If you've got a loved one struggling with an addiction and you've done any research or had
any involvement in family recovery you've probably heard of the three C's these three C's come from
Al-Anon and don't worry if you're not familiar with them I'm gonna tell you exactly what they
are the three C's are you didn't cause it you can't control it and you can't cure it
this is meaning the family member didn't cause the addiction you can't control the addiction
and you can't cure the addiction well actually I'd like to add a fourth C to this saying and I
would like to say that you can contribute to the problem in fact in this video I'm
gonna tell you five ways that you might be contributing to your loved one's addiction
for those of you who are new here welcome to put the shovel down,
I'm Amber Hollingsworth and this YouTube channel is all about helping you understand the science
and psychology of addiction so that you can get five steps ahead of it get your life and your
family back on track and get back out there and live the life that you want to be living
not the one controlled by addiction all right let's get into our topic now before I tell you
the is five ways how you can contribute to someone else's addiction I want you
to understand I'm not telling you that the addiction is your fall in fact these five
behaviors that I'm about to explain are very likely being triggered because of the addiction
so I know that you are behaving this way and doing these things because the addiction is triggering
you to behave this way however just like with an addiction although it might not be your fault it
is your responsibility to get better it's easy for us to think about our addicted loved one and
to see how addiction really is the puppet master controlling all of their behaviors
but sometimes what we fail to see is that that addiction is not only
controlling their behaviors like a puppet master but it is controlling
our behaviors like a puppet master and all of these things help keep the addiction alive now
the good news is if you can stop the addiction from controlling your behaviors you're 50% there
in fact, I might even say more than 50% there so let's take a look at what those five behaviors
are one of the biggest things that you're likely doing if you have an addicted loved one is you're
likely to be constantly looking for the evidence trying to prove that what you know is true because
in most situations you know it's bad you know they're drinking you know they're using you
know they're sneaking you know they're lying but of course, they're telling you they're not doing
things and it's easy to allow ourselves to get wrapped up in this mission to prove it
and the more we try to prove it and the more we turn into I call it like the CSI
moms and spouses and dads the more we are fueling their addiction the more we try to
find it the more they try to hide it and that's not even the bad part because not
only do they try to hide it but then they get mad at us and it puts us in that bad guy role
we'll talk a little bit more about that as we go on now the second behavior that we get caught
up in which really contributes to the problem is that we are constantly trying to force them to see
the problem it is crazy maddening to be dealing with someone in denial, in fact, you have this
odd sensation where you just wanna take someone by the shoulders and shake some truth into them
it's like how can you not see this? It is so obvious to everyone around you why are you
doing this? And when we feel that way it's quite natural to want to rip the shade off of someone's
denial force them to see it take them by the shoulders and shake them but guess what? It
doesn't work and the more we try to force them to see it the longer they're going to stay in denial
now there are ways to get people out of denial but forcing someone out of denial
is the least effective way we actually teach these methods inside our online course called
the invisible intervention we'll show you how to actually get someone to see that there's a
problem and you're gonna find out it is the opposite of what you've been doing
in fact, listen to this feedback I got just last week from someone who's in our
invisible intervention I think they've been in there maybe three weeks I could
be wrong but I'm pretty sure that's the amount of time so for the people that are
inside that course I usually ask them every week or so how are things going?
And last week I got this piece of feedback ready here it goes
last Friday my husband had a major drinking event in the past I have responded with anger
which led to significant bad feelings between us this time I responded by
using the invisible intervention methods with things like compassion and empathy
in fact, I even thought about the situation differently instead of being really angry and
upset I actually felt a little bit of relief thinking to myself maybe this is gonna take us
one step closer for him realizing he has this problem the difference in
my response was huge he went right to bed but then called me in to apologize
and say how much he loved me and how I didn't deserve to be treated like this
and the next morning he said he was done drinking this is the first time it seems like his decision
to quit drinking is really his decision and he even took action by making some phone
calls to deal with some medical issues he's been neglecting I'm trying very hard to keep my mouth
shut instead I'm doling out hugs kisses having fun conversations and watching movies together
and he's not even fallen asleep he's actually starting to initiate hugs and
pleasant conversations he actually seems happier I think he's possibly feeling happiness toward
himself instead of feeling shame and self-loathing I now know to ask questions instead of sharing my
thoughts and opinions which of course came across to him as me being a know-it-all
this is the best our relationship has been in a long time and even though it's only been a week
since he was drinking I realize there may be more ups and downs but I am truly feeling that there
is hope and I don't feel adrift and helpless like I did before thank you so much I feel now
that I actually have some direction as you can see from that feedback from the person that's
in our invisible intervention program just changing the way she responds to her husband
not trying to force him to see it actually allows him to see it which guess what? That
is really good news because if your behavior can contribute to addiction being worse your
behavior can contribute to things getting better and just exactly the ways we just described now if
you're interested in learning about the invisible intervention I'll put a link in the description
below but in the meantime let's move on to the number three-way that our you can contribute
and probably does contribute to the other person's addiction not only are we
constantly trying to prove that what we know is true and we are trying to get them to see
that they have a problem but we are also trying to get them to see how
their behavior is negatively impacting them us and other people around them
when we do this we're only hitting their shame and
guilt button which is only going to make them more defensive and in their head,
all they do is think about how you're not fair you're not me you don't understand
and they cling to the substance or the addiction even more because it's their only sense of relief
now the fourth way some people contribute to the problem that they don't even realize
is contributing is talking about it to other people in the family and
other friends now not every family member does this but a lot of them
do and the reason why we do this is that we're seeking help and support
and sometimes we're trying to get other people to realize what's going on and maybe step in
and try to help the addictive person see the problem but the problem is this makes
the addictive person feel very angry upset shameful defensive and there's no faster way
to get some wanted to shut down then telling other people their business
I'm telling you this will make your loved one not just defensive but flat out angry
and I've saved the most obvious one for last obviously when our loved one is struggling
with an addiction to drugs alcohol or any other kind of behavioral addiction
we get trapped in a cycle of fear which can then cause us to enable them
we feel like we have to pay their bills or fix things or cover for them and the final way that
families can inadvertently contribute to someone else's addiction is because you're constantly
living in fear which may trigger you to enable that addiction-like pay for things you don't
wanna pay for or keep someone from losing their job or keep someone from failing out of school
we're so scared for these bad things to happen for our loved one we kind of create
this safety net trying to protect them but oftentimes we're just protecting the
addiction and not so much the person now if you really wanna be helpful to a loved
one who has an addiction and you wanna help them get it under control in productive ways
I want you to watch these videos next it's all about how to effectively motivate someone to
deal with their addiction and on their recovery