(hip hop instrumental music)
(laughing loudly)
- Kassia.
Kassia, have you seen this dog with braces?
Oh man, it's all over my feed.
- Oh no, I try not to look at Facebook.
- What, why?
Do you hate nerdy dogs?
- No.
Facebook and I used to date.
- Oh, really?
- Kassia.
- Oh no.
- Kassia, do you want to get some food?
- Facebook, no.
We broke up.
This is desperate.
- What do you mean?
- Where do I start?
Okay, here for instance.
This year end review.
- That's nice.
- It's thoughtless.
I don't care about any of this shit.
It's just stuff I put up there that got a lot of likes.
Okay, and this?
You're always showing me pictures
of the ways things used to be,
like you're trying to prove things
were so great back when you were still relevant.
- We had good times.
- It's manipulative.
You are a manipulative person.
This.
Oh, I get a message from you, you have four unread messages,
but first, you have to download this app in order to get it.
That sucks.
- I'm a good boyfriend.
I'm always asking you what's on your mind.
- Big deal.
- I always get you anything you want.
You liked WhatsApp, I bought that.
You liked Instagram, I bought that.
You liked Oculus, I bought that.
- I never said I liked Oculus.
- I got you all these new Like buttons.
You can also buy this shirt that says
you wouldn't understand, it's a Kassia thing.
- Okay, you're lame now.
You created a holiday, National Friends Day,
just so we could hang out.
And when I do reach out,
all you wanna talk about is politics or Blue Apron.
- Yeah, due to your history,
I thought you would like Blue Apron.
- That's the real issue.
When we do hang out, you just do it now
to sell my information to advertisers.
You used to be fun
and now it's all about the money.
- Well, money is how I was able to buy you Oculus.
- I don't give a fuck about Oculus!
Okay?
Listen, you are a smart computer person, right?
And you're probably walkin' through life thinking,
"Oh, everybody hates me because I'm a nerd."
I wanna tell you from the bottom of my heart,
that's not why.
They hate you because you sold their data.
Plus, I have a new man now.
- [Voiceover] Ready to go, babe?
- You're dating Apple?
I thought you were dating Snapchat?
- Snapchat wasn't permanent.
I like how safe I feel with Apple.
- Is this guy bothering you?
- Not anymore.
- Good.
'Cause if he ever does, if he tries to see your data
or get in your phone, I'll shut him down.
Nobody tells me what to do.
And one more thing.
I'm not afraid to go to jail.
(emotional instrumental music)
Love you, babe.
- Love you.
(laughing loudly)
- Dogs with braces aren't cool, do you know what's cool?
- Shut the fuck up, Friendster.
- Hey, it's Grant from CollegeHumor.
Click here to subscribe to the channel.
Click here for more fun stuff.
And sorry, guys, it feels like I'm out.
Am I out?
'Cause like I can see the top of the camera, so it's...
Is this better?
All right, it feels worse.
Okay.
Thanks for watching.