Right now men in Japan are helping with the kids but...
one generation before that, mum had to do it all.
Hey "husbandos" and "waifus" to be, we met two
Japanese ladies who are married in Japan for several years and asked them
the truth about Japanese marriage. So what is it really like
to be married here in Japan, let's go and find out.... If you are interested
in Japanese culture, subscribe now, push that button hard for more stuff
from Japan and if you have already been with us, don't forget to click on the notification symbol
so you don't miss any videos from Japan.
So what is a marriage in Japan really like? Let's go and ask Japanese wives.
From your perspective as Japanese wife...
what do you have to do in a Japanese marriage?
Things we do? You don't mind the housework but the heart?
I mean both really. - Family always goes first.
The kids and the husband go first. After that you have your own life,
hobbies and work. You always come second.
I think that's how it is.
The mother protects the house? - Yes, depending on the family.
Childcare is a sole mother's duty. Nowadays,...
men are helping with childcare but our earlier generation...
the mothers had to do everything regarding the kids. The fathers go to work
to come and bring in the money. That's why we teach the kids that their dad
is the most important person. Everything regarding the children's school and manners,
all of that is done by the Japanese women until nowadays.
So very domestic. - Yes very traditional.
But nowadays things have changed a lot
but the Japanese norm is that a women takes care of the house.
Men go outside to work. That's a straight base line.
This is now changing due to the recent circumstances of Japan
This is a good time for change. - You said...
that your husband is as conservative as a samurai? - We don't have kids but...
even if its just the two of us. He never complains but also
he doesn't move a finger in the house. I do everything.
But since he never complains, I don't get much stress.
There are families where the dad helps but...
our house is like our house is.
So he never complains about the food? - We have the same tastes.
If I cook the same things he likes, he is satisfied.
What's good and bad in a Japanese marriage?
What's good in a Japanese marriage? I don't know about
foreign marriages. This was always the norm for me.
So it's hard to say.... I got it.
Japan is a small country. So no matter where you marry, you can get there
by plane. Abroad, sometimes people travel several hours by plane
That must be tough.
In America, some people travel a long distance to see their families.
Yes, so even though you married in the same country, meeting the family of the partner
must be really tough. Japanese can marry other Japanese...
and reach each other quickly by plane. That's a plus.
Going home to see the family is easy. - It is!
Even if you live the furthest apart in Japan, you can meet
within the span of a few hours.
Meeting up is easy. - Japanese are Japanese...
Japanese tend to put other's needs first.
We are not too selfish. I prefer that.
We think of the other's needs in Japan.
Everyone has their preferences but...
I think that works well in a marriage. It's manners for strangers too...
but also for people you are close to for centuries.
In the old days a woman would step back and make the man their priority
That was the environment I was raised in. I admired that.
I hope I am doing it right.
Japanese are very modest and keep their emotions
closed at first. We think of the other person and select our words.
We live like that. That's our way of life, even with friends.
We don't say what's really on our mind. We swallow our feelings and think first.
There are good and bad points to it. This is where foreigners struggle with Japanese people.
But I learned to think in my years of marriage "I might think that way, but my partner might ...."
"see it differently." We think of the other's feelings first.
We try to adjust ourselves for the other person.
We put the other one first. We are modest. -Instead of selfishness...
you first think of the other. - First swallow your feelings.
Then compare and compromise, so you can live together.
I think that's the same for married people, friends or classmates.
Japanese people treat everyone like that. Foreigners might have trouble
reading what Japanese people really want. - True.
I have heard that from other foreign friends before. - In reality I might want to eat this food
but the other person might want to eat is, so you offer it to them.
We give it up for them. - That's so kind.
I understand that the other person REALLY wants to eat it though, so I decline for them.
Foreigners might think we are too modest and get agitated.
And won't know what to do. - True.
First comes the other person, you swallow your thoughts,
and then you offer it to the other. The other will sense this and offer it back to you.
That's it. We expect the other one to know what we are thinking, without saying it.
If our thoughts match, we become close. We understand each other without talking.
That will make us get closer to each other.
Foreigners might struggle with that part of Japanese culture.
That's what I assume.
Wow this is really helpful. What's tough in a Japanese marriage?
It's connected. We don't always say things.
Sometimes we don't know what the other is thinking.
But he might expect you to have read his thoughts.
This custom has its good and bad sides. It comes up in martial fights a lot.
It's small things like "I didn't mean that" or "I didn't hear you say that."
These fights happen a lot. I think that's the downside to it.
I think a Japanese marriage has those difficult nuances.
... - You don't say things
and do things thinking of the other person... but they might think they said it.
or expect you to know even without telling. - YES! "You should have known without me telling you" is often said
But things often need to be said. Those fights happen a lot in Japanese marriages.
But also in other areas in our lives.
We Japanese don't have a culture in which we tell people directly, like foreigners do.
We need to realize that we can be more open with foreigners, maybe hug them
and learn that that is fun. That way,
the old modest traditions can be protected but we can open ourselves
and improve the communication between Japanese people too
It would be great if we created chances to interact with foreigners more
Meeting more foreigners is a good thing
I would like to meet foreigners for tea too.
Thank you for summarizing it up perfectly. Thank you for the interview.
Thank you! - You taught me so much.
So you can tell that both ladies came from rather traditional families and the old
Japanese styles where the women were there to take completely care of the household
kids and everything of the family. So they were the one who protect the family.
So women are not only responsible of the household but also the whole as such
so for example not only giving birth, the whole of childcare including
educations. If kids don't get good grades, sometimes Japanese men can get angry at their wives
because the wives didn't do the right work in ensuring that the kids got the right education for example.
However the reason why these two wives were such a great example is cause you could see
that they come from very different households already. While the wife on the left, the husband sometimes
helps her with the housework and says "Have fun, you're allowed to go out!"
the one on the right said her husband is very traditional. He won't help her at all in the household
but she appreciates that at least he doesn't complain. GAMAN - endurance
it's a strong word used a lot in Japanese marriages. Meaning sometimes you can't be.
selfish. You can't just be yourself because you have to think of the family and the harmony
of the family as a whole. In this case, the women said, they have a lot of times situations
where they have to swallow their emotions and feelings for the sake of the other person
putting you happiness last but the happiness
of the family first as a whole seems to be a very traditional cultural thing
here in Japan. However things like that might change in the future.
Thinking so much of your partner that you can communicate almost without words is a big
aspect of Japanese culture. Think of the other person so much more than of yourself and hopefully
that person will actually do the same thing for you. This aspect of non-verbal
communication can have a plus side, but also the minus side that sometimes people expect
something of the other without actually saying it. So how is that actually in your
country and culture? Let me know. I know that in Germany most men and women
can cook and they both can do the housework together. I am looking forward to reading
your comments. Don't forget to comment lots below. Don't forget to read each others comments and support
each other in our comments as well. Be nice to each other! If you're new to our channel
then don't forget to subscribe. If you have been with us, the notification symbol is now
more important than ever, because some of our video notifications have NOT been going out
to you. So please be sure that you find the bell symbol and click ON notifications.
So you don't miss any stuff here from Japan. Thanks for watching. And I am looking forward to seeing you soon
for another video on Ask Japanese. Bye!