And it was a Sunday morning
I was in bed
still asleep, it was early in the morning
maybe like 9 or 10 o'clock.
and the phone rings
and it's my baby brother using my mom's phone
his name is Isaac, he's 9 years old
so I answer the phone like, hello?
"Hello, Trevor?"
I said, hey Isaac what do you want?
"How are you?"
I am fine thanks.
"I am also fine, thank you."
I am fine thanks and how are you Isaac?
"I am fine thanks and how are you?
I am fine thank you.
"It's a pleasure."
"Oh, and Trevor are you busy?"
yes sort of, why?
"No, because mom's been shot."
I am sorry, what?
"Yeah, mom has been shot and we are at the hospital. Can you come?"
Mom's been shot, okay, what do you mean?
Okay of course I can come, which hospital?
and he tells me the hospital.
can you come?
Like he is to polite for his own good
can you come?
Like I am going to have to slot mom into my schedule
"Oh, coffee at two and then, eish!
PlayStation at one, okay mom we will try...
Come on, can I come?
of course I can come, I am panicking.
I jump out of bed, I am running around
I am trying to put my clothes on, some things are backwards
I don’t even notice, I don’t even care
I grab the car keys but I am looking for the car keys
I am busy running around there, losing my mind
I jump into the car, into the streets
as soon as I am out the gate, the tears start coming out
You cant even control it, you are just driving and all of the sudden
(Crying)
I am driving, I am trying to hold it back
but then I get to the traffic light and the robot is red
and I let it out, it just comes out
(crying)
NO don’t wash my window!
No, no, don’t, don’t!
Hey, no, no, hey, no, no!
Hey, no.
(crying)
there I am, driving to the hospital like a mad man
I get there, jump out the car
my brother is standing there at the emergency section
I see him outside, he is just standing like nothing happened, looking around
I am like, Isaac what happened?
He's like, "Mom got shot, she's inside"
I am like, are you okay?
He's like, "mom was shot, not me."
No, that's not what I am saying you idiot
whatever, I am coming back
So I run inside
My mom is in the prep area, all the doctors are standing around her
there is blood everywhere, I am looking at the doctors
and just by the way
doctors are not as good looking as they are on those T.V shows
No, like they set the bar really high
I was shocked because I ran in and was like what the hell
(Confused)
Sorry, that was inappropriate, what's happening here guys?
"Sir, you need to leave"
I said I was sorry, what's happening?
No sir, you cant be here please leave.
I am like whatever, okay.
So I go outside, the nurse come to me and she is like
"Mr. Noah?" I said yes.
"Okay Mr. Noah, we have your wife stabilized right now and"
I said, my wife?
She said yes, that's Mrs. Noah right?
Yes, that's my mom.
Oh, I am sorry thought she was
Come on, why would you think she is my wife?
You think I would, she is cool but I mean
like have you seen the girls
oh, I will show you the pictures afterward. What's going on?
She's like, "Okay Mr. Noah
your mom has just been stabilized and we are gonna have to start thinking about surgery
She has been shot in the head and she has been shot in the lower buttox region
so this is a very serious thing.
I am like, yes it is so what's happening?
"Well, we just found out that she doesn’t have medical aid.
I said, what?
She goes, yeah she doesn’t have medical aid.
Now my mom always had medical aid, always
but now it turns out she canceled it a few years ago
I didn’t know this, she canceled it
because she never gets sick.
you know those people?
I never get sick, I never get sick Trevor
I never get sick, I don’t know why I have this. I never get sick
Yes, but you didn’t think of bullets.
Now she is in the hospital, no medical aid
So I said to the nurse, what does this mean?
She says well it means we are going to have to put her back in the ambulance
and send her to a public hospital.
I said, but she is bleeding now, you cant send her
She said, " I am sorry sir but that is all we can do, she has to go to public hospital"
Now I am panicking, a public hospital?
Normally a good place to go, normally
but now what's happening is just mis-administation of funds
money is going missing, you don’t know what's happening
they don’t have the right equipment
now I am picturing guys trying to fix my mom
There's the doctor, "give me a scalpel"
"We got a spanner"
"Yeah, bring it. At least it's a shifting
okay, lets try something."
I am stressed.
so I said, well what do we do without medical aid?
She says, "well, nothing sir."
I said well what if I give you the money?
She says, "well, you don’t know how much it will cost sir
you cant unless you give us your card and then we just work from there
I said well take my card, here's my credit card.
She goes, "Sir, it can get very expensive"
I said, this is my mom
this is my mom, you use the money. Go!
She goes, don’t tell me it's expensive
this is my mother we are talking about, you know?
I realized through this I have neglected my brother
he's been standing there the whole time with these big eyes
So I am like hey Isaac, hey Isaac
what's on your mind man
you okay big boy?
His like, "Trevor?"
Yes?
"can I come to your house and play PlayStation later today?"
How can you ask me about PlayStation, your mom has just been shot
you cant be asking me about that, whats wrong with you you stupid child!
You know what, you are never going to play PlayStation again, ever
no PlayStation for you ever in your life, ever
Go away, go sit down and think about what you just said!
PlayStation, how the hell is he going to ask me about PlayStation
the nurse comes back and she goes, "Okay Mr. Noah
we just used R900 for some blood tests."
I am like okay, why are you telling me this?
It's R900, this is my mom. Use the money, go!
She goes away. R900, how you gonna talk about that?
She comes back and says, " Mr. Noah we need R2000 for some x-rays"
This is my mom, not a pair of jeans
use the money, go!
She goes away, I am like my mom is going to die
busy asking me questions over here
My mom is gonna die, my mom's gonna die
that's all I am saying, and I say it and my brother hears me
He starts crying.
(crying)
I am like, Isaac I am sorry.
I am sorry, are you okay?
He says, "I am not okay"
"you said I am never going to play PlayStation ever in my life!
now I cant play Need for Speed and cant play PlayStation"
I am like, you still crying about PlayStation?
you have no right to cry, you hear me!
Shut up, stop crying!
You cant cry about this, you shut up!
Now a woman comes out, she knows my mom has been shot
now she thinks I am telling my brother not to cry about my mom
She just gets involved, she is like
"Hey, you let him cry okay!
you let him cry, some people express their pain in different ways
you let him cry!"
I am like I will not let him cry lady, I will not let him cry
many kids grow up without one, okay
this is not, it's fine
like, he should go play in the park or something
it's not the time to cry right now, what the hell
you spoil your kids, that's your problem
you take it away from them so they can learn about life!
You and you, you both shut up! All of you, shut up!
I am telling them this, the nurse comes back
She goes, "Mr Noah, we are ready for surgery."
I am like, so do the surgery.
She says, "yes but sir, this can get very expensive
ICU and surgery is very expensive"
I am like, Lady what is expensive? This is my mother.
She says, "anywhere from like R20 000"
I am like, R20 000? This is my mom.
"all the way to like R500 000."
Yo, but she has lived hey?
I mean
I mean she is like what 57, 57?
it's almost finished, you know?
even she says she is old, I mean. You know?
You said the bullet is in the head, I mean the head, it's finished.
yo, because with that money we need to pay for the funeral
we need to buy scones for everybody
this guy needs a PlayStation, you know
so I don’t know if
she says, "Sir we need the go ahead otherwise we cant do anything"
I said okay, well use the card. Just use the card
we will handle the debt
She goes away, I am stressed
because I have seen this happen to people
go into hospital, don’t have enough money
use your credit card and the next thing you are in debt for years
and the person could die
the person dies and when they die
the doctor doesn’t give you your money back
No, no he doesn’t
because he tried and that is all he has to do
you will get there and be like, Doctor did you win?
He would be like (Ironic sound)
and your money is gone
that is all I was stressed about
but the most amazing thing happened
turns out my mother was not that badly hurt.
it was a miracle really
the ass bullets
didn’t do much damage
because my family is gifted.
the head bullet
didn’t hit anything vital
other than the head, obviously
but it missed her spinal cord
missed the nerves, didn’t touch the brain
went right through, missed the eye
hit the eye socket and deflected
and all it did was cut a piece of her nostril off
just one side
and the bullet went out clean.
which meant she didn’t have to go in for intensive surgery
and her recovery was only a week.
Yeah, a week. Which was fantastic
because that means the bill was only R24 000.
and she is alive, yes but the bill
was only R24 000
this was great, really great
because R25 000 was my cut-off
So
You laugh but that is how much I calculated I am willing to pay my mom back
for all the Ultramel custard I have consumed in my life.
everything else, none of my business
food, clothes, schooling, all of that stuff I am not paying
I hate it when the parents say that to they're kids
"You know how hard I have to work for your bloody school and clothes"
"No, no, no!
I didn’t ask to be born, that's your job.
Please, you handle that
I asked for the Ultramel, we can keep a tab
don’t involve me in your things."
and that is what I calculated, R25 000.
I would have been there, R24 750
I would have been there by the doctor
Hey Doc, it's fine my man. No stop.
no, you tried
you tried, it's cool
no you tried, just switch off there, switch off
How much, 250 left?
we will pop a draw, just switch off there, it's fine
you tried.
it was fantastic
I told my mom about the 25, she laughed
she didn’t know I was serious.
and to show you what a crazy family we have
my mom is in the recovery ward
she has got these tubes in her and everything
and an I.V
and my brother is in the corner, bored out of his mind
and my grandmother is in the other corner reading the bible
and I am holding my mom's hand and I am crying
still crying, this is a week later. I am still crying
(crying)
I have been crying the whole week
but I have also been using this time to cry for other things in my life.
No, because as a man you need to know when to cry
you loop it all together and you just cry one time, it's like
like we cry in bulk, you got to understand
You don’t just cry, one, one, one, no
cry in bulk.
so I am crying for everything
(crying)
and my mom looks at me and she goes
"Shh Trevor, don’t cry my baby"
I said no mom I got to cry, you where shot in the head.
She says no, look on the bright side
I said, what bright side?
She said, at least now because of my nose
you are officially the best looking person in the family.
I was like, by default. (crying)