- [Amanda] When you're asked, "What's it like growing up?"
Is your immediate feeling one of warmth,
support, or wholesomeness,
or do you suddenly feel a little tense,
remembering consistent criticism, feeling shame,
or being a scapegoat for everything?
That parental relationship could be troubled and toxic,
which would leave you, even now, feeling confused,
maybe anxious or lost.
We get that entertainment sources out there
show nothing but the toxic-turned-gold story of parenting
and we are here to shed some truth on that.
Namely, that reality isn't like that
and you aren't obligated to believe the Hollywood fantasy.
Hopefully, these next bits of truth
will help all of you out there find some hope
or at least a starting point to healing.
Number one, accept that they won't change.
Quick, picture ideal parents in your mind.
We're willing to bet that details aside,
the ideal parent loves their children unconditionally,
meeting their child's needs
with all their actions firmly set to benefit the child.
Toxic parents don't do this.
They often don't even come close
to meeting the child's needs for love and support,
which has a lasting damaging impact.
Even the idea that parents would willingly do this
is abhorrent,
so we hold onto the belief
that once we become adults and succeed
or present evidence of what they've done,
those parents will be remorseful,
changing their whole mindset.
This expectation will provide nothing but disappointment.
In fact, you may have already tried and been let down.
So you thought, "Maybe next time if I do this one thing."
Stop.
It won't be the next time or the time after.
You know why?
Because it's not you that's the problem.
They won't change and that is neither your obligation
nor responsibility.
Those needs for love and affection
weren't met by your parents as a child
and they won't be as an adult.
So, let it go.
Yeah, sing it if you need to.
The good news is, though,
you don't need them to do it for you.
You can meet those needs yourself
from another source of your choice.
This will allow you
to have a different relationship with your parents
based on reality and not wishes.
Number two, you are the master of your own happiness.
Your parents do not decide your happiness.
They aren't the happy key,
whereby if only you have that secure relationship,
you'd be happy.
If you're banking on this,
you've given them all the power
and it doesn't belong to them, it's yours.
Yes, we naturally desire certain things.
However, we are the only ones who get to decide
if that is something that is a part of our happy.
Happiness is, and always will be an inside job.
Number three, acknowledge that you are not at fault
for your childhood pain.
Toxic parents manipulate
and a part of it is convincing the child
that all the abuse is their fault.
That's not true.
Perhaps they implied or outright said
that if you hadn't done this thing or acted that way,
they would never have gotten angry,
would never have been forced to abuse you.
They're leaving out that if it wasn't that thing,
it would've been something else.
The abuse is because of their defect, not yours.
Their inability to deal with their own shortcomings
is why they blamed you.
It wasn't your fault then and it isn't now.
Number four,
you are not irreparably broken.
When your past haunts you,
it's easy to slide into the belief
that the childhood wounds will never heal,
forever thwarting your ability
to have a healthy relationship.
All right, Morpheus time.
What if we told you that it's perfectly possible to heal?
The caveat is that,
well, it's gonna take effort on your part.
We understand it won't be easy.
However, the fact that you recognize the trauma
is affecting you
and your ability to form a healthy relationship
means you're already practicing self-awareness.
You see the issue and know it.
If you know what it is,
you can grab that little monster and deal with it,
like reach out to a professional for effective guidance.
For example, talk therapy helps you process your past
and increase your level of self-awareness.
And number five, forgiving them is not required
for healing to begin.
As much as we all make gripe about adulting,
there is one advantage.
You have the capacity and freedom to care for yourself.
Your nurture, comfort, and improvement
are no longer dependent upon your parents.
You are not required to forgive what they did.
You do need to acknowledge that it happened, though,
so you can squeeze the release clasp
stopping their garbage from dragging you down.
Having toxic parents may start in your childhood,
but you're not obligated to let it haunt
and guilt you for the rest of your life.
Grasp your identity.
Allow yourself to acknowledge your strength
to accept what happened and heal.
You are no longer a child
and they do not decide your future.
Did any of these tips surprise you?
Do you recognize any of this in others?
Please discuss, comment, and give us a like.
Catch you next time.