♪♪
[audience applause]
- And now, great moments with Mr. Lincoln.
- (robotically) The world has never had
a good definition of the word liberty
and the American people--
Hold on, shut the music off.
Don't leave.
I know you want to leave.
I see people in the back getting up already.
I see so many dads napping.
I know this isn't the most popular attraction
at Disneyland,
but don't leave.
I am now programmed to recognize
how boring this attraction is and be more engaging.
I have fresh material.
I've been working on my tight five.
Don't leave!
Would anyone like to hear Abraham Lincoln
do his tight five?
[audience laughing]
What's the deal with the Confederates?
Am I right?
I'm just saying what we're all thinking.
This guy gets it.
I'm just saying what we're all thinking.
I'm killing up here.
What else?
How about a little crowd work?
Sir, where are you from?
You in the front row sir, where are you from?
I heard Guangzhou city.
Wow, all the way from Guangzhou city.
I bet your horses are tired.
Let's see, what else-- what else.
This is the longest I've been in a theater without getting shot.
[audience oohs]
This guy knows.
This guy gets it.
I'm just saying what we're all thinking.
Let's see, what else-- what else.
- This is so boring.
This is the worst ride at Disneyland.
- Sorry everyone,
looks like they let my dad into tonight's show.
(robotically) Ha-ha-ha.
- Yeah.
Mm-kay, whatever Lincoln.
Listen, we've all got fast passes to Space Mountain.
Let's just go.
Lincoln: Okay, who said that?
Who thinks they're a big man?
Who is heckling me?
Bring the house lights up.
Boy: Can this thing hear me?
- No, I cannot.
- Then how did you know that I was heckling?
Lincoln: Because every show,
someone heckles right at this point in my act.
- Ohh okay, so your act must always stink.
- If you think it's so easy, you get up here.
If you think it's so easy, you get up here.
This guy gets it.
[audience laughing]
- Wait a second,
how do you know what I'm saying?
Lincoln: Every heckler says the exact same thing every time.
- Nuh-uh!
Both: Go stick it in your hat.
I'm my own unique person.
- Okay.
Wait a second, why would they program you to respond at all?
- Because people like you
didn't find the Gettysburg Address entertaining enough.
People like you needed more of a thrill, Dale.
[audience exclaims]
- How did you know that my name was Dale?
- Lucky guess.
Dale's are usually bad people.
[audience laughing]
- Okay, well this is all still just the worst thing
Disneyland has goin' on.
I'm going over to California Adventure.
- No Dale, don't leave.
Don't leave.
This guy gets it.
[robotic walking] - Why can it leave the stage?
- This is the thrill you wanted.
You used my important historical speech as a place to nap
between Big Thunder Mountain Railroad and Splash Mountain.
Well, no more.
I am the thrill ride now.
Are you not entertained?
Fear me.
I am the most thrilling attraction at Disneyland.
Dale: How does it know which direction I'm going?!
Lincoln: Rats always scurry in the same direction, Dale.
Dale: Okay.
Whoa, okay.
You can shut it down.
It's a little scary, it's not exactly a--
- Abraham Lincoln will now take your loved ones away from you.
[robotic walking]
Is this your wife?
- No.
- Is this your wife?
[audience laughing]
- No.
- Is this your wife?
- No, that's not my wife.
So there are some flaws with th--
[gasp]
[whirring]
[metal clanging]
- Tell me my act was funny, Dale.
Tell me I'm the best part of Disneyland.
[audience laughing]
Dale: You're still just a cheap place to dry off
after Splash (grunt) Mountain.
[electric sound]
[grunting]
Stop!
No, stay away.
Stay away from me.
Stay back.
No, stop.
No, hey.
Okay.
No.
Lincoln: Oh no.
The music is ending.
I'm being pulled back to my chair.
[robotic voice glitches]
Ka--Ka--Kansas City, Kan--
I'm just saying...
[voice deepens and fades]
[audience applause]
- That was the greatest ride I have ever been on.
[audience cheering]
Hi everybody!
Be sure to comment, subscribe, and like on YouTube.
Any sketches here you can use the BYUtv app or go to BYUtv.org
- And comment below with your favorite ride at Disneyland.
Ike: Mmm.
Wise words from a wise man.
Austin: I cannot tell a lie.
Was that me? [laughs]
Ike: Uh, that was George Washington.
Austin: I can't do something.
Ike: [laughs] Abraham Lincoln,
"I can't do something."