Dunkey, you're my biggest deputy, and I love you very much. From, Macaroni Man.
Portal 2 picks up right where ya left off in, uh, at the end of Half-Life 2 with the big explosion...
...There's Gary Coleman.
It's based on the popular Postal film by Uwe Boll, critically acclaimed-
DOGGY!
Uh haha! Hi, Doggy!
The dog's no match for the tazer.
If you want to defeat him you should use this..
OH THE DOG'S COMING BACK IN A BIG WAY!
He's uh, he's had enough of the tazer!
OK once you run out of tazer,
uh...you gotta light him on fire somehow
Just get outta here you FUCKING DOG
You are no match for this fire-
A shovel...PERFECT!
FUCK YOU, DOG!
So, you see I've defeated the dog,
but he's just my first opponent, on my way to-
Aw what the heck?!
You can- aw, you can pee wiener juice at people!
Aw, gross man. Ewgh!
She's peeing out...
my penis out of her mouth...with the orange...pee.
Aw, that's disgusting.
Ew, you vile bitch. Aw, you're nasty.
(Woman) "You motherfucker!"
Aw, I'm sorry...
Oh now she runs away.
Hollll-y shit! (laughing)
Hey baby lemme see that rack, huh?
Urgh, come here lemme see that rack.
LEMME SEE THAT RACK! Oh-
She fell asleep!
I'll wake her up with the yellow Gatorade.
This works.
(laughing and growling)
Ruuuuhhh!
(gasp) Oooh!
Hey- Hey where you going? LEMME SEE THAT RA-
Well isn't this guy the coolest man in the world.
Man they got all the latest games here they=
AW, THEY-
(Making funny voice) "Help me! I'm in the shark!"
"Haaaaaaah!"
(laughing)
"Aaaahhh I'm in the shark's mouth!"
"Haaaaahhh!" (more laughing)
Ooh this dude is zoning in on a game of Bastard Fish
and the gameplay from Bastard Fish looks an awful lot like um-
Coin Gobbler. I think they're ripping off this game.
Oh my goodness-
Ey babyyy!
Let's FUCK!
Hey, let's have SEX!
This is how you mate with a woman
that you have a love affair with.
And...she- she likes it I think.
Hey!
Come back here!
I still love you...!
This, uh, usually works in real life...
Oh my god that's DISGUSTING.
This is just appalling. You don't go THERE...
...you go THERE!
Oh my- who runs this?
This is a- this is a poor establishment.
This is a disgusting, just horrible estate, just
Lets get some on the ceiling, too, yeah. Just ruin this place-
It's like he knows my every move!
Hey! Oooh betcha didn't see this coming!
Boom!
Aw man how'd he see that coming?
Take one of these! Yaaaahhh!
Ooh baby you ever feel a three-inch DICK?
Oh shit. nononono-
(reading) Beware of rabid pitbull with AIDS.
They don't know.
This is just a tree.
(mumbling) This is- to a biologist...its just a tr-
OH SHIT! Oh shit-
No I've uh- uh- oh god oh god!
Oh god the streets are not safe!
I've unleashed Hell upon the universe!
Like, everybody watch out! This is a rabid pitbull!
With AIDS!
Watch out for the-
Get 'em cops, shoot this dog!
SHOOT THAT DOG!
SHOOT THAT DOG!!
Aw there goes his partner in crime!
He's escaping!
The death toll is just accumulating!
Hey BITCH! Lemme get that PUSSY!
Heheee, here we go...
aaaaaaand...
Yah! Got 'em!
Hey baby I was just looking at your boobies and I-
Oh, somebody shot her in the head!
I won't stand for this.
Hey! Stop shooting my woman in the head!
Hey don't worry baby, I took care of that guy.
So, you know, maybe me and you can have sex-fuck now, huh?
Hmm?!
HAVE SEX-FUCK WITH ME, HUH?!
HUH YOU BITCH-
You said "no guns" you filthy-
Oh my god, she's vomiting all over my dick.
I'll just tell my friends that I got some "head" if you see what I'm saying there.
Jacked In...Jack Off!
Hey! Jack me off!
(Woman) "Is this everything?"
(Player character) "Yes."
(Woman) "That'll be one hundred bucks."
A hundred bucks?!
Bitch...!
I can jack myself off for a hundred bucks!
You don't know how to work that shotgun, you dumb bimbo!
You work it like this! Boom! (laughing)
Hey buh-buh-buh-buh!
Heyyy buh-buh-buh!
Buh-buh-BUH!
(Postal Dude) "I know what you're thinking, but the funny thing is, I don't even like video games."
Oh well you should play Postal 2.
(humming)
(Woman) "Look out!"
Bitch...!
Oh- officer, there's nothing, nothing-
We're- we're all cool over here, police.
We're just...
(whispering) oh yeah, just gotta...just gotta get around this corner
you little BITCH! HUH?!
You don't backtalk me!
Alright, we're done here folks- ah, what?!
You saw nothing!
YOU SAW NOTHING!
Ooh mama cita I like-
(Woman) "One-side!"
Bitch!
(in a calm voice) Tiger going for the birdie on this.
Oh, he misses. He's in the rough.
He's gonna have to shoot for a bogey on this one.
And it appears Tiger has had enough of this bitches attitude.
YOU SAW NOTHING.
PIZZA PICNIC!
(Loud munching noises)
Hehe, watch this guys, I don't even work here.
(cackling)
Eat the grenade to replenish your health bar!
(explosion)
Look, baby! Donut!
Have sex with me. I got you nice donut!
mmmm...buh!
mmmm...ah!
WELL SHE'S A STUCK-UP BITCH.
That isn't how you spell "buy"!
You're an IDIOT, Gary Coleman!
(group chanting) Games are bad, they make you mad!
(singing along) They make you mad, yeah games are bad, uh
(Dunkey begins beatboxing) "Games are bad, they make you mad!"
I dunno what you guys are talking about.
Games do not make you violent, alright?
(Boss) "Nothing personal, man, but you're fired. (chuckles)"
(laughing) Nah, its cool, man.
I had a...You know it's just been nice working here with you guys, making this game.
And I hope we can work together in the future-
Ooooh, its the milk of legend!
By a goat!
You see, its like I always say, every milk has its day.
And I'm about to...I'm about to drink this milk.
Bitch, get out of here.
(Cashier) Money line forms THAT way, infidel!
That's a good joke!
(laughing)
He thinks I'm gonna wait in line,
when I have a perfectly good rocket launcher here.
Oh, Achmed. You- you have the best jokes.
You always were the, uh..
You always were the comedian on this I guess.
I'll see you later, thanks for the milk, buddy.
Um, you got a couple customers here in the hall-
Hey kids! You're parents are going to...
DIIIIIEEEE!!!
(heavy breathing)
I just gotta make a deposit on this.
Uh, can I make a deposit?
(commotion, complaining)
Oh, oh. Shit.
Shit, they don't let you cut in line here. You get in big trouble for that.
Damn, they just killed that guy.
That's police brutality!
Fuck you, police! I won't abide by this shit!
You can't just go around killing people!
Just for cutting in line, man that's some bull-
Uh, yes I would like to make a deposit.
Put that into my checking, please.
Man, police got me in some program, I gotta get signatures
so that the community knows that I'm a violent offender.
Can you sign my petition, sir?
Anyone?
Dude, these guys aren't helping.
(laughing) Fuck you guys-
Hey, man, don't laugh at that!
Have some respect for the dead, man, come on now.
Just- hehe...have-
Knock it off.
(Man begins laughing on every hit)
(Man) "Idiot!"
Hey, don't call me idiot!
(man continues laughing)
(Dunkey laughing)
Could you sign my petition?
(Officer) "Put your weapon down!"
Nah, it's a petition.
(Postal Dude) "Hi there, would you like to sign my petition?"
(Officer) "Drop it, asshole!"
He's conflicted.
(Man screaming) (Postal Dude) "Hi there, would you like to sign my petition?"
"Would you please sign my petition?"
"Hi there, would you like to sign my petition?"
Fuck you, then!
(Officer) "Drop the weapon or I'll shoot!"
"Would you please sign my petition?"
Ooh, they got Gary Coleman here today selling autographs!
Ooh, I'm gonna- aw, this is genius! I get him to sign my petition!
I've always been a-
Hey Gary!
Hey Gary I'm- OK, I'm a huge fan.
I love your work. I loved you in, uh, "Rush Hour".
(laughing)
(gasps) Oh my goodness. What is this?
There is a HUGE line. Gary, Gary don't worry.
I've got this under control. I have a rocket launcher, okay?
You guys get out of here, I have to talk-
I have to talk- I'm a huge fan.
Gary!
I LOVE YOU!
I LOVE YOU, GARY!
I LOVE YOU FROM SPONGEBOB!
SIGN MY SHIT-
If you could just make that out to "videogamedunkey".
That is my legal name.