>> WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO THE LATE SHOW.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S JUST OUR SECOND SHOW OF
2020.
AND SO FAR, WE'RE NOT DOING TOO WELL ON THE NEW YEAR'S
RESOLUTION OF "DON'T GO TO WAR WE'VE BEEN WAITING ON PINS AND
NEEDLES TO SEE HOW IRAN WOULD RESPOND.
IT'S LIKE OUR COUNTRY HAS SENT AN IMPULSIVE LATE-NIGHT TEXT,
AND NOW WE'RE STARRING AT THOSE THREE LITTLE DOTS.
THIS MORNING, A TOP IRANIAN SECURITY OFFICIAL REVEALED THE
COUNTRIES THAT DRAWN UP 13 SCENARIOS TO RETALIATE-- ALSO
KNOWN AS AN AYATOLLAH'S DOZEN.
U.S. OFFICIALS ARE REPORTEDLY CONCERNED THAT IRAN COULD TRY TO
STRIKE A HIGH-LEVEL AMERICAN LEADER.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHO THE EQUIVALENT OF SOLEIMANI WOULD BE
IN THE UNITED STATES.
WHO WOULD IT HAVE TO BE?
IT WOULD HAVE TO BE A WELL-KNOWN MILITARY LEADER WHO IS A
NATIONAL SYMBOL OF SECURITY AND STABILITY.
OH, MY GOD!
IT'S THE GENERAL!
GET OUT OF THERE, SIR!
TRUMP ISN'T REAL HAPPY ABOUT IRAN NOT BEING REAL HAPPY WITH
HIM, AND HE SHOWED THAT TODAY WHEN HE MET WITH THE PRIME
MINISTER OF GREECE FOR A VERY GRUMPY EPISODE OF: "CHAIR CHAT!
>> Stephen: TRUMP WAS ASKED ABOUT HIS DECISION TO TAKE
OUT SOLEIMANI, AND HE HAD NO REGRETS.
>> HE WAS TRAVELING WITH THE HEAD OF HEZBOLLAH.
THEY WERE NOT THERE TO DISCUSS A VACATION.
THEY WERE NOT THERE TO GO TO A NICE RESORT SOMEPLACE IN
BAGHDAD.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "AND THAT'S WHY WE BLEW HIM UP,
BECAUSE HE WASN'T STAYING AT ONE OF MY HOTELS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AFTER GETTING CRITICIZED FOR THREATENING TO ATTACK IRAN'S
CULTURAL SITES, TRUMP WALKED IT BACK...
KIND OF SORT OF.
>> THEY ARE ALLOWED TO KILL OUR PEOPLE.
THEY ARE ALLOWED TO MAIM OUR PEOPLE.
THEY ARE ALLOWED TO BLOW UP EVERYTHING THAT WE HAVE, AND
THERE IS NOTHING THAT STOPS THEM, AND WE ARE, ACCORDING TO
VARIOUS LAWS, SUPPOSED TO BE VERY CAREFUL WITH THEIR CULTURAL
HERITAGE.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
IF THAT IS WHAT THE LAW IS, I LIKE TO OBEY THE LAW.
( AS TRUMP )
ASK PAUL MANAFORT OR MICHAEL COHEN.
IF THEY EVER GET OUT OF FEDERAL PRISON, THEY WILL VOUCH FOR ME.
THOSE TWO GUYS-- THEY'RE GONNA, THEY'RE GONNA...
WITH THE GREEK PRIME MINISTER SITTING BESIDE HIM, TRUMP ALSO
PRAISED AMERICANS OF GREEK HERITAGE.
>> WE HAVE A TREMENDOUS GREEK POPULATION, OVER THREE MILLION
PEOPLE, AS I UNDERSTAND IT.
THAT'S FANTASTIC.
I REALLY FEEL I KNOW MOST OF THEM.
I THINK I KNOW ALL OF THEM, COME TO THINK OF IT.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "I KNOW EVERYONE FROM GREECE:
RIZZO.
FRENCHY.
DANNY ZUKO.
♪ TELL ME MORE TELL ME MORE
♪ DID YOU GET VERY FAR?
TELL ME MORE ♪ TELL ME MORE
LIKE, DOES HE HAVE A CAR?
♪ UH-HUH, UH-HUH UH-HUH, UH-HUH ♪
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> COME ON, MAN.
GET INTO IT!
>> Stephen: SO THINGS ARE BAD WITH IRAN, BUT DON'T WORRY,
THINGS ARE ALSO BAD WITH IRAQ.
ON SUNDAY, IRAQ'S PARLIAMENT VOTED TO EXPEL AMERICAN
TROOPS.
SO IRAQ SAID, "GET OUT."
AND THE PENTAGON WAS LIKE...
OKAY.
EVIDENTLY, BECAUSE YESTERDAY WE FOUND OUT THE DEFENSE DEPARTMENT
SENT IRAQ A LETTER SAYING THEY WERE REPOSITIONING OUR FORCES
FOR MOVEMENT OUT OF IRAQ.
BUT ALMOST IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE RELEASE OF THAT LETTER, OUR TOP
GENERAL SAID THE LETTER SUGGESTING THE U.S. WOULD
WITHDRAW FROM IRAQ WAS A "MISTAKE."
OOPSA-TROOPSY!
THE PAYING SAYS THE COPY OF THE ENSIGNED LETTER LEAKED TO THE
PRESS WAS A DRAFT.
IT WAS NEVER SENT AS A FORMAL MEMORANDUM.
YOU CAN'T SEND SOMEONE A LETTER OF THAT MAGNITUDE AND THEN SAY
IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.
IT'S LIKE SAYING, "HONEY, THAT BREAKUP EMAIL WAS FROM MY DRAFTS
FOLDER.
NOW, AS I WAS SAYING, WITH THIS RING, I THEE WED."