But I did, I was in it, you know?
I was in a relationship with a dude. I loved it.
I loved my boyfriend. I did. I loved him as a dude.
It sounds crazy, but I did.
I loved him. And I was like, "We can work this out.
We could do this. We could have weird
'Eyes Wide Shut' parties on the weekends.
Just get freaky and hang out.
I'm down, you know?
But he was too soft. He was a sensitive guy
and it would aggravate the shit out of me, man.
He would be so soft, I would get upset.
I couldn't handle it, I'm an alpha.
I'm so dominant.
So he would say sweet stuff and I would get upset.
One time he was like "Aw, Samaria,
you're so beautiful
I want you to be the last woman I touch."
And my first thought was like, "Oh, this nigga's gay.
I'm dealing with a gay dude.
Why you so gay?"
'Cause I've seen myself naked in the mirror.
I don't wanna be the last woman I touch.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Have you not seen Beyoncé? You a gay guy, man.
Then I had my girlfriend-- my first girlfriend.
Huge deal.
'Cause I didn't even know how gay I was
till I met this girl.
I don't know. 'Cause women, we teeter.
We do. We play games. You can kiss a girl in the club
to make your boyfriend's dick hard.
You do silly shit.
You're not always just laying over there, you know what I mean?
So I didn't know. I was like,
maybe I'm just grab titties in the club gay
and not go down on a chick gay.
Very different gays.
Very different gays on the spectrum.
But I met this girl, I was like, "Nah, man.
I'm going down on this chick. I'm ready."
Huge deal man. I was scared.
I had to get myself charged up to do it.
John Madden in a huddle, like, "I'm going to eat this pussy.
Go, go, go. You got this."
I was looking in the mirror like,
"You are a champion, don't worry."
And then I got her home and she laid down on the bed,
and I realized I had never seen a vagina for this perspective.
Like, I've seen mine from this perspective.
I ain't ever seen it like that.
I was not ready at all.
I was like, "Aah, what the hell is that?"
Started poking at it, like... ( groans )
"Close your legs. Let's go to church.
We need to pray.
Need to ahead and pray this gay away, girl.
We are living foul.
But that's the journey.
You go through the ups and downs.
That's how you find where you're supposed to land.
And I love my wife. I do. You know?
She's here and I love her.
She's supportive. But it's hard.
She doesn't say a lot of things I care about.
I didn't know that was going to be a problem when I married--
she talks a lot, but I don't give a shit about most of it.
Most of it's just like, "I don't-- why?"
And I gotta feign interest. She knows when I'm-- it's terrible, man.
And I wish it was there. I wish she was saying things
that were more valuable to me. I really do.
I wish she had more valuable things--
and it's like, I know as feminists, as women,
we're like, "No, everything we say is valuable."
Yeah, her thoughts are valuable.
But the shit that's actually coming out her mouth?
Garbage. Pure garbage.
This is not good stuff.
It's just pointless, man.
It's never in the clutch stuff.
It's never things that are gonna save my life in the moment.
It's never like we're driving over a bridge
and she's like, "Hey, hon, crack those windows.
Just in case we go off this bridge, land in this water,
you'll be able to open the door
and due to pressure, swim right out,
save your life."
Never information like that.
Never solid. It's always just like,
I'm in the kitchen pouring a soda, she strolls by.
"Uh, that's a wine glass. Soda doesn't go in there."
Like, shut the fuck up.
Maybe I wanna drink my soda like a king today,
out of a goblet.
I got my own plans. Mind your business.
This is annoying.
That's why the road is dope. It's freedom.
As a comic, I just get to go away.
I ain't gotta deal with it.
Just gonna be on the road,
live my life the way I wanna live it.
I don't gotta live by her rules, you know?
Her big thing is my weight, 'cause she's a bitch, you know?
It's weight all the time. "Eat this, do this."
Like, fuck you, you married me fat. What are we doing?
Why is this even a conversation?
Plus I don't give a shit. I don't care about being fat.
I'm not stressed out about it.
'Cause in America, there's always a fatter person.
Always.
You will always find a fatter person than you.
If you're so fat you don't see them in the street,
turn on TV.
There's all types of shows about 'em.
You'll figure it out, you know what I mean?
Not worried about it.
She wants me to get a FitBit. Why?
Why? I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do the steps.
It's a dumb-- why?
It's silly. It's not going to tell you how many steps I did.
It's only going to alert you that I passed out
during a "SVU" marathon.
It's the farthest this thing is gonna go.