As all of you know, today is September 11,
and as humans, we all have our own way of processing
what happened that day.
But as we know, in life there are humans
and then there's President Trump.
And this morning, the nation's leader sent out
a heartfelt tweet that read:
(like Trump): 17 years since September 11.
Exclamation point.
Now, this tweet upset a lot of people,
because on days such as this, part of any president's job,
really, is to articulate the mood of the nation,
whereas this tweet looks like it was ghostwritten by a calendar.
And... and I'll be honest,
like, I think we should give the guy some credit.
First of all, he didn't say there were fine people
on both sides, so that's progress.
And secondly, the president was not wrong--
it is September 11 that happened 17 years ago, right?
Which means this is the most factually accurate thing
Trump has tweeted about in about three months.
-(cheering, applause) -So that's a good...
that's a step forward.
And, besides, compared to what Trump normally says about 9/11,
today's tweet was a huge step in the right direction, you know.
Which puts his pedometer at one, because Trump
has never been able to talk about 9/11 on Twitter
or in real life without being totally weird about it.
Like, today's tweet was much better
than the 9/11 tweet he sent out in 2013.
TV REPORTER: Trump tweeted, "I would like to extend
"my best wishes to all, even the haters and losers
on this special date, September 11th."
Now, you see there, I don't even know where to start, right?
Best wishes? Haters and losers? Special date?
Like, it starts out sounding like a wedding invitation,
then it becomes a diss track,
and then it ends as a birth announcement.
That's what it felt like.
Like Trump tried to commemorate 9/11,
and then he ended up writing the world's most confusing
Hallmark card, that's what it was.
And it turns out, it turns out,
this isn't a recent phenomenon, right?
Trump has been saying bizarre, emotionally out of step shit
about 9/11 since 9/11.
On the day it happened, most people were thinking,
"Is my family okay?
Could this be the start of World War III?"
Donald Trump, on the other hand,
was more concerned with bragging rights.
TV REPORTER:
TRUMP:
(audience exclaims)
Okay, so just so we're on the same page here.
Two buildings have just collapsed,
and Trump's reaction is, "I now have the tallest building
in downtown Manhattan."
That is not a normal thing to say.
Like, imagine if after the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor,
FDR was like, (mimics FDR): "December 7, 1941,
"a date when my boat became the biggest boat in all of Hawaii.
"It was a pretty cool day, actually.
Some would call it da bomb."
(audience exclaims)
(normal voice): And by the way, and by the way,
this was all before Donald Trump started running for president.
Once he got on the campaign trail,
his track record of talking about 9/11
went from weird to downright hateful.
TRUMP:
Hey, I watched
when the World Trade Center came tumbling down,
and I watched in Jersey City, New Jersey,
where thousands and thousands of people were cheering
as that building was coming down.
Okay, now, this is a proven lie, right.
There were never thousands of Arabs
in New Jersey celebrating the Towers coming down.
But to be fair, we do know that Trump suffers
from a rare medical condition that causes him
to see large crowds where there were none.
(cheering and applause)
It makes sense.
Oh, and, and his lies
about 9/11 didn't stop there, right?
Because once he put New Jersey Arabs into the story,
he was, like, "Wait, I want to be in the story, too."
In our darkest moments as a city,
we showed the world the very best of America,
the firefighters and first responders,
and the police officers and the Port Authority workers,
everyone who helped clear the rubble.
And I was there, and I watched, and I helped a little bit,
but I want to tell you, those people were amazing.
I'm sorry, what?
How do you help with 9/11 "a little bit"?
Like, you either help, or you don't.
What, did he go up to a cop and be like, "Hey, Officer,
"you got a little schmutz right there.
All right, I've done my part. Good luck, everybody."
And look, I can't say for sure that he's lying.
I'm just suspicious of someone who says that,
because Trump has never taken a little credit for anything.
Right? If he had helped at all, he would have been like,
"I cleaned up all of 9/11, folks.
I was the first and last responder all by myself."
I also struggle to believe that someone who was helping
can't remember what day it was.
It's very close to my heart, because I was down there,
and I watched our police and our firemen down on 7/11
down at the World Trade Center right after it came down.
7/11?
How do you mess up the date
of an event named after the date?
You just have to remember three numbers.
Like, I wonder what happens when he has an emergency.
"Hello, police? It's an emergency.
"What? 7-Eleven? Oh, I dialed seven, one, one.
"Well, as long as I have you,
let me get a Slurpee and a wrinkly hot dog, please."
Honestly, Trump is so bad with 9/11,
it feels like at some point in his presidency,
he's gonna mix it up completely with a different holiday.
And, like, I wouldn't be shocked if he shows up to Ground Zero
in a Halloween costume, right?
Although, knowing Trump, he'd just roll with it.
He'd be like, "I'm wishing everyone a spooktacular 9/11."
Look, what I'm saying is, all things considered,
I understand this tweet from today
might have pissed off some people,
but it's not really that bad.
In fact, it's probably Trump's best 9/11 observance yet.
And if you don't think so, you're a hater and a loser.