>> Stephen: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO "THE LATE
SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT FEELS GOOD TO BE BACK ON THIS STAGE.
LAST WEEK, WE WERE OFF.
WE PRETENDED WE HAD NEW SHOWS ON MONDAY, TUESDAY, AND WEDNESDAY,
BUT THOSE WERE ACTUALLY TAPED THE WEEK BEFORE.
IT WAS AN ILLUSION CREATED BY AN EVIL GENIUS SO I COULD DRINK RUM
AND YOU COULD WATCH MARCH MADNESS.
SO I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THAT.
( APPLAUSE ) GO GAMECOCKS!
BUT WHAT A GREAT TIME TO BE AWAY FROM THE SHOW.
>> Jon: RIGHT, SO NOTHING HAPPENED.
>> Stephen: NOTHING HAPPENED WHILE I WAS GONE, RIGHT?
( LAUGHTER ) OH, THERE'S ONE THING-- THE GOP
FINALLY LAUNCHED THEIR OBAMACARE REPEAL.
I BELIEVE WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF THAT FROM LAST WEEK.
>> I'M JUST A BILL...
♪ YES, I'M ONLY A BILL ♪ ♪ AND I'M SITTING HERE ON
CAPITOL HILL ♪ ( GUNSHOT )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: OH!
WOW-WEE!
( LAUGHTER ) OH, NO!
DON'T DO IT!
IT'S JUST A CARTOON, FOLKS.
HE'S FINE.
WELL, THAT DID NOT GO AS PLANNED.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY'RE SO SURE THEY WERE GOING
TO GET THIS THIS THING DONE THAT AN ANTI-OBAMACARE PAC RAN A
BUNCH OF VERSIONS OF THIS AD DURING BASKETBALL AFTER THE BILL
FAILED.
>> REPUBLICANS ARE KEEPING THEIR PROMISE WITH A NEW PLAN FOR
BETTER HEALTHCARE.
NO MORE BIG GOVERNMENT PENALTIES OR JOB KILLING MANDATES.
THANK CONGRESSMAN GREG WALDEN.
FOR KEEPING HIS PROMISE AND REPLACING THE AFFORDABLE CARE
ACT WITH THE BETTER HEALTHCARE YOU DESERVE.
>> STEPHEN: THEY ALSO RAN THIS AD CONGRATULATING KANSAS FOR
MAKING IT TO THE FINAL FOUR AND PRINTED A NEWSPAPER DECLARING --
DEWEY DEFEATS HEALTHCARE REFORM.
( APPLAUSE ) PRO( PIANO RIFF )
AND THE WHITE HOUSE TRIED TO GET THIS THROUGH.
THERE WAS FULL COURT PRESS FROM TRUMP AND HIS PEOPLE.
THEY TRIED TO SWING THEIR BALLS AT MEMBERS OF
THE CONSERVATIVE FREEDOM CAUCUS, EVEN SUMMONING THEM TO THE WHITE
HOUSE WHERE ADVISER AND PRE-EXISTING CONDITION, STEVE
BANNON, TOLD THEM -- "THIS IS NOT A DISCUSSION.
THIS IS NOT A DEBATE.
YOU HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO VOTE FOR THIS BILL."
TO WHICH ONE OF THE MEMBERS REPLIED --
"YOU KNOW, THE LAST TIME SOMEONE ORDERED ME TO DO SOMETHING, I
WAS 18 YEARS OLD.
AND IT WAS MY DADDY.
AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO HIM EITHER."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NO SUH!
>> Jon: I DO DECLARE!
>> Stephen: AND, SO, I PUT MY IN THAT BOX OF FIRE CRACKERS AND
TODAY I'M CONGRESSMAN CUSTAS "SPARKY" JONES.
SO, ON FRIDAY, LACKING THE VOTES THEY NEEDED, THEY FOLDED THE
OBAMACARE REPEAL AND PLACED IT IN THE CABINET OF BROKEN
REPUBLICAN DREAMS NEXT TO TRICKLE-DOWN ECONOMICS AND A
JESUS-SHAPED FIGHTER JET THAT DROPS GAY PEOPLE ON ISIS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT WILL GET 'EM.
THAT WILL SHOW 'EM!
>> Jon: HEY -- >> Stephen: THEY COULD NOT GET
THE FUNDING FOR THAT SOMEHOW.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
( LAUGHTER ) SO IT'S A FAILURE.
SO WHO DOES TRUMP BLAME FOR THIS FAILURE?
>> WE HAD NO DEMOCRAT SUPPORT.
WE HAD NO VOTES FROM THE DEMOCRATS.
>> STEPHEN: NOT ENOUGH VOTES TO GET A MAJORITY?
THAT DIDN'T STOP YOU FROM BECOMING PRESIDENT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) JUST WORK YOUR MAGIC!
JUST WORK YOUR MAGIC!
( PIANO RIFF ) IT'S ALMOST LIKE WE'RE LIVING IN
SOME SORT OF DEMOCRACY.
SO HE BLAMED DEMOCRATS AND CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICANS AND
MODERATE REPUBLICANS.
BUT THERE IS ONE PERSON TRUMP DOESN'T BLAME.
HERE'S A HINT -- IT RHYMES WITH "DONALD TRUMP."
( LAUGHTER ) >> I NEVER SAID -- I GUESS I'M
HERE, WHAT, 64 DAYS.
I NEVER SAID "REPEAL AND REPLACE OBAMACARE."
YOU'VE ALL HEARD MY SPEECHES.
I NEVER SAID "REPEAL IT AND REPLACE IT WITHIN 64 DAYS."
I HAVE A LONG TIME.
>> STEPHEN: YEAH, TRUMP NEVER SAID HE'D REPEAL OBAMACARE IN 64
DAYS.
HE HAD A DIFFERENT TIME FRAME IN MIND.
>> THE FIRST THING WE'RE GOING TO DO IS REPEAL AND REPLACE
OBAMACARE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MY FIRST DAY IN OFFICE, I'M
GOING TO ASK CONGRESS TO PUT A BILL ON MY DESK.
WE WILL IMMEDIATELY REPEAL AND REPLACE THE DISASTER KNOWN AS
OBAMACARE.
IMMEDIATELY REPEALING AND REPLACING OBAMACARE.
IMMEDIATELY, IMMEDIATELY REPEALING AND REPLACING
OBAMACARE.
>> STEPHEN: IMMEDIATELY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IMMEDIATELY.
IMMEDIATELY.
DAY ONE, IMMEDIATELY.
( LAUGHTER ) SO, I GUESS, TECHNICALLY, HE
DIDN'T FAIL ON FRIDAY.
HE FAILED TWO MONTHS AGO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
AND AFTER ALL HIS CAMPAIGN PROMISES, NOTHING!
IT'S ALMOST LIKE YOU CAN'T TRUST A FAST-TALKING CITY SLICKER WHO
ROLLS INTO TOWN PROMISING A MAGIC SOLUTION TO ALL OUR
MEDICAL NEEDS.
I'M STARTING TO DOUBT THE EFFECTIVENESS OF DR. BANNON'S
ANTI-MUSLIM TOAD OIL.
( LAUGHTER ) JUST RUB IT ON.
YOU JUST RUB IT ON.
>> Stephen: YOU'VE GOT TO GET THE MUSLIM TO HOLD STILL WHILE
YOU RUB IT ON.
BUT IT'S NOT MY PRODUCT.
I DIDN'T SAY IT WORKED.
JUST A SPONSOR.
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP ALSO DOESN'T BLAME-- AND
THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT -- PAUL RYAN.
SPEAKING OF NOT BLAMING PAUL RYAN, TRUMP FOUND TIME TO MAKE A
TV RECOMMENDATION, TWEETING ON SATURDAY --
"WATCH @JUDGEJEANINE ON @FOXNEWS TONIGHT AT 9:00 P.M."
WELL, THAT'S INTERESTING.
I WONDER WHAT THE SHOW WAS ABOUT THAT NIGHT.
>> PAUL RYAN NEEDS TO STEP DOWN AS SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE.
THIS BILL DIDN'T JUST FAIL.
IT FAILED WHEN REPUBLICANS HAD THE HOUSE, THE SENATE, THE WHITE
HOUSE.
AND, SPEAKER RYAN, YOU COME IN WITH ALL YOUR SWAGGER AND
EXPERIENCE AND YOU SELL HIM A BILL OF GOODS.
BASED ON WHAT??
YOUR LEGISLATIVE EXPERTISE?
WHAT?
YOUR DRINKS AT THE HAY-ADAMS WITH YOUR PALS!?
RYAN HAS HURT YOU GOING FORWARD, AND HE'S GOT TO GO.
>> STEPHEN: BUT, FIRST, SOMEONE GIVE JUDGE JEANINE A RIDE HOME
FROM THE STUDIO.
( LAUGHTER ) AND, NO, I DON'T KNOW WHERE HER
SHOES ARE!
THEY'RE UNDER THE COUCH!
( APPLAUSE ) SO, HE MUST WANT RYAN GONE,
RIGHT, REINCE PRIEBUS?
>> DOES THE PRESIDENT WANT PAUL RYAN TO RESIGN AS SPEAKER?
>> WELL, FIRST OF ALL, I WILL GO ON RECORD, WE DO LOVE JUDGE
JEANINE, AND SO DOES THE PRESIDENT.
I THINK IT WAS MORE COINCIDENTAL, CHRIS.
>> OH, COME ON.
WHY WOULD HE SAY WATCH HER AND THEN THAT'S THE FIRST
THING -- >> BECAUSE HE LOVES JUDGE
JEANINE, AND HE WANTED TO DO JUDGE JEANINE A FAVOR.
I THINK THIS IS MORE OF A PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP, THE
PRESIDENT HELPING OUT A FRIEND.
>> Stephen: YEAH, JUST -- JUST HELPING OUT A FRIEND.
"YOU SHOVE RYAN'S HEAD IN THE TOILET, I'LL STAND BY BATHROOM
DOOR AND YELL FOR EVERYONE TO COME WATCH!"
SWIRLY.
IMMEDIATELY.
( APPLAUSE ) WELL, IF HE LIKES JUDGE JEANINE,
TRUMP'S GOING TO LOVE TONIGHT'S EPISODE OF THE LATE SHOW'S
PRO-TRUMP NEWS TEAM, REAL NEWS TONIGHT.
>> WELCOME TO REAL NEWS TONIGHT, I'M JIM.
>> AND I'M JILL NEWS LADY.
LAST WEEK'S REPUBLICAN HEALTH CARE BILL FAILED BUT NOT BECAUSE
OF PRESIDENT TRUMP WHO IS A GOOD MAN.
>> GREAT MAN.
VERY GRAD.
COULD BE BLAMED ON SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE PAUL RYAN.
>> THE WEAK BOY WHO SMELLS BAD.
SMELLS BAD, IS BAD.
WE TURNED TO SALLY BLAZERFACE.
SALLY.
>> PAUL RYAN HAS GOTTA GO.
HE CAME IN HERE WITH HIS SWAGGER AND HIS SWINGIN' HIPS AND
PROMISED TO DELIVER A HOT, JUICY PILE OF HEALTH CARE, AND HE
FAILED!
TRUMP TRUSTED HIM BECAUSE OF WHY?
BECAUSE HE'S A GOOD-TIME BOY PALLING AROUND GETTING
MARGARITAS WITH ALL HIS PALS.
AND I HATE IT WHEN SCHUMER AND PELOSI GET TO SHAKE THEIR LIL'
MARACAS SAYING TRUMP IS NO GOOD!
BECAUSE OF PAUL RYAN.
PAUL RYAN FAILED REPUBLICANS.
PRAIPAUL RYAN SAYS, I CAN'T GO T HOOTERS ANYMORE BECAUSE I MADE
THE GIRLS CRY.
PAUL RYAN SAYS I HAVE TO DRINK WATER.
DONALD TRUMP WOULDN'T DO THAT.
AND, DONALD, YOU KNOW WHAT?
IF YOU'RE WATCHING, I GOTTA TELL YOU SOMETHING -- WAIT, I WANT TO
TALK TO YOU!
>> Stephen: SHE'S GOING TO BE FINE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
JANE FONDA AND LILY TOMLIN ARE HERE.
BUT FIRST, I'LL BE OVER THERE TALKING ABOUT RUSSIA.
STICK AROUND.