This shouldn't even be funny but I get asked this all the time and what am I
supposed to do if my husband hates me? Let's take that on in a serious way
today. Kind of an interesting title today right? What to do when your husband hate
you? Now let's take a look at this. Okay I believe and I've addressed this on some
of the other videos on this channel actually, that we have a choice. We always
have a choice. When we interact with someone else, between love and hate. And I
pick the word hate because people hate the word hate. But honestly, if it's not a
love choice, what is it? Yeah it's going to be on this side one way
or another. I don't think that there's a neutral option. I think we have
to fall on one side or the other. The first thing I want to say about this.
What to do when your husband hate you or your wife or your boyfriend or your
girlfriend or your mom or your dad or your kid. Whoever it is. When someone
hates you, you choose love. Okay now does that seem a little weird. Let's just work
with that for a minute because it's got to be on one side or the other and the
thing about choosing love is that it's a little harder to do when someone else is
choosing hate. But there's a lot of good reasons why we need to do this. Can I
just share a little example with you of something that occurred with a family I
was working with. A young man and the young woman were in a relationship
together. And he did something that offended her. Okay so she ran off and
talked to her family about the thing that this young man did. That was kind of
a hate choice. Coming from I don't know, just the weakness the typical human
weakness that we all have. In fact you know what,
Desmond Tutu said it this way. He said we are all broken and from that brokenness
we hurt each other. So this young man did something hateful not because he's evil
but because he's human that hurt this young woman. Well she
responded with a loving response or a hateful response. Well she went and
talked to her family in a kind of a hateful way. Well that causes the family
to get fired up and they start lobbing hateful comments and remarks toward this
young man. Well that woke up mama bear on this side of the equation, right? And so
you see what happens? How do you think wars get started?
Honestly it starts with something as simple as an offence between two people.
It's how it works. So with all of this hateful stuff going on, where's that
going to end? Now what if your spouse or your ex or someone in your life does
something hateful toward you? You're in a choice now. You got to choose love or
hate. What do they deserve? Well that's not the best question. The best question
is what kind of a person are you going to be and do not let someone else's
hateful choice, drag you into the same kind of a choice. Because if a hateful
choice leads to another hateful choice and it just builds from there and we're
lobbing shells the whole time. Starts wars, okay?
Causes all kinds of death and destruction. Am I exaggerating that? I
don't think so. That's where it starts. So we get to choose love and it's
especially hard when someone's being hateful. But that's the choice that
you've faced with. Okay now with that being said, I don't think he really hates
you. Well I don't know you, I don't know your situation but
here's what I found. Usually when a hateful exchange starts to occur between
two people who love each other, who chose each other to be in a relationship, it's
usually not that he hates you. Even if he says he does. Probably not. Usually
hateful choices come from either typical human weakness or a position of feeling
threatened. I remember when I was a little kid. I was in kindergarten I think
five years old and there was this cat that got into our yard and I am the big
strong kindergartner. I'm going to go out and defend this house, right? from the
stray cat that's just coming into our yard. So I get this cat kind of cornered
over in the tomatoes and he's between two tomato cages right up against the
wall of our house. And I've got him cornered and I'm threatening a man you
get out of here. You big old mean cat. That cat jumped on me and bit my leg in a way
that left a scar that still exists today. Right here on my thigh. Now
why did that cat bite me? Because it's a mean evil animal? No, because it was
cornered and threatened. You see where I'm going with this? Probably it was a
wonderful pet that someone owned. Their little kitty right? And it's
attacking me because it feels threatened. This is going to steam perhaps just a
little bit because if someone is acting hateful toward you, it may not mean that
they're evil or bad it may mean that they feel threatened and scared. That
could be very informative. So probably if someone's being hateful towards you, it
may not even be about you it may be about something completely different
that's going on in their life for they're feeling threatened. Well are
they feeling threatened by you? Perhaps. take a look. That could be informative
so keep the mind open to some of those possibilities. Now what can we do about
it? Big advocate by the way of preserving marriages and saving key relationships.
Love doing that. You'll see that there are a lot of videos here on the channel
about how to deal with divorce and child custody and things that happen if a
marriage does split up. But my heart is in saving and enriching key
relationships. I want to help you to do that too. So what can you do if your
spouse is being hateful toward you? Choose love and then try a little
five-day experiment. You don't have to let them know that you're doing this,
okay? Just try it out. Be observant. Keep some notes. Notice what happens if you do
this. Here's the five-day experiment. There's two parts to it. The first part
is what I call "25/5". "25/5". So five stands for five days. I
want this to be a five-day experiment. For those five days you come up with a
list of 25 things for which you are sincerely grateful. Look at some of the
videos we've done here on this channel about gratitude. You'll see why it's so
important. 25 things for which you are sincerely grateful. And don't make it up
okay? You have to actually be grateful for it to put it on the list.
Now here's what powers it up. At least half of your list every day. And by the
way, don't repeat anything on tomorrow's list that was on today's list. Whole new
list tomorrow, okay? You can do this. Invite your mind to go there. Half of
your list every day that's 13 if you're doing the math, is about your husband or
your wife, your spouse or your marriage. Okay
at least half of your list every day is about your
spouse or your marriage. And again don't make it up. Make sure that you're really
grateful for it. This is powerful and I don't even have
to give you all the rationale behind it. You understand already that there's some
power and gratitude. It changes you. It changes your mind and your focus and
that's what you're bringing to the relationship. This is what gives you the
very best chance to influence it. And then just notice what happens. Even if
you're not expressing it to your spouse. Find what you're grateful for. Put it on
your list and then notice what happens with your spouse. It could be very
fascinating. Do this for five days, okay? Here's phase 2 - well it's not phase two
as in do this afterwards. I mean do it right along at the same five days. We're
going to do another five-day experiment. This one is called "5 for 5".
"5 for 5. Again five days, but this time we're going to send five messages every
day, that's 25 by the end of the five days. 5 messages every day that
communicate one of these three things. I
value this relationship. How do you send that message? Well there's a dozen ways
to do that. Find some way to communicate that you value this relationship. It
might be coming home early from work. It might be leaving a little note before
you leave the house. It might be slipping something into the lunch pail a little
surprise or a note that somebody gets to discover a little bit later but you send
the message that you value this relationship. That it's important to you.
Message number two. My life is better because you're in it. My life is better
because you are in it. This is a powerfully affirming message if someone
is acting hatefully towards you. This changes the energy of that whole thing.
And it's a powerful way to influence perceptions. The third message that you
can do for your 5/5 exercise, is I appreciate you. Now be specific about
that. Not just I appreciate you. I appreciate you for whatever. Okay? Fill in
the blanks. You find something specific for which you are sincerely grateful and
that's not going to be too hard because you're making a list, right? but you're
going to send the message that you appreciate your spouse for something
specific. Find five ways to send one of those three messages five days in a row.
Do it the same five days and that's going to power this thing up. What can
you do if your spouse is acting hateful toward you? I say acting hateful because
I don't think they actually hate you. It's a whole other conversation. Choose
love. Choose love, okay? And then try this five-day experiment. 25/5 gratitude list.
Half of that's about your spouse or your marriage and 5/5. Five
messages, five days in a row. Give it a try. You know what, as awesome as you are,
it's hard to imagine that anyone would hate you. But if somebody does, maybe
that's going help. I hope so.
i standing in the street alone alone