WELCOME, WELCOME, IN HERE, OUT
THERE, WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. TONIGHT I COME TO YOU TONIGHT
WITH A SPRING IN MY STEP, A SONG IN MY HEART, EMOTIONALLY AND
SPIRITUALLY REFRESHED. BECAUSE YOU KNOW HOW AS HUMANS,
HAVE TO ACCEPT THE FACT THAT SOMETIMES BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO
GOOD PEOPLE? WELL, BY THE GRACE OF GOD,
SOMETIMES BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO ALEX JONES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
DOWN-- THANKS TO A RULING BY A CONNECTICUT JURY, ALEX
JONES HAS BEEN ORDERED TO PAY SANDY HOOK VICTIMS' FAMILIES
NEARLY $1 BILLION.
THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY! YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT!
BILLION WITH A CAPITAL "BYEEE." AND THAT'S IT.
THAT'S THAT STORY. A LOT OF OTHER STORIES TO TALK
ABOUT TONIGHT, BUT I'D BE JUST AS HAPPY TO STAND HERE AND GRIN.
SHOULD I DO THE MONOLOGUE? LET'S DO THE MONOLOGUE?
FINE, FINE, LET'S MOVE ON. I FEEL LIKE I'M PEAKING, BUT
WE'LL GO ON. THE BIG STORY TONIGHT IS
WHATEVER HAPPENS TOMORROW, BECAUSE THE JANUARY 6th
COMMITTEE WILL HOLD WHAT'S BEING CALLED THE PROBABLY FINAL PUBLIC
HEARING.
IF TOMORROW IS THE FINALE, I HOPE IT ENDS LIKE "SEINFELD":
WITH ALL THE MAIN CHARACTERS IN JAIL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ABOUT NOTHING!"
VERY MUCH. FOR NOW, DEMOCRACY IS STILL
ALIVE AND WELL IN AMERICA. FOR BEARS.
AS I INFORMED YOU YESTERDAY, LAST NIGHT WAS THE FINAL VOTE OF
FAT BEAR WEEK 2022. THE CONTEST PITTED PLUCKY TUBBY
CUBBY 901 AGAINST THE FAVORITE, 747, NICKNAMED COLBERT--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
STEPHEN COLBERT. YES, CHECK IT OUT.
CHECK MY DEFORMITY OUT. I'M THE MOST FAMOUS PERSON WITH
AN EAR IMPERFECTION. TAKE THAT, VINCENT VAN GOGH!
YOU BIG CRY BABY. THE RESULTS ARE IN.
PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN ABOUT BEARS. AND THE 747 IS AMERICA'S FAT
BEER. THERE ARE LESS-IMPORTANT RACES
OUT THERE, LIKE THE RACE FOR GEORGIA'S
SENATE SEAT FEATURING REPUBLICAN
NOMINEE AND MAN SAYING, "THE BABY'S FATHER IS MOI?"
HERSCHEL WALKER. WALKER'S BEEN IN HOT WATER EVER
SINCE WE LEARNED THAT, DESPITE HIS HARD-LINE, NO-EXCEPTIONS,
ABORTION-IS-MURDER POLITICAL POSITION, IN 2009 HE URGED HIS
GIRLFRIEND TO GET AN ABORTION AND PAID FOR IT.
EVENTUALLY. BECAUSE YESTERDAY, WE LEARNED
THAT THE WOMAN HAD TO REPEATEDLY PRESS WALKER FOR FUNDS TO PAY
FOR IT. AH, SO HE'S COOL WITH ABORTION
AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T COST HIM. SO HE'S SOCIALLY LIBERAL,
FISCALLY CONSERVATIVE, COMPLETE A-HOLE.
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SECRET CHILDREN WITH MULTIPLE SECRET LOVERS, YESTERDAY, WALKER
HELD A RALLY AND TOLD THIS TOTALLY UNRELATED STORY:
>> SO I'VE BEEN TELLING THIS LITTLE STORY ABOUT THIS BULL OUT
IN THE FIELD WITH SIX COWS, AND THREE OF THEM ARE PREGNANT, SO
YOU KNOW HE GOT SOMETHING GOING ON.
>> Stephen: YEAH, HE'S GETTING DATING ADVICE FROM HERSCHEL
WALKER.
>> BUT ALL HE CARED ABOUT IS KEPT HIS NOSE AGAINST THIS
FENCE, LOOKING AT THREE OTHER COWS THAT DIDN'T BELONG TO HIM.
NOW ALL HE HAD TO DO IS EAT GRASS, BUT NO, NO, NO, HE
THOUGHT SOMETHING WAS BETTER SOMEWHERE ELSE.
SO HE DECIDED "I WANT TO GET OVER THERE."
SO ONE DAY, HE MEASURED THAT FENCE UP, AND HE SAID, "I THINK
I CAN JUMP THIS." SO THAT DAY CAME WHERE HE GOT
BACK, AND HE GOT BACK, AND AS HE TOOK OFF RUNNING, HE DOVE OVER
THAT FENCE AND HIS BELLY GOT CUT UP ON THE BOTTOM.
BUT AS HE MADE IT OVER ON THE OTHER SIDE, HE SHOOK IT OFF AND
GOT SO EXCITED ABOUT IT. AND HE RAN TO THE TOP OF THAT
HILL, BUT WHEN HE GOT UP THERE, HE REALIZED THEY WERE BULLS TOO.
( LAUGHTER )
THAT STORY IS "DON'T LET HERSCHEL WALKER NEAR A
MICROPHONE."
( CHEERING )
"THE VERY HORNY CATERPILLAR."
BIDEN.
GIVE THEM HELL, JOE. GETTING A LOT DONE.
BIDEN'S ALSO BEEN BUSY LATELY. LAST NIGHT, HE SAT DOWN FOR AN
INTERVIEW WITH LAST REMAINING CNN EMPLOYEE, JAKE TAPPER.
IT WAS REALLY GOOD TO HEAR FROM JOE, CONSIDERING THAT LAST WEEK
AT A FUNDRAISER, HE CASUALLY WARNED THAT THE WORLD IS AT RISK
OF NUCLEAR ARMAGEDDON. WHICH, EXPERTS AGREE, IS ONE OF
THE WORST KINDS OF ARMAGEDDON. THANKFULLY, BIDEN DOESN'T
BELIEVE PUTIN IS INSANE ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY USE NUKES, JUST
THAT HE'S MADE A BUNCH OF MISTAKES THAT PUT HIM IN A
DESPERATE SITUATION. >> CONDI RICE AND BOB GATES AND
JAMES CLAPPER HAVE USED WORDS LIKE "ERRATIC" AND "UNHINGED"
TO DESCRIBE PUTIN'S BEHAVIOR TODAY.
DO YOU THINK PUTIN IS A RATIONAL ACTOR?
>> I THINK HE IS A RATIONAL ACTOR WHOS MISCALCULATED
SIGNIFICANTLY. >> Stephen: OKAY, "RATIONAL
ACTOR WHO'S MISCALCULATED SIGNIFICANTLY."
SO... JARED LETO IN "HOUSE OF
GUCCI"? >> WHY?
WHY? WHY DID YOU DO IT?
>> Stephen: BUT THINGS GOT REALLY SPICY WHEN JAKE BROUGHT
UP BIDEN'S AGE. >> WHAT'S YOUR MESSAGE TO
DEMOCRATS WHO LIKE YOU, WHO LIKE WHAT YOU'VE DONE, BUT ARE
CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR AGE AND THE DEMANDS OF THE JOB?
>> WELL, THEY'RE CONCERNED ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT I CAN GET
ANYTHING DONE. LOOK WHAT I'VE GOTTEN DONE.
THEY'VE BEEN SAYING THIS ABOUT MY AGE SINCE I BEGAN TO RUN.
AND SO, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN COME WORK OUT WITH ME IN THE MORNING.
( AS BIDEN )
I MEAN--
I'LL TELL YOU, LOOK, LOOK, DO YOU EVEN LIFT, BRO-HAM?
MEET AT OH-400 TO TOSS THE MEDICINE BALL AROUND.
THEN WATCH ME PULL A FISHING BOAT DOWN THE POTOMAC WITH JUST
MY CHOMPERS. THEN I'LL PUNCH A STEAK 'TIL
IT'S TARTAR, PEEL OFF MY SINGLET, AND JUMP INTO THE ICE
BARREL. IT'S A WORKOUT ROUTINE I CALL
'P--I'M ALMOST 90--X'! C'MON, JAKE-JACK!'"
COME ON!
NO MATTER HOW STRESSFUL LIFE IS, YOU CAN ALWAYS TAKE COMFORT IN
THE FACT THAT YOU'RE NOT FACEBOOK FOUNDER AND PROOF THAT
MONEY CAN'T BUY YOU HAIRCUT, MARK ZUCKERBERG.
ZUCK'S BEEN HAVING A ROUGH GO OF IT.
FIRST, HE RENAMED FACEBOOK META, AS IN, HE NEVER MET-A DEMOCRACY
HE COULDN'T DESTROY. AND OVER THE PAST YEAR, HIS
COMPANY'S STOCK PRICE HAS TUMBLED NEARLY 60%.
MARK, I SAY THIS FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART.
HA! HA-HA!
ONE REASON META IS LOSING VALUE IS BECAUSE THEY ARE BAD AT THE
THINGS THAT THEY DO. MAINLY, THE SIMULATED ONLINE
REALITY CALLED THE METAVERSE, WHERE ZUCKERBERG ENVISIONS
BILLIONS OF PEOPLE INHABITING IMMERSIVE DIGITAL ENVIRONMENTS
FOR HOURS ON END, WORKING, SOCIALIZING, AND PLAYING GAMES.
AND YOU KNOW HOW YOU DON'T WANT TO DO ANY OF THE THINGS I JUST
DESCRIBED TO YOU? ZUCKERBERG THINKS YOU DO,
BECAUSE HIS HEAD IS UP AN IMMERSIVE EXPERIENCE CALLED
"HIS BUTT."
IN FACT-- IT'S VERY HARD-- IT IS VERY HARD TO DO THAT WITH THE
GOGGLES ON. IN FACT, MARK HAS THROWN A
ZUCKLOAD OF CASH AT THIS IDEA. BUT EVEN HIS OWN EMPLOYEES DON'T
UNDERSTAND WHY. A RECENT INTERNAL POLL FOUND
THAT OUT OF 1,000 META EMPLOYEES POLLED, ONLY 58% SAID
THEY UNDERSTOOD THE METAVERSE STRATEGY.
AND WHEN ZUCKERBERG URGED META TO HAVE VIRTUAL MEETINGS, MANY
META EMPLOYEES DIDN'T HAVE V.R. HEADSETS OR HADN'T GOTTEN AROUND
TO SETTING THEM UP. V.R. IS NOW THEIR WHOLE THING!
IT'S LIKE IF ARBY'S SLOGAN WAS "WAIT, I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE
MEATS?" ONE OF THE BIGGEST PROBLEMS IN
THE METAVERSE IS THAT IT LOOKS LIKE META DOO-DOO.
CHECK IT OUT: IT'S LIKE A YOUTUBE-ONLY KIDS
CARTOON MADE IN DENMARK TO TEACH SONGS ABOUT RECYCLING.
( LAUGHTER )
CUTTING EDGE SOLUTION TO ALL THEIR PROBLEMS, AND THEY TWEETED
IT OUT YESTERDAY: "LEGS." OKAY.
IN RESPONSE, FINGER.
WHY?
( LAUGHTER )
TO KEY METAVERSE PROJECTS AS M.M.H., AN ACRONYM FOR MAKE MARK
HAPPY. AND AT HIS LATEST TOWN HALL, HE
EMBRACED IT. AND "THE LATE SHOW" HAS ACQUIRED
AN EXCLUSIVE CLIP. JIM?
>> HEY, WE'RE HERE TOGETHER IN THE ALL-NEW METAM.M.H., A
VIRTUAL REALITY SPACE MY COMPANY HAS BUILT TO KEEP ME HAPPY AND
OUT OF THEIR REALITY. CLAP IF YOU LOVE ME.
( APPLAUSE ).
THIS IS MY EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT CHRISTINE.
WHAT POSITIVE BUSINESS NEWS DO YOU HAVE TO REPORT?
>> WE ALL BELIEVE IN THE DIRECTION YOU'RE TAKING THIS
COMPANY. >> GOOD.
>> AND WE WERE TALKING ABOUT HOW MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, WE COULD REIN
IN SOME OF THE METAVERSE SPENDING SEEING AS OUR STOCKS
FELL 60%. >> THAT DOESN'T END ME VERY H.
YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN M. IS UN-H.
>> PLEASE DON'T.
CRITICISM, QUOTING TORSO? >> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT
SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT! MY GUESTS ARE GEORGE
STEPHANOPOULOS AND MARCIA GAY HARDEN.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
JOIN US. ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )