FOLKS, WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW.
A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE BEEN WORRIED ABOUT THE PRESIDENT'S
ERRATIC BEHAVIOR.
ONE VOICE OF CALM IN THESE TROUBLED TIMES IS RIGHT-WING
RADIO HOST AND FURIOUS CASHEW, ALEX JONES.
( LAUGHTER ) JONES HAS PERSONALLY ADVISED
DONALD TRUMP, AND JONES' CONSPIRACY-PUSHING WEBSITE,
INFOWARS, WAS GRANTED WHITE HOUSE PRESS CREDENTIALS.
A LITTLE WHILE BACK, JONES REVEALED WHY HE THINKS THE
PRESIDENT HAS SEEMED A BIT OFF HIS GAME.
>> I WAS TOLD THIS BY HIGH-LEVEL SOURCES.
I'VE TALKED TO PEOPLE, MULTIPLE ONES, AND THEY BELIEVE
THAT THEY ARE PUTTING A SLOW SEDATIVE THAT THEY'RE BUILDING
UP THAT'S ALSO ADDICTIVE IN HIS DIET COKES AND IN HIS ICED
TEA, AND THAT THE PRESIDENT, BY 6:00 OR 7:00 AT NIGHT, IS
BASICALLY SLURRING HIS WORDS.
THEY ISOLATE HIM, THEN YOU START SLOWLY BUILDING UP THE DOSE, BUT
INSTEAD OF TITRATING IT LIKE POISON, LIKE VENOM OF A COBRA,
OR A RATTLESNAKE, OR A WATER MOCCASIN WHERE YOU BUILD IT UP
SLOWLY SO THAT YOU GET A IMMUNITY TO IT, YOU'RE BUILDING
IT SLOWLY SO THE PERSON DOESN'T NOTICE IT.
THE PRESIDENT'S ABOUT TWO MONTHS INTO BEING COVERTLY DRUGGED.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: AND I DON'T THINK
HE'S ALONE.
IT REALLY FEELS LIKE I'VE BEEN ON HEAVY HALLUCINOGENS SINCE
LAST JANUARY.
AND JONES KNOWS THIS IS ALL PART OF A LONG HISTORY OF
PRESIDENTIAL POISONING.
>> REMEMBER GEORGE W. BUSH, WAS A GOVERNOR, WAS WELL-SPOKEN.
BETWEEN HIM ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL AND GETTING INTO OFFICE,
HE BECAME A BUMBLING MORON.
YOU COULD LOOK AT HIM, AND YOU COULD TELL HE WAS DRUGGED UP.
AND YOU LOOK AT HIM TODAY, THEY ADMIT HE'S ON A BUNCH OF
PSYCHOTROPICS.
HE SITS THERE NAKED IN HIS BATHTUB DOING THOSE PAINTINGS.
THEY DRUG PRESIDENTS!
>> Stephen: COULD HE BE RIGHT?
CAN WE SEE GEORGE W. BUSH'S LATEST DOG PAINTING?
YEAH, HE'S ON DRUGS.
BUT DESPITE ALL THE POISON THE PRESIDENT IS DRINKING, JONES
BELIEVES THAT SOMETIMES TRUMP CAN STILL THINK CLEARLY.
LIKE LAST WEEK, WHEN TRUMP TWEETED THAT HIS NUCLEAR BUTTON
WAS BIGGER THAN KIM JONG-UN'S.
A LOT OF PEOPLE THOUGHT THAT WAS CRAZY, BUT NOT ALEX JONES.
>> THEY'RE THE ONES SAYING, "HEY WE GOT A BIGGER NUCLEAR BUTTON
THAN YOU.
WE GOT A BIGGER ARSENAL, MORE POWERFUL," AND IT WORKS.
NOTHING TO DO WITH THE MEDIA TRYING TO SAY THE PRESIDENT HAS
SMALL GENITALS.
AND, BY THE WAY, HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE SMALL HANDS,
AND BY THE WAY, THAT'S A CLICHE AND A WIVES' TALE, AND NOT EVEN
TRUE, AS WELL.
MEDICAL DOCTORS WILL TELL YOU IT'S THE FEET SIZE.
>> Stephen: AND HOW DOES ALEX JONES KNOW DONALD TRUMP'S
GENITAL SIZE?
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, HE GETS A PRETTY GOOD LOOK
WHEN HE'S KISSING HIS ASS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU.
BUT, YOU'RE ASKING, "STEPHEN, IS THERE MORE TO THIS STORY?"
YES.
AND IT WAS ALL COVERED BY MY COLLEAGUE, CONSPIRACY RADIO
BROADCASTER TUCK BUCKFORD, THE HOST OF BRAIN FIGHT.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> AND THIS IS WHY HUMA ABEDIN
IS WORKING WITH IKEA TO CREATE A FLEET OF EASY-TO-ASSEMBLE
MICRO-SUBMARINES FOR SWEDEN'S ISIS TO INVADE THROUGH YOUR
TOILET TANK.
OKAY, SO FOR YOUR SAFETY, JAM A BRITA FILTER DOWN THERE.
ALSO GIVES IT A NICE CRISP TASTE.
YOUR DOG WILL THANK YOU.
NOW IF YOU'RE JUST JOINING US, BRAINFIGHTERS, TODAY WE'RE
DIVING INTO THE MEDIA CONSPIRACY TO CONVINCE YOU THAT THE
PRESIDENT HAS SMALL GENITALS, OKAY.
NOT TRUE, IT'S JUST JEALOUSY, BECAUSE
MEMBERS OF THE FAKE NEWS MEDIA HAVE HAD THEIR OWN GENITALS
REPLACED BY U.S.B. PORTS IN ORDER TO CONCEAL HILLARY
CLINTON'S EMAILS INSIDE THEIR PELVIC FLOORS, OKAY.
THAT'S WHAT KEGELS ARE FOR-- OPENING A FILE.
I'LL DO ONE RIGHT NOW.
HOLD ON.
NO, THAT WAS JUST SPAM.
WELL, JOKE'S ON THEM, HA-HA, BECAUSE APPLE HAS A WHOLE NEW
KIND OF PLUG, AND SOON THEIR GROINS WILL ALL BE OBSOLETE!
PLUS, IT IS WELL KNOWN THAT PENIS SIZE HAS NO CORRELATION TO
YOUR NUCLEAR BUTTON, OR YOUR HANDS, OR YOUR PENIS, OKAY.
THE ONLY CORRELATION IS TO YOUR INSTEP.
I'VE CONSULTED WITH MY NEUROPATHIST AT FOOT LOCKER, AND
HE ASSURES ME THAT THE SHOES I'VE PURCHASED FOR MY PENIS ARE
THE CORRECT FIT, OKAY.
ALWAYS FLATS-- CAN'T WORK A FULL DAY WITH MY PENIS IN HEELS.
BY THE WAY, I HAPPEN TO HAVE ONE OF THE PRESIDENT'S SHOES RIGHT
HERE, OKAY.
LOOK AT THAT.
THIS IS THE PRESIDENT TRUMP.
OH, YOU CAN SMELL THAT MAGA, RIGHT IN THERE, THE MUSKY MAGA.
AND LOOKY-LOOK WHAT'S INSIDE.
A POISONED YOOHOO!
OKAY.
"YOOHOO," THE ARABIC WORD FOR "NOT AS CHOCOLATEY AS YOU WERE
HOPING."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, YOU BRAINFIGHTERS DOWN IN
THE MIND TRENCH KNOW I HAVE BEEN IMMUNE TO ALL POISONS SINCE MY
SWEAT LODGE VISION QUEST, DURING THE WEEKEND I SPENT LOCKED IN MY
MOM'S HONDA ACCORD.
THE JAPANESE PUT THE CHILD LOCKS IN THE BACKSEAT ON ORDERS FROM
CROWN PRINCE PIKACHU.
WHICH IS WHY I AM PERSONALLY VOLUNTEERING TO BE PRESIDENT
TRUMP'S FOOD AND BEVERAGE TESTER.
SIR, REPORTING FOR DUTY, STARTING WITH YOUR REDDI-WIP.
MR. PRESIDENT, LOOK AT THIS.
YEAH, I CAN TELL IMMEDIATELY WITH ONE SNIFF THAT THIS IS
MICRO-DOSED WITH THE VENOM OF THE DEADLY EMPEROR PENGUIN,
OKAY, ON ORDERS FROM U.N.
SECRETARY GENERAL MORGAN FREEMAN!
DO NOT USE IT!
THE ONLY SAFE WAY TO CONSUME IT IS LIKE THIS.
YEAH, THIS ONE IS SAFE.
BUT JUST TO BE SURE, DON'T PUT THE LIQUID IN YOUR MOUTH, OKAY.
YOU WANT TO APPLY THAT-- YOU WANT TO APPLY THAT TOPICALLY.
RIGHT, JUST TOPICALLY.
DON'T FORGET THE YUM-GILLS.
DOWN HERE, ALL RIGHT, IT'S ALL A PART OF THE FLAVOR THORAX.
MMM, DELICIOSO.
A LITTLE SWEET, THOUGH.
FEELS A LITTLE SWEET.
NOW, SHOULD THE VENOM CROSS THE NECK-BRAIN BARRIER, DON'T FORGET
THE ANTIDOTE, OKAY.
YOU GOT TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE.
YOU FIGHT POISON WITH POISON.
THAT'S WHY I ALWAYS FOLLOW IT UP WITH DRINKING A BAG OF TIDE
PODS, ALL RIGHT.
I TAKE A LITTLE CAPRI SUN ON THERE, UGH-UGH--
REDDI-WIP'S MADE THIS SO SLIPPERY.
ANYWAY, THE POINT IS JUST WORK YOUR WAY THROUGH THESE.
THEY GOT A REAL KICK TO IT.
PLUS, IT WILL MAKE YOUR LOWER INTESTINE-- I MEAN, YOUR
DUODENUM WILL BE BRIGHTER AND SOFTER THAN EVER!
BRAINFIGHT IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY stamps.con.
ALL RIGHT, THE SERVICE THAT SENT A CONVICTED FELON TO INTERCEPT
YOUR MAIL SO THE JACKBOOTED GOVERNMENT MAIL CARRIERS CAN'T
PUSH THEIR PROPAGANDA THROUGH YOUR LETTER-HOLE.
STICK AROUND, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH FUNNYMAN STEVEN SEGAL!
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH LAURIE METCALF,