Are you ready to start letting go of some of those distorted and painful feelings?
I hope the last couple of videos have helped you get the idea that the process of struggling with
and shaming your emotions makes you feel worse, but I also hope that you haven't gotten the idea
that you just have to feel crappy forever. You just have to go through the stage of feeling in order
to get to the stage of feeling better. So just because we aren't labeling emotions as "good" or "bad",
and we aren't struggling with or fighting them, doesn't mean that all emotions are truthful,
helpful, or even what we're really feeling. There's a lot of reasons why something we're feeling
isn't going to be helpful, but to get to this point where we're exploring that, we have to stop judging
and resisting and labeling our emotions, long enough to explore them, and figure out what's
under them. So there's a lot of reasons why what we're feeling isn't based on reality, it could be a
cognitive distortions, an unhelpful world of view, self-justification, or what we're going to talk
about in this section secondary emotions. Secondary emotions are a habitual or learned response to
cover up sensitive emotions with a less sensitive emotion. So for example, fear is sensitive and hate
is less sensitive. So people often cover up their fear with hatred. Secondary emotions are all about
self-protection, but in the long run they tend to hurt us much more by ruining relationships,
keeping our guard up, keeping our heart walled off, and that often leads to people feeling angry, numb,
exhausted, and lonely. Secondary emotions lead to more pain and suffering. So in this section
you're going to learn what they are, how to notice them, and what to do instead. And this
is going to help you more effectively overcome anxiety, depression, and get better at feeling.
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you deposit your money. Okay, back to the video. One of the reasons that we have a difficult time
knowing how to act on our emotions, is that many of the emotions we feel are "secondary emotions",
they're an emotion about an emotion, instead of an emotion about an event, and usually they're used
to cover up your primary emotions. So for example- I get a bad grade on a test, so I'm disappointed.
There's the primary emotion, that disappointment hurts because I know I didn't study hard enough,
so then I get angry, maybe then I storm out of the class, and then I feel ashamed because I got angry
because I know it was my fault that I didn't do well. The anger and the shame stem from the
reaction to the disappointment. Or here's another example right- I just found out that we have to
move to a different city because my dad got a new job and I'm sad. That's a primary emotion, then
I feel guilty for feeling sad because I know I should be supporting my family and my dad,
even though I don't want to move. So guilt comes as a learned response to sadness. Here's one more,
you could say- 'oh I hate my boss', you may think that saying something like that out loud is a
healthy emotional expression and it may help you get started, but if you just stick with I hate her,
it doesn't leave you with very many options right? You can quit, you can gossip, you can be bitter, and
you can complain, and you can dread going to work right? Not very many good options in there, but
why do you hate your boss? Is it because she's critical? Is it because she gives you too much
work, or she doesn't appreciate the hard work that you do? If you hate her because she's critical,
what is that really about? Is it about fear, is it about being afraid that you're not good enough?
Is it about being afraid that you'll get fired and run out of food and die?
What you thought was hate was really the stress response. When you realize the emotion is really
about fear, then it gives you some options right? 'I feel afraid, am I actually in danger?'
'No, I'm actually safe, physically safe, I'm okay' right, and then I can calm down. 'Am I actually
not good enough?' 'No, I am good enough at what I do, okay, I can calm that fear' right, or do I need to
develop some new skills? 'Okay, maybe I'm not good enough, maybe I do need to develop some skills to
be better at my job' right? Or, maybe I need to set better boundaries, I need to be more assertive and
acknowledge my own wins and strengths and resources more right? If I feel like I'm not
good enough, but I actually am, I need to change my perspective. If I feel like I'm not good enough
and I actually am not good enough, then I can develop some new skills.
When we get beneath the surface emotions of you know, "hate" in this example, we often
open up a huge set of options, ways that we can change our life and resolve our painful emotions.
When we just stick with secondary emotions we're more likely to experience anxiety and depression
and not even know where it's coming from. Anger is one of the most common secondary emotions because
people, especially boys, have been taught that it's not okay to cry or to be sad or to be vulnerable,
anger is the most convenient emotion to cover up those feelings, so what looks like anger on
the surface is often a protective cover for more sensitive feelings like hurt, fear, embarrassment,
worry, or sadness. Shame is one of the other most common secondary emotions, especially among women.
If you're not allowed to be angry at others, it's easy to avoid or cover up that anger
by blaming yourself for your flaws. It's easy to see how both of these emotions, anger and shame, are
harmful in our lives and in our relationships, but with a little consideration it's easy to see how
they're more comfortable to feel than that underlying real emotion, or at least they're
more comfortable in the short term. It's way more comfortable to be angry at a dumb test or
angry at your boss than it is to feel guilty about studying, you know, guilt asks you to
work harder at studying. So let's explore the difference between primary and secondary emotions.
Primary emotions are instinctive, they're natural, they can be inherently good or functional, but
when reacted to, they can also be harmful. Secondary emotions are learned, protective,
defensive, and avoidant, they're more controlled usually. Primary emotions feel, they can be painful
or pleasurable, sensitive and vulnerable; secondary emotions attempt to control or numb emotions
without listening to what the emotions are you know, emotions often are asking a question
or teaching or helping us in some way. Primary emotions are more instinctual, more intuitive and
they're more reactionary. Secondary emotions tend to come from learning.
So for example, things like- 'I shouldn't cry now' or 'I shouldn't be mad.' So this thinking
process can help us slow down and process through problems without being reactive, but our thinking
process is also a little too good at suppressing emotions in a way that can sometimes be harmful.
Primary emotions keep us connected with others and they can help guide our actions. Secondary
emotions require a certain amount of numbing, they disconnect us from our goals and our values,
and they disconnect us from people. Now don't get me wrong you know, I'm not saying that we should
just blindly act on all of our deep impulses. I do believe that we have some emotions that are quite
natural and also some emotions that are quite harmful. I'm saying that we should be intentional.
We should know what we're feeling, we should explore why we're feeling it, and we should choose
what we want to do about it. If we just act on our secondary emotions, we might not be able to solve
any problems, we'll just spin our wheels right? Secondary emotions are not a form of self-control,
they're just another way of being reactive. This is because secondary emotions don't take the time to
notice or explore the emotion, they just want it to go away at any cost. They keep us from knowing
what we're really feeling. Check out this clip from Goodwill Hunting. Will was terribly abused, and now
you know he's a genius with anger issues, getting into trouble with the law, and in this scene his
therapist is trying to convince him that the abuse is not his fault. (Therapist/Sean) Hey Will, I don't know a lot,
but you see this, all of it,
this is not your fault. (Will) Yeah, I know that.
( Therapist) Look at me son. It's not your fault. (Will) I know. (Therapist) It's not your fault.
(Will) I know. (Therapist) No no you don't, it's not your fault.
(Will) I know. (Therapist) It's not your fault. (Will) All right. (Therapist) It's not your fault,
it's not your fault. (Will) Don't [ __ ] with me.
(Therapist) It's not your fault. (Will) Don't [ __ ] with me all right, don't [ __ ] with me Sean, not you. (Therapist) It's not your fault.
It's not your fault. (Will) Oh my God. Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
Will initially responded to his therapist with anger, with defensiveness,
but when he softened, he began to heal. When we act out on secondary emotions, we tend to attack,
criticize, demand, blame. This leads to constant problems like bad relationships, loneliness, more
stress, and addiction. It pushes others away and it makes it seem impossible to solve
problems. When when we choose to be willing to feel our sensitive emotions, we're more likely
to build connections with others and solve our problems. Really this kickstarts the positive
cycle of feeling more calm, happy, peaceful, and loved, and that's why vulnerability is a superpower.
People who can learn to be vulnerable, to feel those tender emotions, they have better
jobs, better relationships, and they tend to be happier. So the next time you're feeling
wrapped up in an intense emotion, take a deep breath, pause, be willing to feel it,
and then explore you know, is there something underneath this emotion? Is there something more
sensitive down there, and mindfully make room for that feeling and explore what it has to teach you.
Here are some examples- jealousy blames others for doing well, protecting you from the responsibility
of trying hard, but it leaves you feeling bitter. Resentment protects you from connection
and the risk of being hurt, but it leaves you lonely. Blame protects you from responsibility
from guilt, but it leaves you feeling helpless. Hopelessness protects you from having to keep
trying, but it leaves you depressed. When we react to our emotions or we avoid them, when our only
tool is to say 'I feel bad and I don't like it', we don't give ourselves very many options to solve
problems or resolve emotions. We're more likely to find a resolution to our problems and our emotions
when we look deeper than the surface and this is where your skills of noticing and naming emotions,
not judging or avoiding them, and being willing to feel them really start to come into play. So
you've moved from the foundational level to the action level of this course. Being curious about
your emotions opens up the possibility of change. So start by asking yourself what am I feeling?
Allow yourself to wonder where is this emotion coming from? How did I come to feel this way?
Is there something more sensitive underneath? Now this can be really hard to do in the moment
of an intense emotion, so it's a good idea to practice this after the fact in writing.
So check out the workbook activities to get better at identifying and acting on
primary instead of secondary emotions. You can't always believe everything you feel.
Sometimes strong emotions are actually covering up what you're really feeling. You can gain much
better emotional control if you learn to identify the feelings under your feelings. So the next time
you're feeling wrapped up in an intense emotion, take a deep breath, pause, and then explore you
know, is there something underneath this emotion, is there something more sensitive down there?
Mindfully make room for that feeling and explore what it has to teach you.
In the next couple of sections I'm going to teach you some skills to slow yourself down
and calm yourself down so that you can process through your emotions. Thank you for watching
and see you soon. This video is one skill from my 30 skill course- How To Process Your Emotions,
where I teach 30 of the most essential skills for resolving depression, anxiety, and improving mental
health. Emotion processing is an essential skill for working through intense emotions,
but most people have never been taught how to do it. I'm putting every single main video lesson
on youtube for the world to access for free. You watching these videos, sharing them, contributing
to my Patreon, and my sponsors make this possible. If you would like to access the entire course
in one place, ad free, with its workbook, exercises, downloads, extra videos, live Q&A's, additional
short readings, and links to extended resources, the link to buy the course is in the description below.