-Here you are. Thanksgiving. Thank you for doing this.
This means a lot to us. -Well, my pleasure. My pleasure.
-Do you enjoy Thanksgiving?
-I love -- It's the greatest holiday.
You know, of course, you have to mix in the subjugation
of the Native American culture that is just so depressing.
You know, what happened -- you have to acknowledge that.
So, we're happy and we're -- Everyone loves Thanksgiving,
but let's remember it's an absolute horror.
It's a horror of what happened.
But the warmth of it is irresistible.
The warmth and the horror of this day.
-So it is a combination.
-Like life itself. -Like life itself.
-Life itself. Warm and wonderful.
Underneath, horror and tragedy.
-Do you stay home? Do you have to travel?
Do you have to -- -I will be home.
And I am home. This is home. -Yeah.
-I live in New York.
And one of the things I like --
Here's a nice thing that people do, especially in holidays.
You know, you have that person, the relatives
or somebody you really like, and when they leave,
you say, "Travel safe."
Travel safe."
And I think that's nice, isn't it?
It's like you know what they're saying.
They're saying, "I care about you.
-Yeah.
-But, of course, you can't travel safe.
You can't -- You know, you drive.
You get on a plane.
I mean, maybe if you're at a train crossing
and the thing's coming down and you think,
"I think I can beat this train."
You go, "Oh, wait a minute.
They told me, 'Travel safe.' I'm not --"
-"I'm not gonna risk it." -Yeah. "I'm not gonna do that."
And the other nice thing about "travel safe" is --
you don't notice when people don't say it.
Like, if you don't like somebody and they're leaving,
you don't go, "Travel."
Because you would notice that.
They'd get out the door and they'd go,
"That was weird.
They didn't mention my safety. That hurts my feelings.
Yeah, I don't think people like me.
Next train crossing, I'm going for it," you know?
-But the whole family's there? -Yeah, yeah.
Family, kids, food.
-I love talking to you about kids,
because I have two girls going to school now,
and raising kids and --
-Right. And you're in it, right? -Oh, I am in it.
-You're living their life. -Yeah.
-This is the part I didn't think was gonna happen.
I thought, "I grew up. I'm done with that.
I went to school. I'm done with that."
-Yeah. -No, you're not done with it.
You've got to do it all over again now.
Do it all over again.
Let me tell you -- This is a true story, okay?
When I grew up, when I was a little kid,
my mother would -- I don't know.
She wanted me to be outside or
she wanted me to be able to play,
so she would tie a rope around my waist
and tie the other end to the garage door --
I'm not making this up --
so that I could play in the driveway.
And then she went back in the house.
Now, there's a lot of weird parts to this, right?
-I mean, I kind of -- -It's like the thousand clowns.
♪♪ Yeah.
-So, you're tied to the -- -I was tied to the garage.
Now, of course, as soon as she went in the house,
I untied it and went about my business.
You know, it's not hard to untie a rope.
But that was child-rearing. -You're in the radius.
-Yes. She felt like -- I think kids --
When we grew up, we're like parakeets.
As long as I don't lose the parakeet,
I'm doing my job, you know?
I am parenting this child if they're still here.
-If they're still in the cage. -Yeah. That's it. That's it.
-And Jessica's doing well, your wife?
-Yes, Jess is doing great.
-Is it -- 'Cause we've had --
-We socialize sometimes, you and your beautiful wife, Nancy.
-Yeah, we talk, and I kind of find that, sometimes,
we drift off into doing a comedy bit,
and especially when I get with you.
I start talking --
-Comedians are like -- They're like Pekinese or Shar-Peis.
They're just some weird breed that they see
another of their breed, they get very excited.
You know, "Oh, it's one of me. It's one of me."
You know, right? -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, and I start going, "Is this funny?
Is that good?" -Yeah. Yeah.
-And I feel like, you know, when we tell jokes,
when I've seen your act, too, you go, "Oh, my wife does this."
-Yes. Now, I use my wife in my act.
I don't think you were ever in this situation,
where you say something about Nancy
that's absolutely not true.
-I think I -- Yeah, sometimes. -Do you?
-That's, like, a comedy --
-Like, when you're doing -- You just say -- Can you say --
Is she fine with you saying whatever you want
about her when you're doing your comedy?
-It depends. -Okay, that's a "no."
That's a "no." That is not...
-Well, I mean, she understands, I think,
that there's comedy wife and there's --
-Does she?
'Cause I think comedians's wives have --
It's a little tough for them sometimes.
I do a thing about the --
You know in your car, the dual-zone temperature?
-Yeah.
-Like, "Gee, I wonder who invented that.
I wonder who thought, "That might come in handy
to shut somebody up about, you know, 'I'm freezing.
I'm roasting. It's blowing on me.'"
-Yeah. -You know?
-Yeah.
-So, I tell -- It's a whole bit about my wife
and how she gave birth without anesthesia
but can't handle a waft of air 3 degrees
off her optimum desired temperature, you know?
-Yeah.
-And, by the way, how do they keep
the different-temperature air molecules from commingling?
Can they actually do that?
I think they can, 'cause that's how I get
my coffee in the morning.
I like to get it black on the left side,
and I got cream and sugar on the right.
They can do it.
-They can do anything? -They can do it.
-They can do any of that stuff.
-But has Nancy ever gotten upset with you
about something you've said, comedically?
-I think she might have -- No, I don't mean -- It depends.
-Yeah, it depends. That's a "yes."
No further questions, Your Honor.
-Yeah, but I go, "No, it's not talking about you."
-No. It's made up.
Jessica never complains about the temperature,
but you have to use her.
You're here to work on the comedy.
Everybody in the family has to help with the comedy, right?
-That's what I say. I totally agree.
Everyone's in on it. -Right. Everyone's in. Right.
-Comedy kids. -They're comedy kids.
Everyone's a prop. -You're part of the act.
-It's a family business, right?
-It really is. -Yeah.
-I was talking to you about
I had a weird outfit on when we had dinner.
-Yes. -And it was --
-And I was talking about how one of the problems of mature men,
like ourselves, is the jeans.
There is no jeans for older men that nobody --
that people think look good.
You just don't look -- There's no jeans.
There's nothing you can do.
-You think you reach a certain age --
-You reach an age where it's just bad.
It's bad. You look bad. -Men shouldn't wear jeans.
-If you try and look cool, is that gonna work?
-I don't know. -No. It's not going to work.
-I know, but --
-Do you -- If you saw me in really cool jeans,
you would think, "What an idiot," right?
But if I'm wearing lame jeans -- There's no answer to this.
You can't wear -- Now, we're still wearing jeans,
but we don't look good.
And nobody's gonna tell us. Go ahead. Show off some jeans.
You got a picture of us in jeans?
-Gosh, you really got a good photo of me here.
Yeah, I kind of -- -Yeah. See? Those jeans.
Look at those shoes. You look ridiculous.
Look at me. I don't look good either.
I don't know what I'm --
-Well, don't worry about the -- The shoes are a mistake.
I was trying to -- I don't know --
bring the moccasin back or something.
-Right.
But I know I don't look cool and I know there's nothing I can do.
-I think this might be my last year for jeans.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
But I'll do it and I'll celebrate.
-Well, all dads dress in the style
of the last good year of their lives, right?
That's how they dress. -Oh, my God.
-Yeah. -Oh, my goodness.
I was there -- We were having dinner, and I was wearing --
I was wearing just, like, a weird --
Like, just a regular golf shirt or something,
a burgundy golf shirt,
and I had burgundy checkered pants or something and sneakers.
And we had dinner, and it was great.
And then, at the end of dinner, you go,
"So, what's with the outfit?"
And I go -- It was just me and you.
You weren't doing it for anyone else, just me.
And I go, "What are you talking about?
It's, like, a normal outfit.
I'm just wearing a golf shirt and checkered pants."
You go, "No, no."
You go, "No one wears this outfit."
Someone does wear it. I'm wearing this outfit.
And you go, "No, you look like a mannequin from Nordstrom's."
Oh, my God.
That made me laugh for like -- Oh, my gosh.
That is the funniest thing ever.
I want to talk quick about your residency at the Beacon.
-Oh, yes.
I'm going back to the Beacon Theatre.
-I'm so excited for this. -I love that theater.
-What a cool thing.
-Yeah. It's like -- You know, I'm, like, at this point
where I just want to be in those places where comedy
just feels and fits, you know, 'cause when we're starting out,
we do comedy anywhere anyone will pay us.
-Yeah.
-And now, you know, I want it to be, like,
in that test-tube, perfect chemical environment.
-Acoustically and --
-Yeah, acoustically and the vibe of the room.
And, of course, it's, you know, New York, so --
-People, tourists come here, but it's perfect to, like, go see --
What do you do it?
Like once a month?
-Yeah, like once a month, starting next year.
-I can't wait for this. -Oh, me too. I'm so excited.
I love that theater.
-I'm happy you're doing that, 'cause I'll be showing up there
in my mannequin outfit.
Let's talk about, also, the Netflix --
-Would you ever come and work with me?
You know, Steve Martin has worked with me.
Would you ever come and work with me there
as just a surprise drop-in?
-I haven't done stand-up in so long.
-Oh, really? You don't have a set?
You don't have 15 minutes? You can't do 15 minutes?
Come on. Bring your guitar.
-I bring the guitar and props?
-Bring the guitar and the props
and the garbage bag full of stuff.
-I'll do it. -Okay.
-I'll do it. -Surprise drop-in.
You're gonna do one of the dates.
Okay, great. -15 minutes?
-Whatever you want, whatever you got.
-Let's say 5 to 10.
-I did half of your monologue tonight.
-All right, all right. Deal, deal, deal, deal, deal.
The new show that you are producing on Netflix.
It's called "Stand-up and Away." -Yeah. It's Brian Regan.
I always wanted Brian Regan to have his own show.
-Me too. -'Cause we love him.
He's the funniest guy. -I love Brian Regan.
-But you get to a point -- Again, it's one of those things.
I can't deal with the jungle of network television
and the layers of people, and we're gonna talk about it
and all that stuff.
So, I said, "Let me bring you to Netflix.
They will do it right.
They will --" You know, so I brought him in.
I said, "Let's just make a show with Brian."
But I'm not really doing the show, okay?
I want to be clear that -- I don't want credit, really.
I just brought Brian there and I said,
"You've got to do a show with this guy."
Like, at the end of your show tonight,
there are credits, right?
-Correct.
-And there are executive-producer credits
of people who do absolutely nothing on this show.
Is that correct?
Nothing. They contribute nothing.
-No. -You're on-camera.
Tell America that there are people
taking credit for this show and doing nothing.
Admit it. -It depends.
-It -- [ Laughter ]
Our thanks to a legend, Jerry Seinfeld,
everybody, right there.