- Guys, don't judge him.
He's happy with who he is.
We just legalized gay marriage in this country.
Don't take a step back on dog homosexuality.
[dark electronic music]
♪
Welcome to "This Is Not Happening."
I'm your host, Ari Shaffir.
And today the topic is crime.
[cheers and applause]
Please help me welcome the host
of the "Skeptic Tank" podcast, Ari Shaffir.
[cheers and applause]
Here's the deal: I moved to New York
not too long ago, a few years ago.
And it's great. It's a lot of fun.
People are like, "Which one do you like better?"
I'm like, "They're fuckin' both--
they're both great; they're both great."
There's this war going on between LA and New York,
and I don't understand it.
Like, "Which one's better? Which one's better?"
"New York sucks." "LA sucks."
I'm like, "Fuckin' Kansas City sucks."
[laughter]
Why are you trying to hurt each other?
It's like, who's better, Kobe Bryant or Kevin Durant?
Well, in terms of non-rape,
I guess it would be Kevin Durant.
[laughter]
But--that's right, I hate the Lakers.
[laughter]
People are like, "Why won't you forget it?"
I'll never forget it. I'll never forget it.
Anyway, that's all sidetrack.
When I really like LA better is in the winter.
So what I do is, I find some comedian
to switch apartments with for the winter.
I come here; they go there.
I ask them usually in June.
They look at the weather report,
and they're like, "Yeah, New York seems fine."
[laughter]
And then, like, January rolls around.
They're like, "You double-crossed me!"
And I'm like, "I can't hear you over the sunshine."
[laughter]
So I switched apartments with my friend Benji Aflalo.
And he double-crossed me too,
because when I got to his apartment,
he was like, "Oh, by the way, I got a dog.
You got to take care of it. Bye."
[laughter] And then he left.
This dog bit me for, like, the first week I was there too.
I was like, "Why is your dog biting me?"
He was--he stayed for, like, three days.
We stayed, like, together.
And then he left.
But I was like, "Why is your dog biting me?"
He's like, "Well, you know,
dogs can smell fear."
[laughter]
And I was like, "Yeah, but why is he biting me?"
He's like, "Well, you know, when they smell fear"--
I've never understood that logic of, like,
just 'cause you know I'm scared of you, dog,
why is physical violence your answer to that?
That's asshole logic.
Like, how about you know I'm scared.
Walk slowly when I'm in the room.
[laughter] Set me at ease.
Don't be like, "Scared? Fuckin' scared?"
Like, "Yes, please stop doing that,
and I won't be as frightened of you."
[laughter]
It was fun taking care of this dog too, though.
I fell in love with him.
I fell in love with him. I love this dog.
'Cause a lot of you don't understand.
My thought was, "I'll take him on walks;
I'll meet chicks," you know.
Like, "Oh, you got a dog. I got a dog."
[mumbling] You know.
That's a "one thing leads to another" situation.
[laughter] I love this dog.
Here's my question about dogs, by the way.
They say they're supposed to have
a really good sense of smell.
We've heard that since we were little.
Dogs--really good sense of smell.
Okay, well then how come,
when they're smelling another dog's asshole,
do they have to be inside that dog's asshole
in order to make out what it is?
'Cause that doesn't seem like
a very good sense of smell at all.
[laughter]
I have guy friends who if they haven't showered
for, like, a day and a half,
I can smell their assholes...
[laughter]
From, like, six feet away through clothing.
I'm like, "It was one of you guys.
I don't know which one, but I can clearly smell asshole."
I don't have to treat it like a 40-year-old wine
where I'm like, "Hold on, let me--
let me really get in there."
[mumbles]
[inhales deeply]
[laughter]
"Yup, that's an asshole, all right.
Story checks out."
[laughter]
"Same place as the others."
[laughter]
Anyway, this dog, he was so cool.
Who has dogs here, anybody?
[people cheer] You guys got a dog.
Your dog do any tricks?
- Sleeps a lot. - Sleeps a lot?
That's not really a trick. That's depression.
[laughter]
You want your dogs to do tricks.
Nothing crazy, nothing crazy.
All I wanted to teach this dog was to fetch.
That was my goal.
It was, like, nine-, ten-month-old dog,
and I'm like, "I can still teach it," you know?
Fetch: basic shit. Nothing crazy.
Some people do that trick where you put
a treat on the dog's nose
and they got to fuckin' sit there and not eat it,
just balancing it, and then you're like,
"Okay, go," and then they eat it.
That's fuckin' slave shit.
Don't do that to your dog.
That's part of your family.
That's unnecessary.
Oh, this thing that you love--
here, it's right next to your face
where you can smell it.
Don't eat it.
[laughter]
I just wanted this dog to fetch.
That's all I wanted him to do: fetch.
Easiest shit in the world, right?
And I tried--I tried to teach him how to fetch.
It was so hard, but I tried.
I watched YouTube videos on how to train a dog to--
I watched 30 seconds of one YouTube video
on how to train a dog to fetch.
I bought the crinkly kind of toy.
I bought those little, tiny tennis balls
so he can get his fucking tiny Chihuahua mouth around it.
[laughter] Nothing worked.
He had no interest in fetching.
You know what he loved?
[people murmuring]
Nope, none of you guys got it. You're never gonna get it.
You're not even on the right path.
Semen, semen. He loved semen.
[laughter]
I'm not done there.
I'm not gonna just leave it out there like that
and be like, "All right, next story."
There's more to it. I'm gonna explain it.
I came home one day, and in his dog bed,
he had all these tissue papers.
And he was, like, fucking biting these tissue papers
and, like, eating them.
And I was like, "Benji, why is your dog
biting all these tissue papers?"
And he goes, "Oh, motherfucker.
"He's been in my room again.
"Yeah, he goes in there and treasure hunts
for jizz rags."
[laughter]
"And he brings them back to his bed
"like a job well done.
He gets to enjoy his spoils."
He loves semen. I don't care.
I'm not gonna judge him.
Let him be happy with who he is.
He knows what he loves.
I'll just lock my door, that's all.
I kept the door closed,
and I wouldn't let him in my room.
But once, I went to the bathroom,
and when I came back,
he had one of my inside-out socks
in his bed.
Smart dog.
[laughter]
Fine, whatever. I don't care.
All I want is to be a dog trainer,
and I tried everything to get this dog to fetch.
I tried everything. I bought him a little fetch toy.
It's, like, a rubber hollow thing.
You put a treat on the inside,
and then you let him smell it, and he wags his tail, all happy.
And then I'd throw it; he would just look at it...
[laughter]
And then look back at me
like, "You know you're gonna go get that."
[laughter]
I'd be like, "Come on, come on."
And then I'd be like, "See, don't you"--
I'm like, "You're fucking training me."
[laughter]
No interest in fetching.
Anyway, towards the end of the winter,
I was having sex with a woman
and used a condom for once...
[laughter] And, uh--
Feels great to use a condom.
I feel like I'm not part of the problem.
[laughter]
Anyway, I finished, and I went to the bathroom
to throw out the condom, you know,
in the trash can in the bathroom.
And when I opened the door, the dog,
he got all excited to see me, you know,
'cause I was in the bedroom killing it
for, like, eight hours.
[laughter]
Could've been ten minutes. I don't know.
Could've been ten. Dogs can't tell time.
Dogs can't tell time. Dogs can't tell time.
To him, it was, like, a day. It didn't matter.
Dogs can't tell time.
[laughter]
And, uh, I saw him.
I was like, "Oh, hey, buddy, excited to see me?"
But he wasn't looking at me.
He was looking at my hand
with the condom in it.
And I was like, "What are--
No."
[laughter]
And to test it, I went like that,
and then he goes, like-- like, up on two legs.
You know when they do that thing?
I'm like, "You fucking slut."
[laughter]
To him, it was like a glass of milk.
Guys, don't judge him.
He's happy with who he is.
We just legalized gay marriage in this country.
Don't take a step back on dog homosexuality.
[laughter]
I don't care. He loves semen.
Let him be into what he's into.
That's what he likes.
That's what he wants.
But what I want is to be a dog trainer.
[laughter]
So I got that little fetch toy...
[laughter]
And I put-- uh-huh, yup, yup.
Mm-hmm, yup, yup. You're right.
You're right too. You're right.
You're right. That's right, mm-hmm.
Yup, yup. That's right.
You know what's gonna happen.
Mm-hmm, yup, yup.
That's right. Mm-hmm, yup.
[laughter]
I put it down, and then I took the condom,
and I turned it over, and I just kind of, like...
[laughter and groans]
Emptied it...
[laughter]
Onto this fetch toy.
[laughter]
And then I let him smell it, and he loved it.
[laughter]
He was like, "Om, nom, nom."
He couldn't get enough of it.
I'd take it, and I'd throw it,
and he'd fuckin' run after it.
I'd take it out again and throw it.
He was so excited-- you know the thing they do
where they can't even get traction,
where they're just like...
this for a while, and then it starts catching in?
He would do that, like burning rubber.
[laughter]
I jizzed on everything after that, you guys.
The tennis ball, the crinkly toy...
[laughter]
All of it.
Yeah, my methods are a little bit unorthodox.
[laughter]
I'm a lot like House.
[laughter]
But there's only one thing that's important there,
and that is that I am a dog trainer.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]