-Welcome, everybody, to "The Tonight Show."
Thank you so much for watching.
What a show we have for you tonight.
Oh, also, I'm going to debut my new Zoom camera.
I have a new Zoom camera. It doesn't quite work.
It's a little wide-angled and it's weird-looking.
But -- You got to -- You got to try.
You got to try new things
and see what works and what doesn't work and all that.
I hope everyone is staying safe out there.
I know it's tempting to just "enough's enough,"
but, yeah, you're doing the right thing.
Wear masks, wear gloves, stay home when you can,
social-distance, do everything you can.
Let's get rid of this thing.
What a show.
I'll just run through it real quick.
Martin Short, the funniest human of all time.
Love him so much.
He's just on fire. He's just the greatest.
I love him, love him, love him so much.
Also, speaking of funny, I met them as writers on "Late Night,"
and now they are just ruling the world right now
and hitting home runs,
comedy home runs, all over the place.
Bashir Salahuddin and Diallo Riddle,
the creators of "South Side" and also "Sherman's Showcase,"
which is having their Black History Month spectacular,
airing this Friday.
Man, they are so funny. It's unbelievable.
The special is great. Quest is in it. It's awesome.
And to close it out, honey,
do you know who the musical guest is tonight?
-No, I do not. -Well, well, well.
Who's one of my favorites of all time?
-Is that a trick question? -No, no. I'm sorry.
But -- Our -- Mutually, who is one of the first
few people that we listened to?
Well, no, no, it's endless, endless.
-Oh, I know. -Ready?
-Yes. I was going through who hadn't --
-I know -- there's a lot of people.
-Yes. -Randy Newman.
-Stop it. -Randy Newman is tonight.
-Oh, this is a big one. -I love Randy Newman.
-Oh, my gosh. -And he's my man.
-Yeah, I just -- I don't know. What a show.
Alright, let's get to some news here.
Here we go. Let's get right to it.
Today started off with some big news from the Supreme Court.
-We have breaking news from the Supreme Court.
It is a landmark decision for the LGBTQ community.
The justices ruling that it is illegal for workers
to be dismissed from a job based on
sexual orientation and gender identity.
-Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. It's 2020.
I thought good news was illegal.
Until this, the only good news to come out of 2020
was Baby Nut.
Yeah, it's not the outcome the Trump administration wanted.
Experts say it's the most damaging thing to happen
to Trump in the last...eight hours.
That was for watch, wearing a watch.
People used to wear timepieces.
Yep, the decision protects gay and transgender workers
from discrimination in the workplace.
Unfortunately, thanks to Trump's handling of the pandemic,
there is no workplace.
The court decided employers can't fire workers
based on their sexual orientation or gender identity.
They'll have to stick to the usual reason workers
get fired -- not muting themselves on Zoom.
The final vote was 6-3.
When he heard that, Trump said,
"Okay, what about the Electoral College?"
Yep, it's a tough day for the Trump administration.
We're just one more "Will & Grace" reboot away
from this being the worst day of Mike Pence's life.
The 6-3 opinion was written by
Trump-appointed justice Neil Gorsuch.
Trump plans on punishing Gorsuch
by violently shaking his hand again.
[ Applause ]
-What's he doing?
It's like he's trying to start a lawnmower.
That's like -- You know who would do those handshakes?
Kreskin would do that when he came on the show.
And I always thought that was part of the trick or something,
'cause I'd go, "Nice to see you," and he'd go...
And he'd shake it really hard and you'd go,
"Is this part of the -- Did he just put something on my back
by distracting me?"
No, it's just the way he shook hands.
Hi, Kreskin.
Well, everyone is talking about this. Everybody.
Over the weekend, President Trump
gave a commencement speech at West Point,
but it looks like he had some trouble leaving.
Take a look.
-You see him walking very haltingly, one leg at a time.
It starts happening here. Down a ramp.
-Yeah, apparently, Trump was a little sensitive
about the incident, because he then tweeted,
"The ramp that I descended was very long and steep,
had no handrail, and, most importantly,
it was very slippery.
Final 10 feet, I ran down to level ground.
Momentum!"
Wow. Yep, that's about the only momentum Trump has right now.
10 feet. The last 10 feet, he ran?
[ Laughing ] Oh, my gosh.
You know, there's so much to say about the ramp video,
and I just can't pick one joke, so I'm going to tell
as many jokes as I can in the time it took Trump
to walk down that ramp.
You ready? Let's go.
He was just doing an impression of his approval rating.
[ Ding ]
That was still faster than his response to the coronavirus.
[ Ding ]
He broke his first Fitbit record of 10 steps.
He looked like skier doing pizza instead of French fries.
[ Ding ]
That's his audition tape for "American Ninja Warrior."
It would be faster if he sat at the top
and did a butt scooch down.
[ Buzzer ] Oh! Alright. Alright.
I got some in there.
I had a couple more. Want me to just tell you?
-Mm-hmm.
-He still hasn't realized it's not an escalator.
[ Both laugh ]
That's right -- Trump said that the ramp
had no handrails and was very slippery.
He really came down hard on it,
and I don't know if he's going to let it go.
Check out this new attack ad he just released.
-There's a new threat in our country,
an enemy of the state like we've never seen before...
the ramp.
We already know the ramp is taking jobs
from hardworking American stairs,
but who is the ramp really?
A known member of Antifa?
A foreign agent?
Or a deep-state Liberal elite?
Can we stop the spread or is it already too late?
Paid for by Americans Against Ramps.
-Yeah, it's been a rough few months for Trump,
but at least his family is sticking by his side.
-President Trump's niece is coming out with
a tell-all book about her family and revealing
she has been a key anonymous source for reporters
looking into the president's finances.
-Yeah, okay, maybe not.
Another Trump tell-all book.
It's crazy that, after all these tell-all books,
there's still more to tell.
Trump's tell-all books are starting to feel like
a 3:00 a.m. infomercial.
"But wait! There's more!"
Okay, so, the Supreme Court ruled against him,
there's viral video about him,
and a family member has turned on him.
I'm sure there couldn't possibly be
any other bad news for Trump, right?
-The FDA announced that it is ending the emergency use of
hydroxychloroquine and chloroquine to treat coronavirus.
-Trump was like, "This is ridiculous.
I've been taking it every day
and I feel coconut, tricycle, waterfall."
Trump reminded the FDA that it only works -- [ Laughs ]
Trump reminded the FDA that it only works when you take it
with a full glass of bleach.
Yeah.
[ As Trump ] Who's the scientist now?
What?