WELCOME, WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
CORONAVIRUS IS ALL ANYONE'S TALKING ABOUT, AND I'LL TALK
ABOUT IT SOME MORE TONIGHT IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF "GOIN'
VIRAL."
>> TOUCH MY BODY.
>> Stephen: THERE ARE NOW HOW MANY?
OVER 900 CONFIRMED CASES OF THE CORONAVIRUS IN 36 STATES, AND
ONE OF THE WORST HIT STATES IS RIGHT HERE, NEW YORK.
♪ START SPREADING THE FLUS ♪
MUCH OF THE ACTIVITY HERE HAS CENTERED AROUND SUBURBAN NEW
ROCHELLE, WHICH HAS THE LARGEST CLUSTER OF THESE CASES IN THE
UNITED STATES.
WELL, THIS AFTERNOON, WE GOT A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT FROM NEW YORK
GOVERNOR AND MAN WHO JUST HEARD SOMEONE COUGH, ANDREW CUOMO.
( LAUGHTER )
PLANS TO ENFORCE A CONTAINMENT AREA FOR A ONE-MILE RADIUS
AROUND THE CENTER OF THE CLUSTER.
OH, WHAT A CLUSTERSUCK.
( LAUGHTER )
GOVERNOR CUOMO HAS CALLED IN THE NATIONAL GUARD.
"NATIONAL GUARD"?
"CONTAINMENT AREA"?
THESE ARE "FAMILY FEUD" ANSWERS FOR THE QUESTION "NAME SOMETHING
YOU HEAR IN A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE."
( LAUGHTER )
HE'S EATING MY BRAIN!"
NOW, THE NATIONAL GUARD IS NOT THERE TO ENFORCE THE CONTAINMENT
AREA.
INSTEAD, THEY ARE GOING "TO HELP WITH THE CLEANING OF PUBLIC
SPACES AND TO DELIVER FOOD TO HOMES."
AND I THINK WE HAVE A PICTURE OF THE AREA'S NEW DOMINO'S GUY.
( LAUGHTER )
BEING TAKEN BY THESE GUARDSMEN.
SO, GUARDSMAN, I SALUTE YOU.
OOPS, I'M TOUCHING MY FACE.
NOW, PEOPLE IN THE AREA CAN STILL TRAVEL FREELY, BUT THE
CONTAINMENT ZONE "BLOCKS ANY LARGE PUBLIC GATHERINGS IN THE
AREA, TO PREVENT FURTHER TRANSMISSION OF THE VIRUS."
OH, SO IT'S JUST A PRECAUTION.
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
IN FACT, GOVERNOR CUOMO TRIED TO CALM ANXIOUS RESIDENTS, SAYING,
"THIS IS, LITERALLY, A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH."
( LAUGHTER )
LIFE AND DEATH"!
BIG CHOICE.
A GOOD ONE.
>> Jon: DING, DING, DING, NUMBER ONE!
>> Stephen: NUMBER ONE ANSWER!
BECAUSE OF ANXIETY OVER THE CORONAVIRUS, EVERYBODY WANTS TO
STAY STERILE, AND THAT HAS LED TO A LOT OF PRICE GOUGING IN THE
STATE.
FOR INSTANCE, PURELL WAS SELLING FOR $79 IN ONE MANHATTAN
HARDWARE STORE.
WELL, SIDE SAY THAT'S CERTAINLY NOT...
A TRUE VALUE.
( LAUGHTER )
YESTERDAY, NEW YORK STATE ANNOUNCED THAT IT WILL BE
PRODUCING ITS OWN HAND SANITIZER, TO BE AVAILABLE AT
LOCAL GOVERNMENT AND STATE AGENCY OFFICES.
AND, SINCE IT'S NEW YORK, IT WILL ALSO BE AVAILABLE ON A
FOLDING TABLE NEXT TO A FAKE LOUIS VUITTON CLUTCH, USED
PAPERBACKS, AND A BOOTLEG DVD OF "MISTER POPPER'S PENGUINS."
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
ANNOUNCEMENT, HE DID IT WITH STYLE.
>> OPEN THE CURTAIN, PLEASE.
WE ARE INTRODUCING NEW YORK STATE CLEAN HAND SANITIZER MADE
CONVENIENTLY BY THE STATE OF NEW YORK.
>> Stephen: HERE'S WHAT TROUBLES ME: I SHOULDN'T BE THIS EXCITED
SANITIZER.
( LAUGHTER )
RIGHT," WHEN THAT CURTAIN OPENED IT WOULD HAVE SOUNDED LIKE THIS.
♪ ♪ ♪
NOW-- >> Jon: THAT'S WHAT IT SOUNDS
LIKE, RIGHT ON.
>> Stephen: THE GOVERNOR HELPFULLY DEMONSTRATED HOW TO
USE HAND SANITIZER.
>> IT HAS A VERY NICE FLORAL BOUQUET.
I DETECT LILAC, HYDRANGEA, TULIPS.
>> Stephen: (AS CUOMO) "LILAC, HYDRANGEA, TULIPS.
AND SINCE THIS IS NEW YORK, ALL OF THAT IS BEING OVERPOWERED BY
GARBAGE, AND SUBWAY POOP THAT YOU HOPE IS FROM A DOG."
MMM.
( APPLAUSE )
ABOUT THAT FLORAL BOUQUET, AS CUOMO EXPLAINS:
>> JUST TO CLARIFY, I SAID THIS HAD A FLORAL BOUQUET.
THAT WAS A JOKE.
( LAUGHTER )
JOKE IF YOU JUST SAY SOMETHING THAT COULD BE TRUE BUT
ISN'T.
( LAUGHTER )
"OH, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" "IT'S NOT MY BIRTHDAY.
THAT WAS A JOKE.
HEY, EVERYBODY!
TED HERE THINKS I TELL THE TRUTH WHEN I TALK.
WHAT A JACKASS!
BY THE WAY, WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE ME?"
FEAR OF THE VIRUS HAS HAD A HUGE EFFECT ON THE ECONOMY.
YESTERDAY, THE DOW FELL 2,000 POINTS, SO THE PRESIDENT
IMMEDIATELY HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE TO ANNOUNCE HIS PLAN
TO PLAN TO HAVE A PLAN TO DO STUFF.
>> WE'RE GOING TO BE MEETING WITH HOUSE REPUBLICANS-- MITCH
McCONNELL, EVERYBODY-- AND DISCUSSING A POSSIBLE PAYROLL
TAX CUT OR RELIEF, SUBSTANTIAL RELIEF, VERY SUBSTANTIAL RELIEF.
WE'RE ALSO GOING TO BE TALKING ABOUT HOURLY WAGE EARNERS
GETTING HELP SO THAT THEY CAN BE IN A POSITION WHERE THEY'RE NOT
GOING TO EVER MISS A PAYCHECK.
WE'LL BE WORKING WITH COMPANIES AND SMALL COMPANIES, LARGE
COMPANIES-- A LOT OF COMPANIES-- SO THAT THEY DON'T GET PENALIZED
FOR SOMETHING THAT'S NOT THEIR FAULT.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "I'M HERE WITH MITCH McCONNELL
AND OTHERS TO ANNOUNCE HASTILY-THROWN-TOGETHER MEASURES
THAT FEEL LIKE I'M THROWING HANDFULS OF DRY DOG FOOD AT A
CHARGING TIGER.
HERE'S A TAX CUT!
MAYBE SOME LOANS!
SUBSTANTIAL RELIEFS!
FOR EVERYBODY!
SMALL COMPANIES!
FAT COMPANIES!
SEXY COMPANIES!
UGLY COMPANIES!
TELL ME WHEN ONE OF THESE WORKS.
ANYBODY SEND UP A FLARE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
A WORRIED NATION ABOUT THE VIRUS FROM THE CAPITOL BUILDING'S
OFFICIAL CHAMBER OF ECHOES.
>> JUST STAY CALM.
IT WILL GO AWAY.
BE CALM.
IT'S REALLY WORKING OUT.
AND A LOT OF GOOD THINGS ARE GONNA HAPPEN.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
( LAUGHTER )
TELLING MYSELF ABOUT YOU, AND THREE YEARS IN, NO GOOD THINGS
HAVE HAPPENED.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE PRESIDENT SEEMED TO DOWNPLAY
HOW MANY AMERICANS MIGHT BE IN DANGER.
>> Reporter: HAVE YOU BEEN BRIEFED THAT UP TO 100 MILLION
AMERICANS COULD ULTIMATELY BE EXPOSED TO THE VIRUS?
>> I'VE BEEN BRIEFED ON EVERY CONTINGENCY YOU CAN POSSIBLY
IMAGINE, MANY CONTINGENCIES, A LOT OF POSITIVE, DIFFERENT
NUMBERS.
ALL DIFFERENT NUMBERS.
VERY LARGE NUMBERS.
AND SOME SMALL NUMBERS TOO, BY THE WAY.
( LAUGHTER )
"BIG NUMBERS, LIKE 'SEVENTY-TEEN BERZILLION.'
SMALL NUMBERS, LIKE '3' AND IT'S A '3 IN A REALLY, REALLY TINY
FONT.' THE POINT IS, I KNOW ALL OF THE
NUMBERS AND MOST OF THE LETTERS.
"L."
"P."
"M."
YOU'D THINK TRUMP WOULD BE TAKING THE THREAT OF THE
CORONAVIRUS MORE SERIOUSLY THAN THIS SINCE HE MIGHT HAVE IT.
SEE, SOMEONE AT THE CONSERVATIVE POLITICAL ACTION CONFERENCE, OR
CPAC, LATER TESTED POSITIVE FOR CORONAVIRUS.
AND SOME REPUBLICANS, LIKE SENATOR TED CRUZ AND
REPRESENTATIVES PAUL GOSAR AND MATT GAETZ HAVE HAD TO
SELF-QUARANTINE AT HOME.
OUR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS ARE WITH THEIR FAMILIES.
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS )
TRUMP'S ORBIT TO SELF-QUARANTINE IS REPRESENTATIVE MARK MEADOWS,
WHO PRESIDENT TRUMP JUST LAST WEEK SELECTED AS HIS NEXT ACTING
CHIEF OF STAFF.
THAT IS A ROUGH START TO A NEW JOB.
"WELCOME ABOARD, MARK!
HERE'S YOUR KEYCARD.
SNACK ROOM'S DOWN THERE.
PARKING'S IN THE REAR.
NOW GET OUT OF HERE FOR TWO WEEKS WHILE WE BURN EVERYTHING
YOU TOUCHED."
ONE REPUBLICAN WHO HAS REFUSED TO SELF-QUARANTINE IS TEXAS
REPRESENTATIVE LOUIE GOHMERT, SEEN HERE SNORTING THE STEEPLE.
( LAUGHTER )
WITH THE CORONAVIRUS PATIENT AT CPAC, BUT HE HAS DECLINED TO
SELF-ISOLATE AFTER A PHYSICIAN SAID HE COULD RETURN TO WORK IF
HE OBSERVED "PROPER HYGIENE PROTOCOLS."
SOUNDS OKAY, BUT YESTERDAY, RATHER THAN LIMIT NON-ESSENTIAL
INTERACTIONS, GOHMERT CHOSE INSTEAD TO LEAD A LARGE GROUP OF
CHILDREN AROUND THE CAPITOL THAT CONSISTED OF WELL OVER 100 KIDS.
( AS GOHMERT )
YOU KNOW THE EXPRESSION 'CHILDREN ARE OUR FUTURE'?
WELL, WE'RE GONNA TEST THAT THEORY TODAY!
OKAY, HIGH-FIVE!
HIGH-FIVE!
COME ON."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
CONFERENCE, REPORTERS ASKED MIKE PENCE ABOUT WHETHER TRUMP
HAS BEEN TESTED.
>> Reporter: HAS THE PRESIDENT BEEN TESTED?
SIR, HE'S BEEN IN CONTACT WITH PEOPLE WHO WERE IN PROXIMITY
TO SOMEBODY WHO HAD THE VIRUS.
>> LET ME BE SURE TO GET YOU AN ANSWER TO THAT.
I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION.
>> Stephen: (AS PENCE) "WE DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER TO
THAT QUESTION, BECAUSE WE KEEP PUTTING THE
SWABS IN HIS MOUTH AND HE KEEPS EATING THEM.
HE THINKS THEY'RE TINY COTTON CANDIES."
SO PRESIDENT TRUMP, WHO IS NOW SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE WHO HAVE
GONE INTO SELF-QUARANTINE, STILL HASN'T BEEN TESTED FOR
CORONAVIRUS.
THAT MEANS WE'LL JUST HAVE TO KEEP OUR EYES OPEN FOR ANY SIGNS
OF SICKNESS, LIKE MENTAL FOGGINESS, OR POOR SLEEP,
THINNING HAIR, AND STRANGE COLORING.
NOT ONLY HAS TRUMP NOT BEEN TESTED.
HE SEEMS PROUD OF THE FACT THAT HE'S NOT TAKING ANY
PRECAUTIONS TO PROTECT THE PEOPLE AROUND HIM.
FOR INSTANCE, YESTERDAY, TRUMP ARRIVED IN FLORIDA AND
IMMEDIATELY BEGAN SHAKING HANDS WITH PEOPLE WAITING AT THE
AIRPORT.
YIKES!
THAT'S LIKE NOT USING PROTECTION WHEN HAVING SEX WITH A PORN STAR
YOU JUST MET AT A GOLF TOURNAMENT.
( LAUGHTER )
WHO?
WOULD?
♪ ♪ ♪ WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
CHARLES BARKLEY IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, JOE BIDEN GETS FEISTY.
STICK AROUND!