WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I JUST WANT TO START OUT BY
SAYING CONGRATULATIONS TO THE
UNIVERSITYOV SOUTH CAROLINA
WOMEN'S BASKETBALL TEAM, WHO
LAST NIGHT WON THE NATIONAL
CHAMPIONSHIP.
GOOD FOR YOU, GAV GIVE IT UP FOR
FEMALE GAMECOCKS, EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I'M SO PROUD OF THE FEMALE
GAMECOCKS, OR AS I HOPE NO ONE
CALLS THEM, THE LADY COCKS --
'CAUSE I GOOGLED IT AND THOSE
WERE NOT BASKETBALL PLAYERS.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: HEY, HEY, HEY!
>> Stephen: I WILL SAY, THERE
WAS SOME IMPRESSIVE BALL
HANDLING.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
NOW, WHERE WERE WE?
OH, WE TAPED THIS SHOW AT 5:30,
SO
WE DON'T KNOW WHO WON THE MEN'S
CHAMPIONSHIP.
AS A CELEBRITY, I DON'T FIND OUT
UNTIL 7:30.
BUT STILL I WOULD LIKE TO OFFER
MY CONGRATULATIONS.
SO GREAT JOB, TEAM NAME HERE.
( LAUGHTER )
YOU EARNED IT!
YOU WANTED IT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TRULY A CINDERELLA OR TOTALLY
EXPECTED STORY.
( LAUGHTER )
SUPER DRAMATIC GAME TONIGHT.
WISH I WOULD HAVE SEEN IT.
THERE'S DRAMA BREWING IN
WASHINGTON BECAUSE THE SENATE IS
ABOUT TO VOTE ON NOMINEE AND
BANKER GETTING STONED FOR THE
FIRST TIME ON VACATION, NEIL
GORSUCH.
BUT DEMOCRATS AREN'T GOING TO
LET GORSUCH GET CONFIRMED
WITHOUT A FIGHT.
SURE, IT'S A FIGHT THEY'RE GOING
TO LOSE-- BUT THOSE ARE THE
KINDS OF FIGHTS DEMOCRATS LOVE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YEAH!
I'M NOT SURE IF YOU KNOW WHAT
YOU WERE CLAPPING FOR JUST THEN.
WHEN YOU GET HOME TONIGHT, WATCH
THE JOKE.
I'M NOT SURE YOU KNOW WHAT I
SAID.
TODAY, SENATE DEMOCRATS
ANNOUNCED THEY HAVE ENOUGH VOTES
TO FILIBUSTER GORSUCH'S
NOMINATION.
IF THEY DO, THE REPUBLICANS HAVE
THREATENED TO USE WHAT'S CALLED
"THE NUCLEAR OPTION."
WHICH WOULD UPSET DONALD TRUMP,
BECAUSE HE WANTS TO BE THE FIRST
TO USE THE NUCLEAR OPTION
( LAUGHTER )
POSSIBLY AGAINST NORTH KOREA OR
MAYBE JAKE TAPPER.
SO THIS IS GOING TO ANSWER A LOT
OF QUESTIONS, LIKE "ARE THE
DEMOCRATS GOING TO FILIBUSTER?"
"WILL REPUBLICANS GO NUCLEAR?"
AND "WILL GORSUCH GO WITH ONE OF
THOSE GINSBURG NECK DOILIES?"
( LAUGHTER )
REALLY NICE.
SOAKS UP THE GRAVY WHEN YOU EAT
BARBECUE.
I WOULD EAT A LOT OF BARBEQUE IF
I WAS ON THE BENCH.
( LAUGHTER )
SOME ARE SAYING THERE SHOULDN'T
BE ANY VOTE ON A TRUMP NOMINEE
UNTIL WE FIND OUT IF TRUMP
COLLUDED WITH THE RUSSKIES.
NOW, WE THOUGHT WE KNEW
EVERYTHING RUSSIA DID TO HELP
TRUMP -- HACKED THE DNC, GAVE
THAT MATERIAL TO WIKILEAKS,
SMUGGLED DOLLS INTO OUR
COUNTRY -- INSIDE LARGER DOLLS.
DIABOLICAL.
( LAUGHTER )
DIABOLICAL.
TURNS OUT, THE
MOST EFFECTIVE THING THEY DID
WAS CHANGE PUBLIC OPINION
THROUGH SOCIAL MEDIA
BECAUSE SENATE HEARINGS REVEALED
THAT RUSSIA HIRED 1,000 PEOPLE
TO CREATE ANTI-CLINTON 'FAKE
NEWS' IN KEY STATES DURING THE
ELECTION.
AND WHEN I SAY FAKE NEWS, THIS
IS REAL FAKE NEWS, NOT FAKE FAKE
NEWS THAT IS REAL NEWS THAT
DONALD TRUMP JUST DOESN'T LIKE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF )
THERE IS A DIFFERENCE.
SEE, THE RUSSIANS HAVE AN
INTERNET TROLL OPERATION THAT
CREATED FAKE NEWS STORIES, THEN
SPREAD THOSE STORIES USING A
NETWORK OF HIJACKED PC'S IN
ORDER TO "FOOL USERS INTO
BELIEVING MISINFORMATION BY
ARTIFICIALLY INCREASING SHARES
AND RETWEETS."
BECAUSE IF ENOUGH PEOPLE SAY
SOMETHING IS POPULAR, I MIGHT
TRUST THAT IT'S GOOD.
IT'S LIKE HOW IF ONE PERSON
TELLS ME "TRANSFORMERS" IS A
GOOD MOVIE, I MIGHT NOT SEE IT,
BUT IF EVERYONE ON FACEBOOK IS
RAVING ABOUT IT, I'LL GO.
AND BY THE TIME I REALIZE I WAS
LIED TO, MEGATRON IS PRESIDENT.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
DO NOT VOTE FOR THE DESEPTACON.
>> Jon: OH, I WOULDN'T.
>> Stephen: AND ACCORDING TO
ONE FORMER F.B.I. AGENT, THE
RUSSIANS REALIZED TRUMP HIMSELF
IS REALLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO FAKE
NEWS.
SO THESE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT
TROLLS "TWEET AT PRESIDENT TRUMP
DURING HIGH VOLUMES WHEN THEY
KNOW HE'S ONLINE, AND THEY PUSH
CONSPIRACY THEORIES."
THAT'S ALMOST AS DEVIOUS AS WHEN
PUTIN PUT ON A BLOND WIG AND
GUEST HOSTED FOX AND FRIENDS.
( LAUGHTER )
YEAH.
>> Jon: I REMEMBER THAT STORY.
I LIKED THAT.
I DON'T KNOW WHO THAT IS BUT I
LIKE HER --
( LAUGHTER )
PLUS, THERE'S BIG NEWS FROM
NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR AND
DAD WHO TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH
HIS MODEL AIRPLANES BECAUSE
THEY'RE NOT TOYS, MICHAEL FLYNN.
ON THURSDAY, FLYNN OFFERED TO
TESTIFY BEFORE CONGRESS IN
EXCHANGE FOR IMMUNITY FROM
PROSECUTION.
THIS LOOKS BAD FOR TRUMP.
NOT AS BAD AS MAKING MIKE FLYNN
NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR BUT,
STILL, PRETTY BAD.
'CAUSE THE QUESTION IS: "WHAT
DOES HE KNOW ABOUT DONALD
TRUMP?"
AND HOW COULD IT BE ANY WORSE
THAN WHAT WE KNOW ABOUT DONALD
TRUMP?
AND I THINK THE PRESSURE IS
STARTING TO GET TO TRUMP BECAUSE
HERE HE IS AT THE BEGINNING OF
AN EXECUTIVE ORDER SIGNING
CEREMONY.
IT'S FRIDAY.
>> YOU'RE GOING TO SEE SOME
VERY, VERY STRONG RESULTS, VERY,
VERY QUICKLY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> MR. PRESIDENT, TODAY WITH
YOUR TWEET, WERE YOU TRYING TO
TELL THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT TO
GRANT IMMUNITY TO MICHAEL FLYNN?
WERE YOU TRYING TO DO THAT,
MR. PRESIDENT?
WAS THAT YOUR INTENTION,
MR. PRESIDENT, SIR?
WAS THAT YOUR INTENTION
MR. PRESIDENT?
WAS THAT YOUR INTENTION, SIR?
( LAUGHTER )
SO HE DIDN'T SIGN THEM?
>> HE DID NOT SIGN THEM.
>> HE DIDN'T SIGN THEM, RIGHT?
>> STEPHEN: HE FORGOT TO SIGN
THE EXECUTIVE ORDERS AT THE
EXECUTIVE ORDER SIGNING!
( APPLAUSE )
OH!
HE FORGOT TO SIGN THE EXECUTIVE
ORDERS AT THE EXECUTIVE ORDER
SIGNING!
THAT'S WHY YOU'RE THERE!
IT'S LIKE GOING OUT TO DINNER
AND ORDERING JUST THE CHECK.
>> Jon: I AIN'T WORRIED ABOUT
THE FOOD.
>> Stephen: BUT IT'S BEEN A
BUSY FEW WEEKS FOR THE
PRESIDENT.
EVERY DAY, HE GETS TO WORK,
ROLLS UP HIS SLEEVES AND GIVES A
NEW JOB TO JARED KUSHNER.
( LAUGHTER )
SO FAR, KUSHNER IS IN CHARGE OF
BROKERING MIDEAST PEACE,
NEGOTIATING THE WALL WITH
MEXICO, TACKLING AMERICA'S
OPIOID EPIDEMIC, FIXING THE
DEPARTMENT OF VETERAN'S AFFAIRS,
HANDLING DIPLOMACY WITH CHINA,
AND DYEING THE EGGS FOR THE
WHITE HOUSE EASTER EGG HUNT.
( LAUGHTER )
I'M WORRIED THIS MIGHT BE TOO
MUCH FOR ONE GUY.
>> Jon: HE HAS A LOT.
>> Stephen: HE MIGHT NEED SOME
HELP.
YOU KNOW, A BACKUP SON-IN-LAW.
SO, TIFFANY, NO PRESSURE, BUT
TIC-TOCK.
AND THIS WEEKEND, JARED
KUSHNER'S TO-DO LIST GOT EVEN
LONGER, WHEN HE MADE A SURPRISE
VISIT TO IRAQ.
HE WANTED TO GO SOMEWHERE WITH
LESS SECTARIAN VIOLENCE THAN THE
WHITE HOUSE.
( LAUGHTER )
KUSHNER HAD TO MAKE THE TRIP
BECAUSE THE STATE DEPARTMENT IS
A MESS.
THEY HAVEN'T EVEN HIRED A
SPOKESPERSON YET, SO THE STATE
DEPARTMENT HAS HAD TO CANCEL
THEIR DAILY PRESS BRIEFINGS,
WHICH HAVE BEEN A FIXTURE SINCE
THE EISENHOWER ADMINISTRATION.
( AUDIENCE REACTS )
OF COURSE, BACK THEN THE
SPOKESMAN WAS HOWDY DOODY.
( LAUGHTER )
THEY DO HAVE SOME PEOPLE WORKING
FOR THEM BECAUSE, ON FRIDAY, THE
WHITE HOUSE MADE PUBLIC THE
FINANCIAL DISCLOSURE FORMS OF
ABOUT 180 STAFFERS.
WANT TO GUESS WHICH WHITE HOUSE
STAFFER'S FINANCIAL DISCLOSURES
WERE NOT INCLUDED?
I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT: HE'S THE
FATHER-IN-LAW OF THE MOST
IMPORTANT MAN IN GOVERNMENT.
THE DOCUMENTS REVEALED THAT
TRUMP ADVISER OMAROSA RECEIVED A
$25,000 WEDDING DRESS FOR
APPEARING ON THE TLC SHOW "SAY
YES TO THE DRESS."
NO WORD YET ON THE MONEY SEAN
SPICER HAD TO REPORT FOR HIS
APPEARANCE ON "TODDLERS AND
TIARAS."
( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF )
A CROWD PLEASER.
THE DISCLOSURES ALSO SHOW THAT
SPICER OWNS SEVERAL RENTAL
PROPERTIES.
AND YOU THINK "YOUR" LANDLORD IS
A LIAR.
( LAUGHTER )
"HEY, SEAN, OUR WATER HEATER IS
BROKEN."
"NO IT'S NOT, AND, FRANKLY, IT'S
APPALLING THAT YOU WOULD EVEN
QUESTION THE TEMPERATURE OF THE
WATER.
THE WATER HAS BEEN OUTSTANDING.
IT IS THE HOTTEST WATER IN THE
HISTORY OF THIS COUNTRY.
PERIOD."
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
STOP SHAKING YOUR HEAD.
A JUDGE JUST RULED TRUMP CAN BE
SUED FOR INCITING VIOLENCE
AGAINST PROTESTERS AT A CAMPAIGN
RALLY."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ALTHOUGH, I'M REALLY MORE UPSET
THAT HE INCITED VOTING.
( LAUGHTER )
THE CASE CENTERS ON A CAMPAIGN
RALLY IN KENTUCKY, WHEN
PROTESTORS WERE THROWN OUT AFTER
TRUMP YELLED THIS --
GET 'EM OUT, GET 'EM OUT! GET
'EM OUT.
GET OUTTA HERE.
GET OUT!
GET OUT.
GET 'EM OUTTA HERE.
GET 'EM THE HELL OUT.
GET HIM OUT.
GET OUT!
GET OUT.
GET OUT!
GET 'EM OUTTA HERE!
OH, GET OUTTA HERE.
GET OUTTA HERE.
GET OUT!
OUT!
>> Stephen: IT SOUNDS BAD
THOUGH IT IS POSSIBLE HE WAS
JUST DESCRIBING HIS IMMIGRATION
PLAN.
GET OUT!
( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF )
WELL, AFTER THE RALLY, THE
PROTESTORS FILED A LAWSUIT
"CLAIMING THAT TRUMP ENCOURAGED
VIOLENCE AND THAT THEY WERE THE
TARGETS OF RACIAL AND SEXIST
SLURS."
OR, AS TRUMP CALLS THEM,
"CAMPAIGN PROMISES."
( LAUGHTER )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT!
JASON SUDEIKIS IS HERE!
AND I'LL DO A SPECIAL BONUS
PERFORMANCE WITH GREEN DAY.
STICK AROUND.