all right so chances are that if you're here at this video you have watched the
new Shane Dawson conspiracy theory video with Brittani Louise Taylor and while
Shane might be wondering how to help Brittani Louise Taylor a ton a ton of us
know somebody who is gotten out of an abusive relationship and we might be
wondering how to help them as well so that's exactly what we're gonna be
talking about in this video what is up everybody this is Chris from the rewired
soul where we talk about the problem but focus on the solution and if you're new
to my channel my channel is all about mental health and what I like to do is
pull different topics from the YouTube community to try to teach you how to
improve your mental and emotional well-being so the end of that stuff make
sure you subscribe and ring that notification bell and first and foremost
I just want to send out a huge huge thank you to everybody who came out to
join myself and Matt for the first episode of the unsolicited advice
podcast which was streamed yesterday over on our YouTube channel so if you
want to go check it out go check it out but if you think everybody was something
like we did like a two-hour long show most of our videos are gonna be out or
the streams they're gonna be one to two hours long and a lot of you stayed the
entire time so I've already received some messages asking when it's gonna be
up on like Apple podcast and my google podcasts and things like that this is
our first time doing this so right now we are waiting for it to get approved to
go up there so I will keep you posted make sure you
follow me over on Instagram and Twitter after we work so so you don't miss it
when they go live on the streaming services alright cool so yeah of course
if you're here if you hear this video chances are the you saw saw the new
Shane Dawson conspiracy theory video with Brittani Louise Taylor or they
talked about her abusive relationship and by the way real quick as I was
researching this video I was thinking about going a different direction with
it and I came across a video that Brittani Louise Taylor did not long ago
about five dating warning signs all right to hopefully prevent somebody
getting into the relationship that Britney got in so I'm gonna link that
down in the description below make sure that you go check it out because it's
good to increase awareness and know how we can avoid that type of
if at all possible all right I know a ton of you out there who are single you
are in the dating world you might be doing online dating that is how myself
and my beautiful girlfriend trusted Matt so make sure you know what to look out
for alright so anyways in this video I do want to talk about you know how to
help a friend who has left an abusive relationship there a survivor they are
somebody who might be struggling with trauma okay so the first tip you know
for Shane Dawson and a of you watching this video is do your research do your
research do your research do your research it is so important to do your
research because what it is is it will help you know what to ask what not to
ask and all of that like it's 2019 people I go out and do your own research
like it can be offensive to somebody who has been through a traumatic experience
to poke and prod and ask them all these questions like go google something and
learn about it okay so I want to pull from this article from Psychology Today
from Suzanne babble PhD she's also an MFT in this article she actually talks
about the abuse cycle okay this was actually pulled from
domestic violence org so number one an initial abusive incident occurs can be
sexual physical or emotional - tension builds with the abuser trying to quell
their violent tendencies and the abused E trying to keep the peace until finally
another incident happens three make up the abuser apologizes often promising
never to do it again conversely trying to shed blame by saying that the victim
asked for it or is making a big deal out of nothing
Thor call both parties act as if nothing is wrong and do their best to ignore the
mounting problem all right so understanding this abuse cycle this is
something that early mation and I talked about in the interview I did with her
the other day on my channel where like you get a bunch of people who don't
understand this thing and it could be an offensive questions to be like well why
didn't you just leave why didn't you leave like this cycle gets worse and
worse and worse like there's gas lighting involved like
in the makeup part where they you know say oh you
asked for it or you're making a big deal out of nothing like this begins to break
a person down psychologically what I mentioned in my last video is this is a
power and control type situation so learn about these things so you're not
asking these questions but this is also you know helpful for abuse survivors to
understand you know and cut yourself some slack and understand this because
next what it says in the Psychology Today article is this cycle can repeat
itself endlessly with the victim playing a prescribed role that is just as
predictable as the perpetrators eventually the makeup and calm stages
get shorter and the abusive State just often get longer after a period of time
it is not uncommon for victims of domestic violence like victims of all
types of abuse and trauma to develop the symptoms of post-traumatic stress
disorder also known as PTSD and because studies have proven that those who
suffer from PTSD can be inclined toward violence the cycle of abuse repeats
itself through generations and it's hard to break for victims for whom domestic
violence leads to PTSD they struggle with a long term psychological disorder
that can be challenging to diagnose and conquer so what that saying is - is like
how it gets worse you know these periods getting shorter the abusive periods
getting longer but this is why I'm extremely proud of Brittani Louise
Taylor for getting her son Rex out of that situation okay for a variety of
reasons it is a statistically proven fact that children who blow up grow up
cannot blow up grow up in an abusive household they are more likely to become
either a abuse when they get older or be become an abuser when they get older but
that's not a young age that is becoming normalized like this is why I try to
teach everybody that we need to be better we need to look at what we can
control and part of it is working on your anger and things like that so you
do not allow your child to grow up in that environment or you need to exit
that environment like Brittani Louise Taylor did something I've also talked
about is that it is also statistically proven that children who grow up in a
household with addicted parents alcohol drugs they're more likely to either only
become addicted themselves or be fell in love with somebody who is emphatic
themselves all right so this is why it's important to get out of these situations
or break the cycle so you don't continue it on for generations to come now for
all of you who are you know a friend of somebody or has a loved one who is
getting out of an abusive relationship like one of the best things that you can
do is know what you can and cannot control all right like this is extremely
important like trust me I get it I get it
so so so much working in mental health treatment like I wish I wish I could
just take everybody's pain away their trauma away and all of these things
right but like for example I know a lot of you relate to Shane Dawson a lot of
you you replied to me on Twitter when I asked you which youtubers do you can
relate to and Shane is somebody who talked about with Kati Morton in his
video the dark side of Jay Paul with the whole life sociopath controversy where
he is somebody who tries to save and help people but you guys in order to
keep our sanity and in order to help others we have to understand what we can
and cannot do like you guys like I would never be able to be in the career that I
am in if I thought that I can fix everybody if I thought that I could fix
all of you I would go absolutely insane this was a very hard lesson for me to
learn when I first got in the field like when the real a started to happen with
the clients or even when I started learning about overdoses and deaths you
know and all those things like it would drive me absolutely bonkers cuz I've
sitting there and saying what could I have done what could I've done what can
I have done right and like that's not necessarily a bad thing it's just I have
to keep it in check you have to keep it in check Shane Dawson has to keep it in
check right because it's a good thing because it means that we care all right
so the way I use that is it makes me want to learn more and be better at my
job to help more people but at a certain point we can only do so much but like
also understands you cannot take away their trauma or their pain like at the
end of the day this is where tough love comes in they have to be responsible for
their recovery so Shane Dawson actually did a video with Kati Morton the YouTube
therapist while she's a real therapist on YouTube
but it was called the mind of Shane Dawson and he talked with her about you
know what happened after the Jay Paul series and what he was going through
they had a conversation and all of that and something that Shane had to learn in
that situation was boundaries okay like this is extremely important so all of
you like you have to understand like I get it we want to take all that stuff
away from them but we also have to set up boundaries or we can get sucked into
their pain with them and then nobody is getting help so the biggest thing that
you have to learn is that the person you are trying to help has to have the
willingness to get better okay okay so now that we understand that recovery is
the responsibility of the person who is trying to overcome this all right
one of the best things that you can do is listen okay just listen be there for
them and just listen I know when we're listening we want to chime in we want to
give them their advice when I give them tips again this can be offensive to some
people okay so just sit there and listen like I I
love my girlfriend Tristan and because like one of the things is like if I'm
going through something if I'm stressing like sometimes I could just say like hey
I just need to vent I just need you there to listen there's actually
something I talked about in a collab I did with rkvc that's coming out pretty
soon but anyways just be there and listen
okay you don't have to do anything you don't have to say anything a good
question to ask in that situation is can I do anything to help ask them that
question alright because there are things that you might be able to do to
help if they're feeling stressed if they're feeling overwhelmed whatever it
is like maybe they're just like you know what I need groceries can you go to the
grocery store for me cool get a list go to the grocery store for them alright
but that's when boundaries come in to like don't just keep going to the
grocery store for them because at a certain point if you keep doing
everything for them you are actually helping them stay sick okay so maybe
after you do it a few times then that's when it's like hey why don't you come
with me to the grocery store right be there with them and all of that you see
what I'm saying so you can help them without doing everything for them you
cannot recover for another person all right the next thing you can do is help
you find a therapist okay one thing that you should do
is called motivational interviewing all right this is a therapeutic technique
that everybody should learn go google it but TL DR basically what it is is asking
questions to help the other person come to their own conclusions right like some
people are stuck in the problem and they don't know what the solution is so
here's a motivational interviewing question you can ask right have you ever
considered going to therapy and like I am Telling You after doing this for
years and working with other people like this something vast simple can just Bing
flip a light switch on like they might have not even considered going to
therapy so you just asking have you considered going to therapy help them
come to their own conclusion one of the reasons why this type of technique is
beneficial is because people get defensive people get standoffish all
right like there's a big difference between have you thought about going to
therapy or you need to go to therapy you know what I mean I know the inflection
of my voice changes but just think away about the way a question comes off in
the way like like saying like they should do something like a demand or an
order comes off alright now if the person is in a state and they haven't
found a therapist something that you can do is research therapist for them okay
look up they're pissed in your area see which one's help with trauma abuse and
all that like when a coast is Shane Dawson a Brittani Louise Taylor I don't
know but I would assume she's been in therapy this is an assumption maybe I'll
find out more when I you know have the time to check out her book but like if
she wasn't what Shane Dawson could do is research therapist see which months
specialize in you know survivors of domestic violence abuse and all of that
right you get a list of phone numbers you give it to that person do not call
the therapist for them and set up an appointment
okay I'm less it gets to a certain point where you feel you need to do that again
like you are basically the person's training wheels okay do little things
for them to help get them started but they have to take responsibility for
their recovery all right the next thing you can do say they set up that
appointment with a therapist like something that you can do because a lot
of people are afraid to go to therapy for the first time is offer to go with
them offer to go with them as emotional support now
you might not be able to sit in their session with them like for you know in
some states I think it's like you know against like HIPPA laws and all that
unless you're doing like some kind of relationship therapy or it might just be
the therapist they would rather meet with the person what I want but again
you can't do it for them so just go with them sit in the waiting room watch some
YouTube videos listen to an audiobook or whatever and go with them okay as
emotional support now again just like everything else you are their training
wheels go with them to the first 1 2 3 sessions that they have and then they
got to start doing it on their own and less like they don't have a car or
whatever give them a ride or whatever it is but remember like the goal is the
goal is is that people will no longer need you to do all these things for them
and it can be you know a fully self-supporting person right like I love
that you guys keep coming to my channel and you know learning and all these
other things but something I often told my clients it's like what I hope for all
of you is that eventually you won't need to call me to ask me for help or ask me
for advice or anything like that not because I don't want to talk to them but
I want them to have enough tools and enough confidence in their mental health
journey that they don't need me right because again what if I go out and I get
hit by a bus or a meteor or a dinosaur eats me or whatever it is tomorrow ok so
we want to help the person get to the place where they can do it on their own
alright anyways if you are an abuse survivor let me know things that I I
didn't mention in this video that you would like people to know they might be
able to help you alright let me know down in the comments below
and real quick shout out to my friend koleilat she has a channel called
post-traumatic victory she is an abuse survivor who struggles with PTSD and she
has a mental health channels who's been one of my bestest friends in the YouTube
community since I got started I'll link her channel down in the description go
check it out again make sure you go subscribe to our podcast channel
unsolicited advice and follow me on Instagram and Twitter where I will let
you know as soon as the podcast is live on streaming services alright anyways
that's all I got for this video if you like this video please give it a thumbs
up if you're new make sure you subscribe and ring that notification bell because
I make a ton of videos and a huge huge thank you to everybody supporting the
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you would like to join in click or tap on that patreon icon alright thanks
again for watching I'll see you next time