-The Trump administration
has decided to just move on
from the coronavirus pandemic
and pretend it's over,
even though, in reality,
it's still here, and getting worse.
For more on this, it's time for "A Closer Look."
[ Suspenseful theme plays ]
The nation has obviously been focused
on the weeks of sustained mass demonstrations
against systemic racism and police brutality,
but, at the same time, the pandemic is still here.
It hasn't gone anywhere.
The coronavirus is like
my copy of "The Thorn Birds."
It hasn't been on my side table for a few weeks,
but that doesn't mean it was gone forever.
It was just off-camera and now it's back.
But I can promise you what's not back
is labored bits where I add books or change the titles.
And, look, there was never a good time
to have the world's dumbest man as president,
but the timing could not be worse right now,
as the country faces some of its weightiest
and most difficult challenges in our lifetimes.
There are mass demonstrations
against systemic racism and police brutality.
Unemployment is at its highest since the Great Depression.
North Korea just blew something up.
Tensions are escalating between India and China.
The coronavirus pandemic is still raging
and The New York Times reports
that toilets can spray plumes of coronavirus into the air
and infect the next person who uses them.
Now, we can't even enjoy toilet plumes.
The only thing I had left to look forward to this summer
was loading the kids into the van
and taking them on a cross-country trip
to see America's most picturesque toilet plumes.
2020 sucks!
And may I say, this is the first dent
in the otherwise sterling reputation
of Porta Potties.
Also, that's gotta be the most embarrassing way
to catch coronavirus. Were you near any large crowds?
"No, but I -- I maybe huffed a plume."
So, things are bad.
In a situation like this, the very minimum
we should expect from our leader is his ability to provide us
with a shared sense of reality, to give us all the facts,
but the president, he doesn't wanna do that.
In fact, he's repeatedly expressed an interest this week
in hiding the truth about the coronavirus pandemic,
suggesting that, if we just stopped testing,
it would go away.
-Today, President Trump attributed an increase in cases
in some states to advanced testing.
In a tweet, he said, "Without testing, or weak testing,
we would be showing almost no cases.
Testing is a double edged sword -
Makes us look bad, but good to have!!!"
-Our testing is so far advanced,
it's so much bigger and better than any other country,
that we're gonna have more cases.
We're always going to have more cases
and, as I said this morning, that's probably the downside
of having good testing, is you find a lot of cases
that other countries, who don't even test, don't have.
If you don't test, you don't have any cases.
If we stop testing right now,
we'd have very few cases, if any.
-I can't believe I have to explain this.
If we stopped testing,
that wouldn't mean the cases went away.
That would just mean we don't know about them.
When you play peekaboo with a baby,
the baby can't see you,
but that doesn't mean you actually disappear.
Do you remember when people were making those viral videos,
when they stand behind a cover in front of their dog,
then drop the blanket and run away
and the dogs thinks they disappeared?
That's Trump.
[ As Trump ] What the hell? He was just
standing behind the blanket.
Damn you to hell,
ghost blanket!
"You called for me, sir."
Not you, ghost blanket.
The other ghost blanket.
Now, this is a sentiment Trump has repeated several times --
if only we could stop testing,
we'd look so much better, which is just insane.
It's like if you went to your optometrist
and they said, "I could give you an eye exam,
but then, you'd need glasses to drive."
That doesn't mean you don't need glasses,
just means you'll probably get in more car accidents
than Billy Joel. And that's
another Billy Joel car crash joke!
And, yes, that is a reference that is 16 years old,
which means, if that reference were a person,
they would have no idea who Billy Joel is.
And, if you're a person who is surprised
that I'm still making Billy Joel car crash jokes in 2020,
all I can say is
♪ You oughta know by now ♪
♪ We are having fun in our attic ♪
Now, Trump is, in his own unique way,
breathtakingly dumb,
but the rest of his administration
is just as committed to this coronavirus coverup as he is,
even if they manage to be a little more subtle about it.
Vice President Mike Pence, for example,
urged governors, on a call this week,
to lie about the increasing number of coronavirus cases.
-According to The New York Times,
at a conference call,
the VP urged governors to...
-The idea that cases are going up
because testing has increased is a lie.
And, sure, Mike Pence might
look more convincing than Trump when he lies.
He shakes his head and furrows his brow
like a community theater actor,
looking even more the part of a statesman,
thanks to sharing a two-shot with a man who looks like
he's trying to get you to play the ring toss
down on the Coney Island boardwalk.
But it's still a lie.
The increase in testing is not the reason
for the increase in positives.
In fact...
Just look at this map from the website covidexitstrategy.org,
with states that are trending poorly in red.
Just because Trump has gotten bored with something
doesn't mean it's gone away.
You think he would've at least
learned that lesson from these two.
[ As Trump ] What are you two losers doing here?
I thought you disappeared.
"No, Dad. We went to summer camp."
I thought it was permanent summer camp.
The Trump administration
has even been contradicted by their own scientists.
On Tuesday, Dr. Anthony Fauci said the increase in cases...
Which is just obviously true.
What do you think is more likely to be responsible
for an increase of cases of infectious disease,
increased testing or reopening gyms; malls;
barbershops; bowling alleys; massage parlors;
and everyone's favorite local tavern, O'Coughagin's?
And, yet, the Trump administration is committed
to the lie that the coronavirus has just disappeared
when, in reality, it never went away
and it is, in fact, getting worse.
Yesterday, Pence published an op-ed
in The Wall Street Journal titled...
Yeah, that's because we're not done with the first wave.
That's like serving someone an undercooked hamburger
and, while they're still eating it, saying,
"See?
There's no diarrhea."
There will be.
There just isn't any yet.
In fact we've failed miserably,
compared to most other developed nations.
Look at this chart, comparing our curve
of confirmed cases to the European Union.
Or look at these curves, from The New York Times
for three European countries that saw major outbreaks
and have since suppressed those outbreaks
and bent their curves all the way back down.
Now, add in the United States.
The U.S. is a plateau and Italy, Spain, and Germany
all have downward slopes,
proving something I've long said --
[ Posh accent ] The skiing is better in Europe.
It just is.
We should learn from them.
Instead, our leaders continue to politicize
even basic measures that we know could stem
the spread of the virus, like mask wearing.
Trump and Pence have turned mask wearing
into a dumb conservative culture war issue
by repeatedly refusing to wear one in public.
And Pence did it again during a trip
to a restaurant in Iowa on Tuesday.
Dude, just be polite and wear the mask.
Why do you have to be such a dick about everything?
You think you're gonna look stupid with a mask?
The world can still go on,
even if we can't see your dumb little hyphen mouth.
If you put a blank piece of paper over your face,
no one would know the difference.
You already have resting mask face.
In fact, Trump seems intent on making the situation worse
by holding a giant indoor rally on Saturday in Tulsa,
a hot spot where cases are spiking
and where the director of the Tulsa Health Department
has said he wishes Trump would postpone the rally.
Trump nonetheless doubled down on Twitter.
-The president reacted to that notion on Twitter
and he rejects it, saying...
-You don't have to tell us you're immune to shame.
We're familiar with your work.
It is clear to all of us that you have tested positive
for shame antibodies.
Also don't compare a giant indoor rally to a protest.
There's a huge difference between an outdoor gathering
where everyone's wearing a mask
and an indoor campaign rally/ mosh pit
in an arena with limited ventilation,
where everyone's cheek-to-cheek, chanting "Build that wall."
Also, no one is less of an essential worker
than a Trump rally attendee.
You've been chanting "Build that wall" for five years.
Nada. So, Trump is both malevolent and dumb.
Hollywood has done us a real disservice,
trying to convince us that evil people are all geniuses.
They're always suave and well-spoken.
A lot of them have PhDs --
Dr. No, Dr. Doom,
Dr. Octopus.
All Trump has is a master's degree
in copying off the kid in front of him.
Not only does he not know how coronavirus testing works,
he doesn't even know how his own industry,
real estate, works.
Here he is at a roundtable event last week,
describing how -- I guess? --
some buildings are nicer and also cheaper than others.
-Sometimes you'll see a building that cost less money
than another building that cost more
because the one that built the one that cost more,
this one looks better.
The one that's cheaper, it looks better.
They say, "How much more did you spend for that building?"
Actually, we spent less.
You can do that.
It's called you have to know what you're doing.
-He sounds like a New York City tour guide
who forgot his notecards.
[ As Trump ] Uh, interesting fact.
Sometimes, uh, you'll see a building that, uh,
you know, cost less money than another building
because, you know, the one that built
the one that cost more, this one's cheaper and, uh --
Whah! M&M's store.
He's like a dumber version of the kid from Jerry Maguire.
"Did you know that sometimes buildings
that cost less look nicer?"
Of course, the core of what he was saying was,
if you make a cheap thing look nice, people will pay more
and, by the time they realize it's cheap,
you have their money and it's too late to do anything.
Trump-style!
The only -- the only -- smart move
Trump ever made as a builder
was giving Trump Tower an escalator, instead of a ramp.
The course of history would've been very different
if that had been a ramp.
[ Hushed ] We are waiting on Donald Trump,
who is expected to announce his bid for the presidency.
And here he is now,
at the top of the famous Trump Tower ramp,
heading down -- fairly gingerly.
And, oh, looks like he's picking up some speed
and, based on his expression, that was not part of the plan.
Oh! You can really see the whiteness of his knuckles
as they grasp helplessly at the railing.
Oh, he's down!
He's down and he has taken Melania with him
and I do not speak Slovenian, but those have --
those just have to be curse words.
If you are just now joining us, Donald Trump,
expected to announce a presidential run,
has eaten it hard on the ramp.
Trump's brain is only capable of thinking in transactions.
His only interest, in any situation,
is what's in it for him. That's why he wishes
he could just stop testing for coronavirus.
We've seen it time and time again.
For example, Trump's ex-National Security Advisor John Bolton,
who courageously hid behind his mustache,
rather than testify in Trump's impeachment trial,
has alleged, in a new tell-all book,
that, not only did Trump seek
to leverage aid to Ukraine to help his reelection bid,
but that Trump did similar stuff all the time.
-Another former aide is taking aim at President Trump.
John Bolton, who served as national security advisor,
says, in a new book, the president was concerned only
with getting reelected and that misconduct
in his foreign policy went beyond Ukraine.
-The book, which is titled
"The Room Where It Happened: a White House Memoir,"
was slated to come out next week.
The publisher says the book is...
-What's the opposite of bein' so shocked, you spit out water?
Donald Trump is only driven
by self-interest?!
[ Gulp ]
And thanks for tellin' us now.
I mean, that's information that would've been way more helpful
to us six months ago, during the impeachment trial.
You're like a guy who sees his neighbor's house on fire
and, instead of callin' 911, writes a book called...
"Bob, I wrote a book about your house bein' on fire.
I would love to send it to you, but, you know,
the house burned down. So where are you guys now?
A hotel?"
There's no one -- no one -- to root for
in a Trump vs. Bolton fight.
They're both megalomaniac sociopaths
lookin' out for themselves.
It's a real Alien vs. Predator situation,
except all you need to do to stop Alien Trump
is install a ramp.
He's getting closer!
Oh, he's slowing down. Oh, he's slowing down.
Okay, slowing way down.
Alright. You know what? I think we're good.
I think we're good to move around our spaceship
as we did before this alien infestation.
The president and his team are lying
about the ongoing coronavirus pandemic
in an attempt to cover it up and pretend it's over when,
in reality, it's getting worse.
The pandemic has laid bare
the weaknesses of our institutions
and proven, once again, that,
in order to be president, at the very least...
-You have to know what you're doing.
-This has been "A Closer Look."
♪♪
As New York struggles to reopen,
remember that we're still a city in crisis
and City Harvest has been
stepping up to meet the increased need.
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Stay safe. Wash your hands. We love you.