- Animals have it the worst.
They die terrible deaths.
I heard a story.
This kid, he had two goldfish.
So he grabbed one of them.
He squeezed it.
It exploded.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, it's pretty crazy.
I don't feel bad for that gold fish.
He died quickly.
I feel bad for the other goldfish
that just has to deal with that trauma now.
(audience laughing)
Do you know how insane that would be?
They're not gonna buy this kid another fish.
He's killing them.
Imagine if you're locked in a room with someone,
and they just exploded.
It would change your life forever.
You're like, "Can I get someone else to talk to you?"
They're like, "No."
You're like, "What?
"I just got to deal with this in my own head?
"This is the worst life ever."
I still like to eat animals too though.
That story doesn't have me not eat animals.
I like chicken a lot.
I'm a big fan of chicken.
It's weird now because I went to the store the other day
to buy some.
And when I was there, now they have two kinds of chicken
that you can buy.
They have a free-range chicken is one.
And then they have, I guess like a not free-range.
I think his parents were divorced or something.
(audience laughing)
I don't know.
They want you to eat the free-range chicken,
which is a chicken that is allowed to roam free.
Obviously not now, like he is dead at this store,
but they still have a list of his hobbies on the package,
which I thought, "Oh, that's pretty nice of them."
But I don't wanna eat that chicken.
I feel bad.
I don't need a chicken that had a dream.
And that was that chicken.
(audience laughing)
Life is great for that guy.
I just want a miserable, not free-range chicken.
I wanna eat a chicken that when they killed it,
he was like, "Look, I'm ready for this, all right?
"This is brutal."
(audience laughing and applauding)
"This is the worst."
When I was at the grocery store,
I got caught in this weird thing with his dude.
I was standing in line and I was behind this guy,
this white guy, and he pulled out the white race card.
Now, I don't know if y'all knew we had a card,
but he had one.
I'm standing behind him.
And I just hear him argue.
I hear him just go, "What is it? 'Cause I'm white?
"Is that why you're doing this?
"Because I'm white?"
And he looked at me like I'm his brother.
Like, "Hey, are you gonna get involved?
"You gonna come on?"
And I was like sitting there.
I was like, "No, I'm not getting involved in this.
"I'm not ready for something like this.
"I think you're the first guy ever to try this
"to be honest with you. (audience laughing)
"I'm not prepared at all.
"If you wanted me to help you,
"you should have pulled me aside earlier.
"You should have grabbed me like,
"look, I'm gonna make history today.
"You'll be a part of this or not?
(audience laughing)
"It's your call."
(audience applauding)
So I'm married.
We have a lot of married people here tonight?
(audience cheering) A few?
Some? That's fun.
It's fun.
I don't know.
I've been married four years now.
And it's getting pretty serious to tell you the truth.
(audience laughing)
A lot more serious than I thought.
I have other buddies that are getting married now.
So they always wanna come talk to me.
I always tell them, they're like, "What's it like?"
I'm like, "Here's what it is."
I'll just tell everybody.
Marriage is like, you ever go to a concert
and you see a mosh pit, and you're like, "You know what?
"I'm gonna go get in that mosh pit."
But then, once you get in it,
you're like, "I do not wanna be in this mosh pit at all.
(audience laughing)
"I am gonna leave and go get some beer."
Then the mosh pit's like, "Didn't you drink last night?"
"All right, mosh pit.
"Why don't you get off my back and let me live my life?"
(audience laughing)
My wife's good though.
She's put up through a ton with me.
I remember three months into our marriage,
one night I came home and I was really drunk.
I was hammered.
And I know she loves that.
(audience laughing)
I spoil her a little bit.
I'm a pretty decent guy.
We go to bed, and all right, I'll be honest with you,
I peed the bed.
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
I shouldn't have.
I was pretty good though.
I kind of blamed it on her.
(audience laughing)
I remember, I just woke up and I go, "Hey, what's wet?
"Did you pour a perfect circle of water underneath me?
"A flawless circle?"
She was like, "No, you peed the bed.
"What is wrong with you?"
"Did I marry you or did I have you?
"I have no idea at this point."
(audience laughing and applauding)