I once worked with a client in wilderness therapy who I'll called Kelsey
Kelsey would self-harm she would cut and scratch or bite at her arms and legs but the interesting thing about
Her is that she would always wait until someone was watching
Before she would engage in self-harm. This self-harm was frightening, but it was also easy to get annoyed at her
inexperienced staff would waffle between trying to convince her to stop and pleading with her and ignoring her while she hurt herself and
Each of these interactions led to escalating patterns of increasingly severe self-injury
Now most of us have had someone in our life who was attention seeking
It's easy to get frustrated and annoyed at that behavior. It seems fake
It seems unfair to exaggerate one's emotions or to try to manipulate others emotions to get them to give you attention
Our knee-jerk reaction when someone does something
Attention-seeking is to withhold attention to ignore or to shut them down to minimize their complaints or argue with them or debate with them
To tell them it's not as bad as they're making it out to be your stop making a big deal
This is our reactive impulsive and unhelpful response
it always makes things worse because
avoiding someone is going to trigger that need for attention and connection even more if we really want to help someone who's
Attention-seeking we need to be wise
Subtle and loving we have to look beneath the surface behaviors and try to meet those deeper needs
If someone is being dramatic
Overly emotional or attention seeking we have two ways of seeing them on the one hand
Fake obnoxious hurtful or bad and on the other hand hurting lonely lost
They don't know how to solve their problems or ask for help in a positive way
So they're seeking connection in the only way they know how I actively choose to see these people the second way
People are genuinely good deep down
Perhaps they're doing things the wrong way
but that's not because they're trying to, it's because they don't know how or what they've tried isn't working if
We see this person as genuinely hurting as seeking connections
We bypass the obnoxious surface behaviors and look for a way to address the deeper behaviors and emotions
This is usually hardest with the people closest to you step 1
so if someone is engaging in attention-seeking behaviors, we need to be asking ourselves questions like
What are the deeper emotional conflicts going on or how can I meet that need without reinforcing the surface behavior?
Notice how this response is actually looking for a solution to the problem instead of just suppressing behavior
With Kelsey she was feeling lonely
Overwhelmed anxious about being away from her parents and she didn't have any positive ways to work through her emotions
step 2 Usually a good response looks like having a minimal
Barely more than neutral response to attention-seeking behaviors in the moment
So you acknowledge or gently shut down the negative behaviors, for example
Kelsey I can see that you're hurting yourself if you continue we'll need to sit next to you and you'll have to wear gloves
The staff would sit next to her without paying or much attention if she engaged in negative behaviors
They would calmly and dispassionately keep her safe until she got exhausted or bored of that behavior
Any other approach would have fed the behavior.
Punishments would have made her anxious
Debating convincing or pleading would have rewarded that negative behavior with intensity
Restraining her would have just justified her feelings of lack of control
So the immediate response to the negative behaviors was to calmly keep her safe
Now there were two times that we did have to restrain her
We had to physically hold her arms so that she wouldn't hurt herself in a severe way
But the rest of the time we were actively working toward
lasting solutions by minimizing the attention we gave to her negative behaviors and
Encouraging and rewarding the positive behaviors that means waiting until her behaviors are neutral or positive
And then going in the backdoor to pump this person full of positive experiences give them positive attention whenever possible
Have positive and real interactions with them when they're not being dramatic
Ask clarifying questions spend time with them create a five to one ratio of positive interaction
So with Kelsey that looked like waiting until she was calm and safe and then asking her about her life
Encouraging her to talk about her emotions teaching her how to cook meals over the fire
It meant working hard to help her identify problems and find positive ways to solve them. She really liked doing crafts
So the staff would actively work on crafts with her and while she was busy making something she wasn't engaging in those negative behaviors
within a couple of weeks the self-harm and attention seeking had completely died down and
She had learned half a dozen new ways to reach out for help and express emotions and manage her anxiety
Let me give you another example this time in a family setting if someone is being extra mopey and clingy during a large family gathering
Give them just a little invite like hey Barb want to join us or go sit by them at lunch
you don't have to say much and then look for opportunities when they aren't being mopey to invite them to do something fun or
Sit down with them and ask them about their life
try to model for them that you care even when and
Especially when they're not being needy
I know this can be exhausting and there are some exceptions to this but as a general rule
This is the best way to respond to attention-seeking behavior your role does matter
Parents and spouses have much more responsibility to do this
Right then friends or coworkers do so when facing attention-seeking behavior,
Don't do a knee-jerk reaction of avoidance or shutting them down
instead look for ways to
Intentionally and proactively meet the deeper needs by looking for ways to show them that you care when they're not being clingy
This video is an excerpt from my intensive course on how to help when someone you care about is depressed
This course has over 40 videos with specific skills that you can develop to be more helpful for the person you love it
includes how to help them open up and ways to help if they won't talk what to do if they're suicidal and
specific strategies for managing your role
It includes helpful things you can say or do if you're interested in watching the whole course check it out on udemy.com