WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( APPLAUSE ) FIRST OF ALL, CONGRATULATIONS--
I'M GOING TO START OFF TONIGHT'S SHOW BECAUSE CONGRATULATIONSES
ARE IN ORDER TO GEORGE AND AMAL CLOONEY ON THE BIRTH OF THEIR
TWINS.
GOOD FOR YOU, GUYS.
( APPLAUSE ) SO AT 56, GEORGE IS NOW
OFFICIALLY A D.I.L.F. -- A DASHING INTENSELY LIBERAL
FATHER.
( LAUGHTER ) ALSO, I WOULD HAVE SEX WITH HIM.
THERE'S ALSO SLIGHTLY LESS IMPORTANT NEWS THAN THAT.
JUST A LITTLE BIT LESS.
IT'S A TOP-SECRET N.S.A. REPORT THAT DETAILED RUSSIAN HACKING
EFFORTS DAYS BEFORE THE 2016 ELECTION.
DAYS BEFORE?
COME ON, GUCCIFER.
THAT'S POOR PLANNING.
YOU CAN'T LEAVE YOUR HACKING TO LAST MINUTE.
PUT SOME THOUGHT INTO IT.
NO ONE WANTS AN ELECTION YOU JUST PICKED UP AT WALGREENS.
( LAUGHTER ) APPARENTLY, RUSSIAN HACKERS
TRIED TO GAIN ACCESS TO A COMPANY CALLED V.R. SYSTEMS BY
SENDING WORKERS THERE PHONY EMAILS THAT APPEARED TO BE FROM
GOOGLE THAT WOULD REQUEST THEIR LOGIN CREDENTIALS.
OKAY, HERE'S A LITTLE TIP: IF IT LOOKS LIKE GOOGLE BUT ISN'T
REALLY, IT'S EITHER A HACKER OR BING.
DON'T OPEN EITHER.
JUST STAY AWAY FROM BOTH OF THEM AFTER-- I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW.
THAT'S HOW BAD BING IS.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THAT JOKE WORKS.
AFTER THE HACKERS GAINED ACCESS TO THE COMPANY'S ACCOUNTS, THEY
THEN SENT "AN EMAIL TO TRICK LOCAL U.S. GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES
INTO OPENING DOCUMENTS THAT WERE "INVISIBLY TAINTED WITH POTENT
MALWARE."
OKAY, THEY SENT IT TO THE POLL WORKERS, OKAY.
THIS IS HOW DEMOCRACY ENDS, WITH A FAKE EMAIL SENT TO THE ANCIENT
CAT LADY MANNING THE POLLING STATION AT YOUR HIGH SCHOOL GYM.
( LAUGHTER ) "OKAY, LET'S CHECK MY AOL.
OKAY, HERE'S SOMETHING: 'FORWARD, FORWARD, FORWARD,
FORWARD, ANTIAGING CREAM WITH SCENT OF GRANDSON.
OH, CLICK."
THERE YOU GO.
SO WHO REALLY KNOWS WHO WON NOVEMBER 8 NOW, OTHER THAN
VLADIMIR PUTIN.
NOW, I'M A LITTLE RUSTY ON MY CONSTITUTION, BUT I GUESS THIS
MEANS NEW ELECTION?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHY NOT?
SURE, LET'S HAVE ANOTHER ONE.
LET'S JUST GET THE BAND BACK TOGETHER.
SOMEBODY FIND JEB AND WAKE HIM UP!
I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS.
CHECK THE MILD SALSA AISLE.
( LAUGHTER ) OR A STORE THAT SELLS ONLY
MAYONNAISE.
NOW, ALL ALONG, DONALD TRUMP HAS SAID THE ENTIRE RUSSIA STORY IS
FAKE NEWS, AND THERE'S NO WAY TO KNOW WHETHER THIS
DOCUMENT WAS REAL, OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT THE LEAKER WAS
IMMEDIATELY ARRESTED.
"FAKE NEWS, REAL PRISON."
( LAUGHTER ) THE LEAKER'S NAME-- AND THIS IS
TRUE-- REALITY WINNER.
SO, IT'S OFFICIAL-- THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION IS AT WAR WITH
REALITY.
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ NOW, MS. WINNER IS A 25-YEAR-OLD
FORMER AIR FORCE LINGUIST WHO SPEAKS THREE MIDDLE EASTERN
LANGUAGES, WHICH SHOULD HAVE RAISED RED FLAGS RIGHT THERE.
BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHERE THEY SPEAK MIDDLE EASTERN LANGUAGES?
THE MIDDLE EAST!
( LAUGHTER ) REALITY WINNER HAD TOP SECRET
SECURITY CLEARANCE AND WORKED FOR A PRIVATE INTELLIGENCE
CONTRACTOR CALLED THE PLURIBUS INTERNATIONAL CORPORATION.
SO A YOUNG FEMALE SPY NAMED REALITY WINNER STOLE
INTELLIGENCE FROM THE PLURIBUS CORPORATION.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE A BOND MOVIE, WHICH, OF COURSE, MAKES DONALD
TRUMP.
♪ SMALL FINGER ♪ WA-WA-WA!
HERE'S HOW THEY CAUGHT HER.
INVESTIGATORS NOTICED THE DOCUMENT APPEARED TO HAVE BEEN
FOLDED, MEANING SOMEONE PRINTED IT OUT, AND IT CONTAINED "SMALL,
BARELY VISIBLE YELLOW DOTS THAT SHOW EXACTLY WHEN AND WHERE
DOCUMENTS, ANY DOCUMENT, IS PRINTED."
WOW, YOU CAN TRACE ANY DOCUMENT BASED ON THE PRINTER.
IT'S LIKE N.C.I.S. MEETS DILBERT!
( LAUGHTER ) SO NOW THE EVIDENCE THAT RUSSIA
TRIED TO MANIPULATE THE ELECTION IS PRETTY STRONG TO EVERYONE BUT
THE GUY WHO DID IT, VLADIMIR PUTIN.
SO, ON SUNDAY, HE APPEARED ON MEGYN KELLY'S NEW SUNDAY NIGHT
NEWS SHOW, "SIXTY MINUTES OF MEGYN KELLY."
AND WHEN IT CAME TO WHO REALLY WAS BEHIND THE ELECTION
TAMPERING, PUTIN'S EXPLANATION RELIED ON WHAT'S CALLED OCCAM'S
RAZOR, BECAUSE THE WHOLE THING MAKES ME WANT TO CUT MY
WRISTS.
JIM?
>> Translator: THERE'S A THEORY THAT KENNEDY'S ASSASSINATION WAS
ARRANGED BY THE UNITED STATES INTELLIGENCE SERVICES.
SO IF THIS THEORY IS CORRECT-- AND THAT CAN'T BE RULED OUT--
THEN WHAT COULD BE EASIER IN THIS DAY AND AGE THAN USING ALL
THE TECHNICAL MEANS AT THE DISPOSAL OF THE INTELLIGENCE
SERVICES AND USING THOSE MEANS TO ORGANIZE SOME ATTACKS AND
THEN POINTING THE FINGER AT RUSSIA?
>> Stephen: NICE TRY, VLAD, BUT I WILL NOT STAND BY WHILE YOU
TRY TO CONFUSE THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WITH (BLEEP) CONSPIRACY
THEORIES.
THAT IS DONALD TRUMP'S JOB.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE-- NO, I WON'T TAKE IT!
♪ ♪ ♪ MEANWHILE, A LOT OF PEOPLE IN
THE WHITE HOUSE ARE WORRIED ABOUT A BIG SHAKEUP RIGHT
NOW.
NONE MORE SO THAN CHIEF OF STAFF AND MAN WHOSE NAME SOUNDS
MORE MADE UP THAN "COVFEFE," REINCE PRIEBUS.
NOW, PRIEBUS HAS ALWAYS HAD A BIT OF TROUBLE FITTING IN AT THE
WHITE HOUSE BECAUSE HE LACKS THE ONE QUALITY TRUMP VALUES MOST IN
HIS STAFF: BEING MARRIED TO IVANKA.
EVEN THOUGH REINCE STILL HAS HIS JOB, INSIDERS SAY THAT HE'S A
DEAD MAN WALKING.
NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE WALKING DEAD.
THAT'S STEVE BANNON.
( LAUGHTER ) HE LOOKS FINE.
HE LOOKS GOOD.
HE'S GOT A NICE TAN.
GOT A NICE TAN.
NOW, THERE'S ONE THING REALLY KEEPING PRIEBUS FROM BEING
REPLACED, AND THAT'S FINDING A REPLACEMENT.
APPARENTLY, HIS GREATEST JOB SECURITY IS THAT THERE ARE FEW
TAKERS FOR WHAT MIGHT BE AN UNWORKABLE GIG.
SO, I JUST WANT TO SAY TO THE PRESIDENT, YOU MIGHT WANT TO
HOLD OFF BUILDING THAT BORDER WALL, BECAUSE WHITE HOUSE CHIEF
OF STAFF IS ANOTHER JOB AMERICANS DON'T WANT TO DO.
AND IT'S A LOT LIKE FARM WORK: LONG HOURS, LOW PAY, AND A WHOLE
LOT OF MANURE SHOVELING.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
I'LL BE JOINED BY SELMA HAYEK PINAULT.
BUT FIRST, I'LL BE TALKING TWITTER WITH A CERTAIN CARTOON
WORLD LEADER.
STICK AROUND, WON'T YOU?