- The Trump family has a long history of being assholes.
It all started in 1822,
when Thaddeus Trump parked his horse
in a handicapped spot.
(audience laughing)
But lately, you could say they've been stretched the limits
of how big an asshole a person can be,
starting with President Trump himself,
who has apparently had nothing better to do
than pick fights with children.
- President Donald Trump
is going after a 16 year old girl on Twitter.
Climate change activist Greta Thunberg
was named Times' Person of the Year.
She's been known to chastise world leaders
for not doing enough.
Trump responded to a tweet
congratulating Thunberg by saying quote,
"So ridiculous.
"Greta must work on her anger management problem
"then go to a good old-fashioned movie with a friend.
"Chill, Greta, chill."
- Come on, man.
The president of the United States is on Twitter
bullying a teenage girl.
Just try to imagine any other president
doing something like this.
Like imagine FDR doing a fireside chat
where he just goes in on Shirley Temple.
(audience laughing)
He's like, "My fellow Americans,
"this little girl can't dance for shit.
(audience laughing)
"She's got worse moves than I do and my legs don't work."
(audience laughing)
Also Donald Trump has no right
to tell anybody to chill, all right?
(audience laughing)
He is the least chill human being of all time.
Like if there's anyone you wouldn't want
on your meditation app, it's this guy.
(audience laughing)
Can you imagine him trying,
he'd be like, "Inhale and exhale!
(audience laughing)
"Let the air rush into your lungs
"like the criminals and rapists swarming across the border
"coming to take your jobs and kill your parents.
"In fact, your parents are already dead.
"Namaste."
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
I got to admit, to Greta Thunberg's credit,
she took it all in her stride,
'cause after Trump tweeted her to chill,
she changed her Twitter bio to,
"A teenager working on her anger management problem.
"Currently chilling and watching a good old-fashioned movie
"with a friend."
(audience applauding)
And that's phenomenal from her.
And I'm not surprised, you know, she's 16,
so she's used to handling temper tantrums
from immature boys, I get it.
(audience laughing)
And it's not just Daddy Trump
who's making headlines right now.
Because while he's beefing with kids,
Asshole Jr is over here taking shots
at even more vulnerable targets.
- A new report reveals Donald Trump Jr
went on a hunting trip to Mongolia this past summer
and killed an endangered sheep.
- [Female Reporter] ProPublica reports
the trip was supported by both government
and Trump Jr got special treatment.
- [Male Reporter] He reportedly shot
the endangered Argali sheep at night using a laser sight.
- Who is this guy?
He needed to use a laser sight at night
to take down a sheep?
(audience laughing)
This is an animal so peaceful,
literally just thinking about them makes us fall asleep.
(audience laughing)
And he's coming at them
like it's a raid on Bin Laden.
It's a sheep!
(audience laughing)
An animal so vulnerable it can't go outside
without wearing a sweater, it's a sheep.
(audience laughing)
You killed a sheep.
You basically went hunting in a nursery rhyme,
who are you?
(audience laughing)
And also what kind of asshole
wants to kill an endangered species?
Like most of us don't even want to take
the last nacho out of the bowl,
and Don Jr's out here putting panda bears in choke holds.
Go to sleep, go to sleep.
(audience laughing)
Now look, it's obviously not great karma
for Little Bo Creep to be killing off a species,
so you would think maybe the Trumps
could make things up to the universe
with their family charity,
except this family is so cartoonishly villainous
they even do charity like assholes.
- Well, President Trump will be paying
up to $2,000,000 to charities
to satisfy his settlement of a New York state lawsuit
over his misuse of charitable funds
at the Trump Foundation.
The president was accused of illegally using money
from the Trump Foundation
to help his 2016 campaign.
Also as a part of that settlement,
the president was required to acknowledge
his misuse of the funds,
his children to undergo training
about misusing charity funds,
and they must report to the attorney general
if they ever create a new charity.
- Yeah, you heard that right.
The president had to pay $2,000,000
because he stole money from his own charity.
Yeah, he used charity money to make political donations
to settle lawsuits involving his businesses
and he even bought a painting of himself
to hang at his own resort.
Yeah, like if Trump weren't rich,
he'd be one of those people who pretend that they're dying
just to start a GoFundMe, you know?
He'd be like, "Hey guys, the doctor says
"I've got Ebolaburulitis in my Lorax
"and the only thing that can make me better
"is to own a giant picture of my own dumb face."
(audience laughing)
Now as you heard, Trump doesn't just have to pay $2,000,000,
the court also ordered his three older kids
to attend a training session
on how to not steal from a charity.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, and you might be wondering
what that training would even look like,
but wonder no more, because we got our hands on the video.
- [Announcer] And now, The New York State Guide
to avoiding charity abuse.
- Don't steal from a (beep) charity, asshole.
- [Announcer] This has been The New York State Guide
to avoiding charity abuse.
(audience applauding)
- So informative.
(upbeat music)