hey there everybody and welcome to this video on how to tell if
a relationship is toxic i'm your host dr dawn elise snipes
relationships should enhance each person not tear them down relationships can be toxic
for one or both people so one person in the relationship may not see any
problem with what's going on a lot of times because they are what we call the offender
but the other person is experiencing is very toxic other times you'll have both people who
are bringing out the worst in each other and it's toxic to both toxicity can be caused by a
person's behaviors in response to the other person so the way i respond to you or the way i treat you
can be toxic if that's the case it is important as long as it's safe it is important to address it
with the other person don't assume they recognize that what they're doing is hurtful or toxic or
problematic for you so it's important to effectively assertively communicate what your
perceptions are what your experiences are when they do things
and what your needs are if you need them to do something differently
a person's behaviors in response to what they assume the other person
is thinking or doing or going to do can also be toxic but when somebody acts like this it's based
on their current core beliefs and schema that are formed from past experiences so i may be
in a very healthy relationship objectively but because i've been in other unhealthy relationships
i'm constantly expecting this person to act the way the other person other people have done so i
treat them accordingly i can be passive aggressive i can be um anxious i can be clingy i can be
a lot of things whatever behaviors have i've used in the past in relationships so when we look at
toxic relationships we want to look at is the relationship toxic objectively is this particular
relationship toxic or is are one or both people in the relationship actually reacting based on
prior experiences and expectations as opposed to current facts and current behaviors
so what are some signs that a relationship is toxic well physically is stress causing you
physical distress are you having stomach aches
you know you know difficulty eating difficulty with appetite headaches difficulty sleeping
because of the stress in the relationships again each one of these i encourage you to ask yourself
is my stress caused by what is going on in this relationship at this point in time or is my stress
caused by what happened in prior relationships and i'm afraid it's going to happen again
really important difference do you feel physically drained after being around the person
sometimes other people can be exhausting because you're so afraid of setting them
off you're so if you're walking on eggshells and that can be draining you're so hyper vigilant
you're on edge you're looking around you're trying to figure out
what do i need to do to make this person happy to keep this person happy
again and and i'm going to say this so many times is this the result of this person do they tend to
fly off the handle get irritable rejecting storm out throw temper tantrums or did you learn to
behave that way in relationships so pretty much all your relationships are exhausting
does the other person violate your physical boundaries you know this is a pretty
clear-cut one if they are getting in your personal space and they are not respecting your physical
boundaries that's not okay and do they exhibit controlling behaviors they try to tell you where
to go who to be with what you're supposed to eat what you're supposed to think what you're
supposed to do if they are excessively controlling that tends to be very toxic
affectively what percentage of the time does the relationship bring you happiness if you're
stepping back and you're saying yeah i'm truly happy in this relationship about 15 percent of
the time well then it's probably toxic in one way or another now it could be that this particular
person is a bad fit for you or is toxic in some way or it could be that all your prior abandonment
experiences and relationship stuff is keeping you from being able to be present in this relationship
and creating toxic conditions where you might might actually be creating a self-fulfilling
prophecy in what ways has the relationship not your assumptions about the relationship
caused feelings of grief anger guilt resentment so look back over the relationship and find objective
examples of when this something has happened that that's caused you distress you know if
you're finding a lot of those examples in this relationship that the facts are bearing
out that this is a toxic relationship if the facts are bearing out that more often than not
you're unhappy then it's probably toxic cognitively if the other person engages
in gaslighting trying to convince you that what you think happened didn't really happen
and and trying to manipulate you then that is definitely very toxic if the other person
regularly invalidates your thoughts wants and needs that is very toxic in a relationship and
that's pr again that's another one of those things that's pretty objective they either
are um validating and supportive and empathetic or they're invalidating they're telling you
what you think is wrong what you feel is wrong what you want is wrong and
that's not okay having your feelings thoughts and needs
are yours and that's your boundary there they may not agree with them
but it doesn't mean it's wrong for you it's just not their perception and if your attitudes and
perceptions about other people and the world and yourself become increasingly
negative and pessimistic when you're in this relationship that's a good sign that it's toxic
in terms of the relationship itself if the other person is inconsistent in their ability to be
present and responsive you know you expect them to show up they don't show up you know it's kind
of hit or miss they'll ghost for a while then they'll show back up whenever they feel like it
or maybe they're there in in body but getting them to actually be responsive to your needs and
pay attention it's not happening that's toxic lack of positive attention is also toxic you
don't want to be in a relationship in which the only time somebody pays attention to you is when
you're in crisis you want to be in a relationship with someone who enjoys spending time with you
if the relationship is characterized by high criticism impossible to meet expectations or
talking to each other in condescending terms that is very toxic if you are the one doing the
criticism and changing the expectations and being condescending it may be a way that you're trying
to keep that person feeling like they need you and keep them from abandoning you but if you have that
fear of abandonment if you have a need to try to manipulate or convince the other person not
to leave then there's something else going on you don't feel secure in that relationship so there's
could be something toxic lack of encouragement in relationships we want to celebrate each other's
and and encourage one another to pursue our goals and dreams and if that doesn't happen
if you feel like you're being held back then that's potentially toxic if you feel a lot
of fear of abandonment whenever you're not together or maybe even when you are together
if you have a lot of jealousy or mistrust that is an indication that the relationship may be toxic
again looking at are these abandonment fears is this jealousy this uneasiness coming from prior
experiences and you're just expecting this person to abandon you or is this person actually doing
something that is triggering your abandonment fears maybe they're being super secretive on their
phone or they are ghosting or whatever the case may be if you find that your self-esteem has been
going down since you've been in the relationship or you start feeling unworthy of love or you
feel like you should be grateful that anybody would want to be in a relationship with you
that's definitely a sign that something toxic is going on and if that your self-esteem started to
decline once you got into the relationship it's a good sign that the relationship is probably toxic
some people have low self-esteem to begin with and that can cause them to have these feelings before
going into a relationship but if your self-esteem started to to take a nosedive once you were in
the relationship that's a clue if you communicate with each other using sarcasm passive aggression
assumptions or mind reading these are all horrible communication tools and indicate a sense of
anger threat anxiety i can't tell you exactly what i want need feel assertively uh
be for whatever reason so i need to be sarcastic or try to get it in their passive aggressively
if there's envy or jealousy or disrespect selfishness or an unbalanced
energy expenditure if you will in the relationship then that those are other signs that it may be
toxic there are going to be times when one person is in crisis and the other person has
to pick up the slack my husband just got over being sick and he was really really sick for
over a week and so i needed to pick up the slack last year i had surgery and i wasn't able to do
a lot of stuff and he picked up the slack so it's not always a 50-50 sometimes it's a 90-10
but then the pendulum swings back and when the other person is down you pick up the pace if that
doesn't happen if it's always 90 10 or even 70 30 you want to examine whether that is a
healthy place for you to be if you feel like you are getting what you need out of the relationship
if you bring out the worst in each other then it's a toxic relationship
ideally just like and i use this metaphor a lot just like chocolate chip cookies love chocolate
chip cookies but you take a sugar cookie and that is good all by itself thank you very much
you take chocolate and that is good all by itself thank you very much you put them together
they bring out the best in each other and that's really what you want in a relationship is to
bring out the best in one another and if you're feeling more like you're combining jalapenos with
a sugar cookie that's probably pretty gross you don't want to bring out the worst in each other
and you don't want to live your life constantly with somebody who brings out the worst in you
who's constantly trying your nerves and your patients and making you feel bad about yourself
or feel angry or insecure and finally if you find that you're losing friends
a lot of times friends will stick around for a little while when there's a toxic
relationship and they may say you know what what you're going through is really unhealthy
i really don't like what i'm seeing when the two of you are together maybe both of you
independently are wonderful human beings but when you get together it's like oil and water
they may give their advice they may give their input for a while but at a certain point they
may set some boundaries because they don't want to continue to enable the toxic relationship
most relationships go through rough patches not all relationships can or should be saved
to heal a toxic relationship both people need to commit to addressing the toxic behaviors