-You both are New York City guys.
But very different parts of New York City.
-Very, very. [ Cheers and applause ]
Colin is from Staten Island, and I'm from the projects.
[ Laughter ]
So it's two different corners of the world.
-There were more whoos for the projects than for Staten Island,
I just want to point out. [ Laughter ]
-We, obviously, we share a history "SNL" now of
being "Weekend Update" anchors.
You guys -- now we share something else.
You guys were promoted
to co-head writers earlier this year.
Congratulations. -Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-How -- How have you found it so far?
-I mean, as you know,
you're basically doing the job already before you get the job.
-Right. They don't give it to you unless you can do it.
-Right, yeah.
-They're not like, "Here's some scripts. Just see what happens."
It's basically the same job you were already doing,
but you have maybe like 10 times the stress.
Like, way more anxiety,
but you can't do any more work than you're already doing.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
It's like planning someone else's wedding.
Constantly planning.
If you mess it up, they're very mad at you.
-You're planning Lorne's wedding every week.
-Well, I texted you congratulations,
and then you didn't write back,
and I saw you at a party and I said,
"Hey, is your phone number the same?"
You're, like, "I just didn't --
I don't even know how to feel about it yet."
[ Laughter ]
-Well, it's a tough situation now
because I got a lot of friends
that work in comedy and they're always, like, "Hey, man.
Could you help me get on 'SNL'"?
And I'm always like, "Yeah, I don't got no power there."
And now I'm head writer, I got to like tell them,
"Hey, it's because I don't believe in you.
[ Laughter and applause ]
"I'm not going help you for that reason only."
-One of the things you had to balance --
Sometimes it's just too late
when news breaks late on Saturday to write a sketch,
obviously, but on "Update"
you can get a joke in every now and then.
This Trump administration I feel like
already famous for late-breaking news.
Have you guys had to squeeze stuff into "Update"?
-Yeah, he keeps it exciting.
-Yeah, he's like -- It's like being on "Chopped."
You ever watch that show "Chopped"?
[ Laughter ]
Where it's just, like, a new ingredient for no reason?
You're like, "All right. Now I got to figure out how to --"
-How put sriracha on my pizza.
-Sriracha for the dessert round? Okay. I guess.
-Did you guys -- the Hawaii disaster --
I mean, not disaster, but of the fake missile or false --
-It's a disaster among husbands and wives
who thought it was happening said something horrible,
and they were, like, "Take me back?"
[ Laughter ]
It happened like right before --
-There was a lot of apology notes.
[ Laughter ]
-We were on -- It was then -- It happened like a couple of hours
before we were on,
and we were talking about doing like a fake emergency alert
on the show.
Like, missile headed to New York.
[ Laughter ]
And then we were, like,
"Well, I think that it's actually illegal,
because we're on --"
We're live, and it's the news
and we were like, "Maybe we shouldn't."
We realized we had more restraint
than the people running the actual agency.
Maybe this is crazy.
-Yeah, somebody just, like, pushed the button by accident.
Like, it should be way harder to do that, right?
[ Laughter ]
Shouldn't you have to, like,
two people turn a key at the same time before you --
-If you try to print something in Microsoft Word,
it's like, "Don't you want to spell-check it?
-Yeah. "Did you mean?" [ Laughter ]
-But now, I think that's a mistake is we --
now movies are ahead of real life,
that every movie everything had to be two keys,
and now we're like -- we are literally a finger, everywhere.
-It's like we don't watch these movies
that tell us about the future.
That's why -- it's like, I won't buy a sex robot for that reason,
because I know it's probably going to try to kill me.
[ Laughter ]
-That's the why. [ Laughter and applause ]
-Really thought it through. -Yeah.
-Really thought it through.
-This isn't on TV is it? [ Laughter ]
-Not all of it, obviously.
-We're gonna get one sent.
-Another -- last week --
-We get free stuff all the time if we just mention a product.
[ Laughter ]
And I've been trying to subtly just mention products
to get it sent to me for free,
so I'll let you know if I get a sex robot or not.
[ Laughter ]
-I feel like -- -We've been doing the worst ones
because I mentioned the Kia Sorento the other day,
so I'm like... [ Laughter ]
And then he mentioned Gas-X on the show,
and they immediately sent him a bunch of Gas-X.
So, it's like -- [ Laughter ]
-Yeah. I mentioned Lululemon in this sketch
where I played a liberal white woman.
-Yeah.
-And they sent me a bunch of Lululemon clothes,
and now I got to explain that to my family.
[ Laughter ]
-I want to talk -- you played Gretchen, a white liberal --
and how much makeup were you in to transform into a white woman?
-I tried to go as method as I could
with as much makeup as possible.
[ Laughter ] -Really unrecognizable.
I won't tell the people watching at home which one Che is,
but he's one of those -- one of those three white women.
When the Stormy Daniels story happened,
when that broke, the crazy thing was,
the last time Donald Trump was on the show,
he was in a sketch with Vanessa and Cecily,
who were playing porn stars.
-That's true.
-Did you guys -- Did that occur to you
as quickly as it occurred to me?
-Yes. About instantaneously.
-Because in the sketch, at the end of it,
he turns to Cecily,
and he says, "Didn't you used to be a brunette?"
And like, he's not going to ever say that, and then he said it.
[ Laughter ]
And literally right after it says it,
it cuts to "Donald Trump for President 2016."
It was insane.
-So you guys have a theory that
people are actually jealous of Trump,
which not a lot of people talk about.
-I like that you said it as though this is our known theory.
We have this theory.
-I wouldn't say jealous.
I just think they're waiting for the other shoe to drop
where he gets his comeuppance, but it just seems to keep
getting better and better for him.
And it's driving people nuts.
Like, you know, the medical report comes out about him,
like, he's 239 and he can live until he's 100 years old,
and you're, like, "How is that possible?!"
[ Laughter ]
-People are basically just really angry at him
that he has great genes. -Yeah.
-Like, he can just eat this --
McDonald's five times a day and he's fine.
-And he does. His parents lived to be very old.
-Yeah, he's definitely gonna be 90.
-90 at the minimum. -Yeah.
Well, I have a theory that we're gonna have tiny robots
inside us and we'll live until 250,
but that's not what this is about.
[ Laughter ]
We'll talk about that later.
-Somebody's gonna get some tiny robots sent to them.
[ Laughter ]
-Sent inside them?