHTER ) >> THAT MAKES NO SENSE.
>> Stephen: NIGEL THE OWL, EVERYBODY!
NIGEL THE OWL RIGHT THERE.
DON'T TAKE WANT BOX OUT.
PUT THE BOX BACK!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ENOUGH!
NOW, AS MANY OF YOU KNOW BY NOW, I'M A ROMAN CATHOLIC.
BUT I HAVE A HARD TIME GETTING TO MASS SOMETIMES BECAUSE
THERE'S NO BAR THERE.
AND THAT MAKES ME MISS MY FAVORITE CATHOLIC TRADITION,
CONFESSION.
SO IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'D LIKE TO CONFESS TO YOU RIGHT NOW, MY
AUDIENCE.
YOU WON'T TELL ANYBODY, RIGHT?
>> Audience: OF COURSE NOT!
>> Stephen: GREAT.
THIS IS "STEPHEN COLBERT'S MIDNIGHT CONFESSIONS"!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I DON'T KNOW IF THESE ARE
TECHNICALLY SINS, BUT I DO FEEL BAD ABOUT THEM.
OKAY, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
♪ ♪ ♪ FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE.
XYZAL PAID US A LOT OF MONEY.
( LAUGHTER ) AUDIENCE, BEFORE I DID MY TAXES
YESTERDAY, I DUCT TAPED A PRINTER TO MY SON AND CALLED HIM
A HOME OFFICE.
( LAUGHTER ) LEGALLY CHANGED HIS NAME.
AUDIENCE, I'M JUST GOING TO KEEP POURING BACON GREASE DOWN THE
DRAIN UNTIL I HAVE TO MOVE.
( LAUGHTER ) ONCE, ONCE, AUDIENCE, I MISSED
MY KID'S SOCCER GAME BECAUSE I WAS WATCHING A BETTER SOCCER
GAME.
( LAUGHTER ) I TELL MY FAMILY WE HAVE AN
EMERGENCY PREPAREDNESS KIT, BUT THE ONLY THING IN THERE IS A
CLIF BAR AND SOME NUNCHUCKS.
( LAUGHTER ) SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES I'LL PET A
DOG JUST BECAUSE I HAVE SOMETHING GROSS ON MY HAND I
NEED TO WIPE OFF.
( LAUGHTER ) MY FAVORITE THING TO BINGE WATCH
IS ALCOHOL ENTERING MY MOUTH.
( LAUGHTER ) OH, LOOK. IT'S "BOURBON: EPISODE
NINE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE SEASON FINALE'S GONNA BE
CRAZY.
( LAUGHTER ) WHEN I ASK SOMEONE, "HOW'S IT
GOING?" I GET ANNOYED IF THEY TELL ME.
( LAUGHTER ) AUDIENCE, WHENEVER I GO TO A
BATHROOM AND SEE ONE OF THOSE "EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANDS"
SIGNS, I ALWAYS THINK "IT'S A GOOD THING I DON'T WORK HERE."
( LAUGHTER ) I THINK INCOME INEQUALITY IS ONE
OF AMERICA'S GREATEST PROBLEMS UNTIL THEY BRING ME THAT
LITTLE HOT TOWEL IN FIRST CLASS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( LAUGHTER )
AT THE PETTING ZOO, INSTEAD OF FOOD PELLETS, I FEED THE GOATS
ADDERALL SO THEY PAY MORE ATTENTION TO ME.
( LAUGHTER ) FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE!
>> Audience: WE FORGIVE YOU!
>> Stephen: THANKS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ROSE BYRNE!