Dumbledore: Welcome, everyone to Hogwarts School of Wizardry and Witchcraft, a place I
assure you is safe for children, and has absolutely no
history that might threaten our entire existence. But
there is a huge killer snake downstairs.
And a giant, vicious three headed dog... and a tree that can kill you...
and man-sized spiders that can eat your face...
and--
McGonagall: Thank you, Professor Dumbledore! That will be all.
As he was saying, welcome to--
Hermione: These candles are dripping wax everywhere!
(indistinct screams)
How Harry Potter Should Have Ended
(door opens)
That Time-Turner's fantastic, Hermione! You should keep
it forever.
Hermione: Alright.
Harry: No, really! It's too valuable! You have to promise to keep it.
Hermione: Okay! I promise!
Harry: Hermione, something might conveniently destroy all the
Time-Turners, making that the last one! You have to promise to keep it!
Hermione: I promise I won't get rid of it!
Ron: What the bloody hell are you two talking about?
(epic musical score)
(energy colliding)
Voldemort: I'm going to kill you, Harry Potter!
I'm pointing my wand as hard as I can!
Harry: What's it going to take, Tom?
You tried to kill me once as a baby
and it didn't work!
Voldemort: I'm going to destroy you!
Harry: We've been here, like, four or five times already,
and I just came back from the dead!
Voldemort: Lalalala!
Not listening! Too busy about to
kill you!
Harry: You are insane! And now we're about to kill your pet snake!
Neville (slow motion): I'm awesome!!!
Harry: It's over!
Voldemort: It's never over! Avada Kedav--ugh!
(vocalizing)
Snape: Ugh. Muggle weapons.
Harry: Professor Snape,
you're alive!
Snape: Of course I'm alive, you twit!
Harry: But how? You died right in
front of us!
Snape: Magic! Duh! I'm a potions master and a
double agent.
Obviously I had a backup plan.
I've been drinking Honey Badger Anti-Venom ever
since I started hanging around that ridiculous snake.
Neville & Seamus: Whoa...
Luna: Honey badger just takes what it wants.
Snape: And I think we've already established
that I can heal
bleeding injuries. Now, Mr. Potter, if you will bring
me your
Invisiblity Cloak and Ms. Granger's Time-Turner,
there is one more thing I must do.
(music)
Hermione: Professor, you realize if you do this,
you can't come back.
Snape: I am well aware of the risk and
consequence, Ms. Granger.
Ron: You're gonna have to turn that thing at least
200,000 times,
sir.
Snape: Then you'd best not make me lose count, eh, Mr. Weasley?
Ron: No, sir.
Harry: Good luck, sir.
Snape: Goodbye, children.
One...two...three...
four...five...six...
262,029...262,030...262,031...got it!
Got it!
Riddle: I can make animals
do what I want without training them. I can make
bad things happen to people. If I want. I can--
Snape: Avada Kedavra!
(Riddle groans)
Dumbledore: What the--
Snape: Ha ha HA!
Dumbledore: What is this?
Snape: Take that, you Dark Lord! Ha ha HA!
Dumbledore: Why would you DO that?
Snape: Evidence...removal.
(Snape pants)
Dumbledore: Who are you?
Snape: Oh...sorry about that...just, uh...
saving your life...in the future.
As well as...countless others.
It's a long story.
(harmonious end music)
Snape: No, I mean a REALLY LONG story. Like, so
long, if we wrote it all down it would take at least
seven books.
Dumbledore: Or eight movies!
(end music continues)
Dumbledore: I'd like to introduce our
new teacher for Defense Against the Dark Arts,
Professor Gandalf.
Gandalf: You...shall not...PASS!
Dumbledore: Well, that's a little harsh...
classes haven't even started yet.
(music ends)