- Why are we drawn to people who are bad for us?
Why are so many of us attracted
to people who will hurt us, manipulate us and neglect us?
Why is it so hard to find a decent partner?
(upbeat music)
I'm Jonathan Decker, a licensed therapist.
Whether it's art, imitating life or vice versa,
society at large seems to agree
with a prevalent theme of pop culture.
Nice guys and good girls are boring,
while bad boys and girls gone wild
are attractive and exciting.
Allow me to challenge this frothy fiction
with a dose of reality.
There is nothing more attractive
than someone with a strong conscience.
Of course, you probably want someone who treats you well,
but the options seem to be bad boys and wild girls,
safe options who act entitled to your love
just because they're nice and boring vanilla people.
Isn't there any way to find someone exciting
who isn't a narcissist,
emotionally abusive, manipulative, or neglectful?
How do you find a decent person
who isn't also boring or pushy?
How can you tell the good ones
from the wolves in sheep's clothing?
I'm gonna tell you right here right now.
But first I have one simple ground rule for dating well.
You're gonna wanna write this down,
grab a pen, type it into your phone,
but write this down somewhere
because it can change your life forever.
Are you ready?
Integrity is hot.
Yeah, I said it.
Now, how boring is that, some might say.
Is there anything more predictable
than someone who always tries to do the right thing?
While many people admit that being
with a decent person makes sense,
they find themselves drawn to the seductive allure
of danger and unpredictability.
These same people later cry over being hurt, abused,
neglected, lied to and cheated on.
I'm reminded of the line in Stephen Sondheim's musical
"Into The Woods" in which Cinderella's dashing prince,
when confronted with his lies and rampant infidelity,
rationalizes that, I was raised to be charming, not sincere.
Of course, it's fine to be attracted
to people who are adventurous, mysterious,
and unpredictable within reason.
But those looking to develop lasting,
rewarding relationships will be wise
to act on that attraction
only if their love interest possesses copious integrity,
happy, enduring couples in my observation
find their partner's fidelity, honesty, accountability
and helpfulness to be irresistibly attractive.
These tantalizing traits arise from a strong conscience,
which I might add,
is more than possessing a sense of right and wrong.
After all, there are plenty of people
who have a moral compass which they don't follow.
Dr. John Van Epp in his book,
"How To Avoid Falling In Love With A Jerk"
explains that the conscience
manages one's actions and attitudes.
This means that when it comes to behavior,
those looking for a partner
should seek out those who followed Jiminy Cricket's advice
to always let your conscience be your guide.
Now, how does one determine the genuinely good people
from the wolves in sheep's clothing?
First of all, watch closely how they treat other people.
If they put their own needs above those of others
they'll likely do the same in your relationship.
If they lie to others, they're gonna lie to you.
If they cheated on their partner to be with you,
they may well cheat on you later on.
Someone with a comely conscience, on the other hand,
tries to be conscientious
of the needs and feelings of others.
They consider how their actions
will affect others when making choices.
They are courteous, helpful, and grateful.
Deceivers are often very careful
to be on their best behavior towards their prey,
but sometimes less so towards anyone else.
I once had a client, and I share this story
with her permission, whose once exhilarating relationship
with a bad boy ended in abuse and heartbreak.
I asked her if there were warning signs early on,
specifically asked her how he treated others.
"Terribly," she replied.
He was always sarcastic and rude and condescending,
but he was so sweet to me.
So I asked the next logical question,
didn't you think his kindness towards you was an act?
That he would eventually be as awful to you
as he was to everyone else, if not more so.
So she admitted, "No, it made me feel special.
"I thought I was bringing out the good in him."
Contrary to the logic of Hollywood screenwriters,
romantic love rarely turns bad boys into good ones.
It does happen, but more often than not,
the beast never turns into a prince.
Edward does not control his urges to drink Bella's blood,
and the Wolverine cannot get a grip on his temper.
Don't settle for a fixer upper.
Of course, in healthy relationships
people influence each other for the better,
and we grow as we go.
We shouldn't expect perfection,
but neither should we expect major problems
to be ironed out by the power of our love.
It's far better to choose a partner who can already swim
than to be an emotional lifeguard
to someone who drags you down under with them.
While men's ubiquitous pop culture character arc
is from bad to good,
that of women goes in the opposite direction.
This is exemplified by Rihanna's album, good girl gone bad,
how Miley Cyrus went from Hannah Montana to wrecking ball,
and Sandy's abandonment of poodle skirts
in exchange for cigarettes and tight leather in Greece.
This objectification disguised as empowerment,
betrays the truth that girls gone wild should be renamed,
as joked in the TV series, "Arrested Development,"
as girls with low self-esteem.
Casual sex and broadcast sexuality may seem exciting,
but they're often indicators
of insecurity and desperation for connection.
Traits, which all too often can lead to ruin relationships.
Now, my purpose here is not to point a judgmental finger.
Men and women who act in the ways described above can change
and have stable, healthy, meaningful relationships.
That said, it isn't your job to change them.
It's theirs and theirs alone.
If you're single, avoid the risk
of getting involved with someone who doesn't recognize
and follow their inner moral compass, keeping in mind
that who they are now is more important
than who they may have been in the past.
Remember that there is nothing more alluring
than someone who is faithful and honest.
Not to mention that intimacy is more gratifying
in the context of a healthy, committed relationship.
If you're currently involved
with someone who's made serious mistakes,
you can gauge the sincerity of their apologies
by their efforts to correct the behaviors.
Remember, there's no better apology than change behavior.
Some relationships come back from major problems
happier and stronger than ever,
but only if both partners are willing to make changes,
work hard and be accountable and forgiving.
Without these conditions,
the relationships can never thrive.
Now, if you find yourself frustrated that your niceness
and goodness has not yielded results in your love life,
I've been there.
Don't fall prey to the mentality
that you have to give up your integrity to attract someone.
It leads to ruin more often than not.
That said, neither should you believe
that anyone owes you their affections,
or even a chance at them
simply because you are nice and reliable.
Everyone's heart is theirs to give
at their own discretion, and cannot be demanded.
People are attracted to bad boys and wild girls
in part because of their confidence.
It's often arrogance or overcompensation
masters confidence, but people are drawn to it, nonetheless.
Sadly, men and women of integrity
sometimes lack confidence for whatever reason,
which makes dating difficult.
However, if you allow your confidence
to spring from right action, such as helping others,
active self-improvement,
and following that inner moral compass,
you can be satisfied with your life
even if you are romantically alone.
This will give you the confidence to wait for someone
who will treat you well instead of settling.
Remember, if you're afraid
of drowning in a sea of loneliness,
you'll grab hold of whatever slimy piece of driftwood
that comes floating along.
You've got to be able to swim on your own.
Following your conscience,
if done genuinely, instead of out of self-righteousness
or self superiority, can help you have the confidence
to form lasting relationships in the future.
And to be happy right now.
Now, I wanna hear from you down below in the comments,
what are the qualities you are looking for in a partner?
What traps have you stepped in
that you want to help others avoid?
Or if you have questions for us
about dating well and choosing a good partner,
let us know in the comments below and we'll address them.
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Here at Mended Light,
we're invested in helping you heal yourself
so that your light can shine to the world,
so that you can be the happiest, best version of you.
I'm Jonathan Decker, licensed therapist,
and I'll see you next time.
(upbeat music)