♪♪
-Hello, and welcome to "Second Chance Theatre,"
where sketches that were once cut from "Saturday Night Live"
are given, well, a second chance.
Tonight, a father's dreams to give his child
the perfect birthday are shattered as his magical present
turns out to be the nightmare of all gifts.
We now present the sketch "Unicorn" starring Mike O'Brien,
Jason Sudeikis, and introducing
the "Second Chance Children's Theatre" company.
[ Children cheering ]
-You guys having a good time?
[ Children exclaiming "Yeah!" ]
Hey, guess what.
It's time for your gift.
Yeah, look, I don't want to brag,
but I think your old man knocked it out of the park this year.
Yeah, now I wasn't able to find you
a Slip-N-Slide like you wanted,
but I was able to track down a real living unicorn!
[ Children exclaiming "Yeah!" ]
Hey, and guess what.
I've got one for each and every single one of you kids.
-Yay! -Yay!
-Yes. Who's ready to love?
-Hey, Bruce. How are you?
-Same as it ever was. -I don't know about that.
Yeah. Hey, kids, this here,
this is Bruce Brown, and he's going to teach you
how to take care of these magical creatures.
Alright? -Alright, kids.
All eyes on Bruce here.
Look, I don't need to tell you how magical these
little creatures are, do I?
These are unicorns.
Is that getting your blood pumping?
Does that wake you up yet?
These are unicorns!
-Yay!
-I'm going to call mine Sparkle.
-Don't talk about it, do it.
-I'm going to name mine Sunset.
-I'm going to call mine Quinstee.
-[ Laughs ]
Ooh, boy, this one's got a little eye thing going here.
-Oh, boy. Alright, pause the party.
This one's got a real eye infection going on here.
I'm gonna go check out the others.
-Daddy, is Sparkles okay? -Oh, yeah.
I'm sure she's fine, pal.
-Oh, God, there is this other one that's even worse.
Oh, my God.
There is this other one that's even worse.
-It's going to be okay. I'm sure it's just this one.
-Oh, Christ, there is this other one that's way worse.
Devil's a whore.
Alright, kids,
I may have to put all these unicorns down today.
-Wait, I'm going to name mine Cinnamon.
-Hey, why don't you say we maybe hold off
on the names for a second, huh?
-Uh, yeah.
So, look, I was saying
I'm going to have to put all these unicorns down today.
-No! -No, no!
-Let him talk, please.
Give him the same amount of respect
you've been ever so gracious to give me.
-Thank you. What I was saying
before I was so rudely interrupted
was that I'm gonna have to put all these unicorns down today
so that you kids don't get sick.
Here's where you say, "Thank you, Bruce Brown."
-You're a monster. -You're a monster.
-You're a mean guy, Bruce.
-Actually I'm not, and I'll tell you why.
Because what I'm going to do is I'm going to put an air gun
to their temples, which I found to be the most humane way to --
-No, no, no! -That's awful!
-No, no! -Can I finish?
-Can he? -I let you guys talk and cheer
and say what you have were gonna name your unicorns.
-He let you do all the names. -Frankly, I was bored.
-Bored stiff. Snore alert.
-And yet, I let it happen. I was polite.
I sat there politely.
-He kept his mouth shut because he's a gentleman.
-And, yet, now when it's my turn to talk,
I don't get to -- - How's that fair?
-Is it fair? -Is it?
-I'm genuinely asking is that fair?
Answer me.
-It's a sincere question. Answer him.
-No. -Damn right.
Do you think I like getting interrupted?
-No, Bruce Brown.
-Daddy, I really want my unicorn, please.
-Ah, okay, alright. I hear you, give me a minute.
-Can I get one of those, by the way?
-Here you are. -Thanks, bud.
Look, I'm not going to be talked out of putting
these unicorns down today.
-Trust me, Bruce. I get it, you know.
But I'm kind of in a pickle here, you know what I mean?
I mean, maybe there's -- like, you know,
what happens with the unicorn horns, for instance?
Any way we can get a couple of those,
you know, party favors for the kiddos?
-Nada.
We grind those down.
That's the powder that they put on carpet when kids throw up.
-Really? Wow, okay.
Didn't know that. -Yeah.
-Yeah, no, I'm fresh out of ideas. Hmm.
-Okay. Up, up, up, up, up, eyes up here again.
So, tell you what. Let's make it fun.
Who wants to be Bruce Brown's little helper
and feed this unicorn a carrot
to keep his head nice and steady?
-My eye itches. -My eye itches.
-My eye itches too. -Oh, he does test us.
-Mama said there'd be days like this, right?
-[ Laughs ] Yes.
-Well, you know what?
I say we go out in a blaze of glory.
-I respect where this is going.
-Hey, listen up.
I want you all to hop on a unicorn
and we're going to ride, ride toward that cliff over yonder.
And, hey, kids, no matter what, don't stop riding.
Don't stop riding. -Yay!
[ Kids exclaiming ]
-We'll be right back with more from Mike O'Brien
and Jason Sudeikis.