WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT IS CLIMATE WEEK-- IT IS CLIMATE WEEK HERE IN NEW YORK.
IT'S ALL PART OF THE U.N.
GENERAL ASSEMBLY, OR "UNGA."
HUNDREDS OF WORLD LEADERS ARE MEETING WITH CLIMATE ACTIVISTS
TO ATTEMPT THE ONE THING TO FIGHT CLIMATE CHANGE THAT NO
INDUSTRIALIZED NATION HAS DONE BEFORE: ANYTHING.
AND THIS WEEK, EIGHT LATE SHOWS, INCLUDING THIS ONE,
ARE DOING CLIMATE-THEMED NIGHTS.
CRISIS SOLVED.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Jon: IT'S CONDITION, IT'S DONE!
>> Stephen: CRISIS SOLVED, JUST AS SURELY
AS WHEN ALL THOSE CELEBRITIES SANG "IMAGINE" AND ENDED COVID.
AND WE DON'T HAVE A MINUTE TO WASTE, BECAUSE CLIMATE CHANGE IS
HERE, AND IT'S BAD, Y'ALL.
THIS YEAR ALONE, WE SAW FIRES OUT WEST, FLOODING IN EUROPE AND
CHINA, AND MULTIPLE HURRICANES THAT FLOODED THE NEW YORK CITY
SUBWAY SYSTEM.
( TRAIN CONDUCTOR )
CLEAR OF THE CLOSING DOORS AND THE APOCALYPTIC UNDERGROUND
TIDAL WAVE.
THIS TRAIN WILL BE SKIPPING 23rd STREET BECAUSE UH...
IT JUST SAYS HERE "FIRE BEES."
STAND CLEAR OF THE CLOSING DOORS, PLEASE."
AND IT'S NOT JUST--
THEY UNDERSTAND.
THEY'VE BEEN THERE.
IT'S NOT JUST THE SUBWAYS.
CHECK OUT THIS HEADLINE: "CLIMATE CHANGE IS PUTTING MORE
POOP IN NEW YORK'S WATER."
( BLEEP ) JUST GOT REAL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT SOUND YOU'RE HEARING IS MILLIONS OF NEW YORKERS CHANGING
THEIR BRITA FILTERS.
( LAUGHTER )
THE NEW U.N. CLIMATE REPORT WARNS THAT IF INDUSTRIALIZED
COUNTRIES DON'T CHANGE THEIR BEHAVIOR SOON, THE WORLD COULD
BE ON A "CATASTROPHIC PATHWAY."
OR, AS ONE U.N. CLIMATE SCIENTIST DESCRIBED IT:
♪ HIGHWAY TO THE DANGER ZONE ♪ >> Stephen: EVEN WITH THINGS
THIS TRANSPARENTLY DISASTROUS, ALMOST EVERY COUNTRY ON THE
PLANET IS NOT LIVING UP TO THEIR OBLIGATIONS UNDER THE PARIS
CLIMATE AGREEMENT.
IN FACT, ONLY ONE COUNTRY IN THE WORLD HAS SUBMITTED PLANS THAT
WILL MITIGATE CLIMATE CHANGE BY 2030.
THE GAMBIA.
OH, POOR THE GAMBIA.
THEY'RE THE ONE KID IN CLASS WHO DID THEIR WORK FOR THE GROUP
PROJECT, AND THE REST OF US WON'T EVEN SPRING FOR
POSTERBOARD.
( LAUGHTER )
SOMETHING ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE: THEY'RE WORRYING.
ESPECIALLY YOUNG PEOPLE.
A RECENT STUDY ASKED YOUTHS 16-25 FROM AROUND THE WORLD HOW
THEY FELT ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE, AND 56% AGREED WITH THE
VIEWPOINT THAT HUMANITY IS DOOMED.
NICE TRY, KIDS, BUT YOU'RE NOT GETTING OUT OF YOUR STUDENT
LOANS.
( LAUGHTER )
THAT THREE-QUARTERS OF THOSE YOUNG PEOPLE FEEL THAT THE
"FUTURE IS FRIGHTENING."
AND IT WAS PREDICTED IN THIS FAMOUS SCENE:
>> HEY, DOC, YOU BETTER BACK UP.
WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH ROAD TO GET UP TO 88.
>> ROADS?
WHERE WE'RE GOING, EVERYONE'S DEAD, AND ROADS ARE MADE OF
THEIR FLAMING BONES!
( LAUGHTER )
EVERYONE'S WORRIED ABOUT CLIMATE DISASTER.
SOME PEOPLE DON'T CARE AT ALL.
ONE RECENT SURVEY FOUND THAT MOST AMERICANS DO NOT BELIEVE
THEY WILL BE PERSONALLY AFFECTED BY GLOBAL WARMING.
AMERICANS TREAT CLIMATE SCIENCE LIKE SOCCER: WE KNOW IT'S OUT
THERE, AND IT REALLY MATTERS TO THE REST OF WORLD, BUT NO ONE
CAN MAKE US CARE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, TAKE A LOOK-- TED LASSO.
MAYBE TED LASSO COULD.
TED LASSO IS TRYING.
LOOK NO FURTHER THAN U.S.
CONGRESS, WHERE 25% OF THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES AND 30% OF
THE SENATE REFUSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE HUMAN-CAUSED CLIMATE CHANGE.
I'M SURPRISED-- ( BOOING )
YOU WERE A LITTLE LATE WITH THAT.
I'M SURPRISED SO FEW SENATORS BELIEVE IT.
I MEAN, CHUCK GRASSLEY MUST BE SHOCKED BY ALL THE CHANGES TO
THE EARTH HE'S SEEN SINCE HIS CHILDHOOD IN PANGEA.
( LAUGHTER )
SENIOR MOMENTS COULD BE BEHIND OUR SLOW REACTION TO CLIMATE
CHANGE.
THE AVERAGE AGE OF U.S. SENATORS IS 64.3 YEARS, THE OLDEST IN
U.S. HISTORY.
AND A RECENT STUDY FOUND AMONG AMERICANS OVER 65, ONLY ABOUT
HALF ARE VERY OR SOMEWHAT CONCERNED ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE.
THEY'RE MUCH MORE CONCERNED ABOUT GETTING TO DINNER.
IT'S ALREADY 4:15!
WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR.
( LAUGHTER )
ANYTHING DONE ON CLIMATE, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO CONVINCE OLDER
AMERICANS TO CARE ABOUT IT.
AND WHAT BETTER PLACE TO DO THAT THAN CBS?
SO, CBS VIEWERS, JOIN ME AT "YE OLDEN CAM."
HELLO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TO YOU BY LANDLINES.
LANDLINES: WOULD IT KILL YOU TO CALL THEM?
NOW, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING: "WHY SHOULD I WORRY
ABOUT THE EARTH GETTING HOTTER?
IT'S SO DRAFTY IN HERE."
BUT TRUST ME, IT'S ABOUT TO GET HOTTER THAN ANGIE DICKINSON IN
"POLICE WOMAN," AND WE'RE NOT PREPARED.
SO ROLL UP YOUR SLEEVES, AND THEN ROLL THEM DOWN AGAIN
BECAUSE YOUR FAMILY IS UNCOMFORTABLE WITH YOUR
PAPER-THIN SKIN AND WEIRD BRUISES.
THEN GET TO WORK PRESERVING THE PLANET FOR YOUR GRANDCHILDREN.
IT WILL HELP YOU RELATE TO THEM.
THEY CARE ABOUT THIS EARTH STUFF-- EVEN THE GRANDCHILD WITH
THE GREEN HAIR AND THE JEANS SHE RIPPED ON PURPOSE!
YOU DO THIS FOR HER, WHO KNOWS, SHE MIGHT READ THAT YAHOO! NEWS
ARTICLE YOU PRINTED OUT AND MAILED TO HER.
OKAY, GOTTA GET BACK TO THE SHOW.
SHAWN MON-- SHAWN MENDES IS HERE.
HIS NAME IS SHAWN MENDES.
BUT YOU'RE OLD.
YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.
( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
GOT THROUGH IT IS WHAT I DID.
>> Jon: RIGHT ON IN THERE.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE, IT'S NOT ALL BAD NEWS.
THERE IS ALSO TERRIBLE NEWS.
SCIENTISTS SAY THAT AS CLIMATE CHANGE SENDS
TEMPERATURES SOARING AND DROUGHTS INTENSIFY, MAJOR CROPS
ARE LIKELY TO SEE BIG YIELD DECLINES, INCLUDING DURUM WHEAT,
THE MAIN INGREDIENT IN MOST MAINSTREAM PASTA PRODUCTS.
NO, DO NOT COME FOR OUR BELOVED P'SKETTI!
WHAT GOOD IS BOILING OCEANS IF YOU CAN'T THROW SOME NOODLES IN
THERE FOR DINNER?
THE WATER IS ALREADY PRE-SALTED, AND IF YOU GET THE TIDES RIGHT,
YOU CAN PULL OUT A FULL BUCKET OF LINGUINE WITH CLAM SAUCE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW-- ♪ ♪ ♪
MMM.
SPEAKING OF THINGS TO EAT: MEAT!
THIS SEGMENT BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE NATIONAL MEAT COUNCIL:
"MEAT: IT TASTES SO GOOD, YOU'LL NEVER PICTURE THE ANIMAL'S
FACE."
BUT HUMANS AREN'T THE ONLY ANIMALS THAT EAT MEAT.
SO DO HUMANS' ANIMALS.
OUR DOGS AND CATS EAT A TON OF MEAT EVERY YEAR.
IN FACT, IF AMERICAN PETS MADE UP THEIR OWN COUNTRY, THEY'D
EAT THE FIFTH-MOST MEAT GLOBALLY.
WOW!
ALSO, AN ALL-PET COUNTRY?
I WOULD LIKE TO LIVE THERE, PLEASE!
( LAUGHTER )
RIGOROUS IMMIGRATION PROCESS-- LETTING THEM SNIFF MY BUTT AND
THEN CUDDLING.
BUT MEAT PRODUCTION CAUSES A LOT OF GREENHOUSE GASSES, AND IN A
RECENT SURVEY, OVER HALF OF AMERICAN PET OWNERS SAID THAT
THEY WANT SUSTAINABLE ALTERNATIVE PROTEIN INGREDIENTS
IN PET FOOD.
I'M DOING MY PART.
I HAVE A DOG, BENNY, AND HALF HIS DIET IS APPARENTLY LOCALLY
SOURCED, SUSTAINABLE COUCH CUSHIONS.
BENNY, IF YOU'RE WATCHING THIS, "LEAVE IT!"
"LEAVE IT!" BUT IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A
NON-UPHOLSTERED WAY TO GET PROTEIN INTO YOUR PET'S FOOD,
SCIENTISTS SUGGEST AN INSECT-BASED DIET.
I HAVE MY DOUBTS.
ANIMALS FAMOUSLY ONLY EAT NON-GROSS THINGS, LIKE USED
UNDERWEAR AND THEIR OWN VOMIT.
BUT IT TURNS OUT PETS LOVE THE BUGGIES, AND THERE ARE NOW
INSECT-ONLY PET FOOD COMPANIES, LIKE JIMINY'S CRICKET CRAVE.
( LAUGHTER )
THAT TITLE RIGHT, JIMINY CRICKET IS SELLING FOOD MADE OF OTHER
THAT'S LIKE JEFFREY DAHMER MARKETING HIS "FILET OF PHIL"
SANDWICH.
>> Audience: OH!
>> Stephen: YOU'RE WELCOME!
YOU'RE WELCOME!
THERE'S SOME GOOD NEWS ON THE TECHNOLOGICAL FRONT.
IN AN ATTEMPT TO MITIGATE SOLAR RADIATION, SCIENTISTS HAVE
NOW CREATED THE WORLD'S WHITEST PAINT.
THIS PAINT IS SO WHITE, IT HAS A FAVORITE JIMMY BUFFET SONG.
( LAUGHTER )
WHITE, IT DRIVES ITS MINI COOPER TO AN ED SHEERAN CONCERT.
THIS PAINT IS SO WHITE.
>> Audience: HOW WHIEPT IS IT?
>> Stephen: IT JUST CALLED THE COPS ON ALL THE OTHER PAINT.
THIS PAINT IS SO WHITE, THOSE COPS CALLED IT "SIR."
THIS PAINT IS SO WHITE.
>> Audience: HOW WHILE THE IS IT?
>> Stephen: IT HAS A DAUGHTER NAMED HAILEY.
>> Stephen: THIS PAINT IS SO WHITE.
>> Audience: HOW WHITE IS IT.
>> Stephen: IT'S WATCHING THIS SHOW RIGHT NOW.
THANKS FOR COMING OUT TO THE CHUCKLE HUT
TRY THE SHRIMP NACHO SPECIAL IT'S BEGINNING TO TURN.
THERE YOU GO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
APPARENTLY-- APPARENTLY-- BACK TO OUR STORY.
APPARENTLY, THIS SUPER-WHITE PAINT REFLECTS 98.1% OF SOLAR
RADIATION WHILE ALSO EMITTING INFRARED HEAT, SO A SURFACE
COATED WITH THIS PAINT IS COOLED DOWN TO BELOW THE SURROUNDING
TEMPERATURE.
THAT MEANS THAT THIS PAINT COULD ELIMINATE THE NEED FOR AIR
CONDITIONING.
OKAY, I WANT TO FIGHT GLOBAL WARMING BUT THAT'S GOING TOO
FAR.O I WILL NOT, NOT, GIVE UP MY AIR
CONDITIONING.
I NEED THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER COLD ENOUGH TO STORE ORGAN
TRANSPLANTS IN HERE.
BESIDES, THE AUDIENCE IS PERFECTLY COMFORTABLE.
JUST ASK THIS GUY.
( LAUGHTER )
TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS SINGER/SONGWRITER SHAWN MENDES.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL TALK TO THE BIGGEST GUEST IN THE
WORLD: THE WORLD!