- What's the difference
between an oral and rectal thermometer?
Oh, he said the taste!
(warm electronic music)
Someone wise once said, life is better when you're laughing.
So let's jump right in, memes V six, no, six, bee-woop!
I have such an embarrassing story about this.
The other day I was feeling a little warm
and because my nurses are the ones
generally doing the vitals including the temperature
I casually grabbed it off the wall without even thinking
and I was so close putting the probe in my mouth.
It had a probe cover, but still.
And I'm about to put it and one of my nurses
grabs my hand, she's like, "What are you doing?"
And I'm like, "What's the big deal?
"I'm just checking my temperature."
She's like, "That's the rectal one."
I almost tasted E. Coli.
Playing with my stethoscope when I'm bored like.
(upbeat instrumental music) Oh, hey bear.
(stick clatters on ground)
Honestly, I do do that.
I've hit myself in the face.
And while the majority of the stethoscope is rubbery
and soft, the end of it, the bell is really dense.
I've hit myself in the head, ouch.
Police medic, he will beat you to health
with his magic wellness-stick.
This is how you get healthy.
It actually reminds me of like cupping.
You know, people walk out with all those bruises
on their bodies and they're like, oh, I feel so great.
I'm like, did someone beat you?
Explaining having an MRI to your patient.
- Loud noises!
- (laughs) Honestly, if you've been in an MRI
it's like LIV on Saturday during Ultra Miami music week.
(mimics electronic dance music)
That's just the magnets, they're making noises
so that we can visualize soft tissue inside your body.
Worst doctor ever, the stethoscope isn't even in his ears.
Okay, the only way I'm showing you this,
we're blurring that, but just so you can get
what the logo is but you can't quite read it.
Kid, when I grow up I wanna be a doctor.
Doc, I'm afraid with your condition that won't be possible.
Mom, is he sick?
No, he's just a. (laughs)
Oh, these are messed up.
The last time I was someone's type, I was donating blood.
Aww, the dating struggle is real.
Oh, is that Thanos with the apple on his head
and a doctor's just melting.
I tried to watch whatever the last Avengers movie
that's on Netflix, I can't keep up with them.
There's so many of them.
Someone needs to give me a summary
or give me like a YouTube summation video to watch
'cause I don't even know what's going on,
but I know that this dude has mad stones
and the apple so the doctor's melting.
Can you spot the dermatologist?
That's so good, ah.
People think sunblock is the best way
to protect yourself from the sun.
No, covering up is the best way.
Then if you cannot do that, you throw on sunblock
and you make sure to get the highest SPF possible
even though SPF above 35, 40 doesn't really do much more
if you apply it perfectly, which most of us do not.
So buy that SPF 75 and spend a few more dollars.
I know you got the money, you have an iPhone,
you're watching YouTube.
You're thinking about getting YouTube Premium.
I know what you're doing, you got HBO,
you watch Game of Thrones, get sunblock.
Actual footage of me trying to pass my courses.
(laughs)
What is that, is that a salamander?
Give it to me straight, Doc.
You, no wait, give it to me gay.
(snaps fingers) Girl bye, you're dying.
Don't play dirty unless it's mnemonics,
then be as filthy as possible.
The hypothalamus plays a major role in the regulation
of basic biological drives related to survival,
including the so-called four Fs,
fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating. (laughs)
The mating should be something else.
It rhymes with puck, luck, shuck.
I got some filthy mnemonics.
Oh, shy lovers try positions that they can't handle.
Do you know what that is?
Comment down below so people can get on the same page as you
and notice that I did it on my hand.
Maybe that's a clue.
Old man, you shouldn't give me that, it's too beautiful.
Girl, that's okay, the nurse said
I'll get it back in a week, oh.
Tell me a sentence you could both say
during sex and in the OR.
Hand me the lube. (laughs)
Pull it harder.
Oh, I was gonna say,
these are too loose talking about sutures.
Great, now you're not even sterile. (laughs)
'Mergency, in 'Merica when you get sick,
you go to the 'mergency room.
Dating a doctor, I had a great time tonight
and I'd like to see you again in four to six weeks.
You know, a strategy that I've learned from my friends
in the past that works very well for dating
is to not overcommit time-wise,
much like you do in a doctor's office.
Like, you set the patient's visit to 15 minutes
or 30 minutes, set your initial visit, date, with somebody
for just a coffee, and if the coffee goes well
then you go parlay it into a dinner.
And if that goes well you go parlay it to Netflix and chill.
But if you right away say, come over Netflix and chill,
now you're committed for a long period of time.
So commit to the coffee, see if it works,
give it some time, let it marinate, enjoy the date.
If it goes well and you're married, hit me up,
maybe I'll come speak at your wedding.
Boss, why should we hire you as a reverse psychologist?
You shouldn't, (chuckles) I like that.
When a patient asks me if their Botox
and fillers are covered by insurance for their wrinkles.
(laughs) That's so good.
There's a lot of things patients come in for
that they expect their health insurance to pay,
and their health insurance is like, no, no, no.
That's just for your appearance sake.
Vampires suck your blood for vitamin D
because they can't go out in the sun themselves.
You ever think about that?
No, you only think about yourself.
You know, that's not bad, that's not bad.
But then why don't they just take a supplement?
Unagi.
What should we call this monthly cycle of women, what?
Women, what about womenstration?
Men, I have a better idea.
It comes from menses, which I think is Latin
for monthly or month or something like that.
I'm not a Latin professional professor.
Menses, nothing to do with men, month, monthly,
every 28 days, a cycle.
Me preparing to hold a retractor
in the same position for the next eight hours.
Okay, for those of you who don't know,
when you're a medical student there's very limited things
you can do to help out a doctor in the operating room.
One of the most important being, is making sure
they have a good field of view, right,
'cause if they're operating they need to make sure
nothing is in the way, but as you can imagine
the human body has all these nooks and crannies,
it's sometimes difficult to get access to an area.
So they have you hold this medical device
that wraps around the flesh of the human body
and you're just holding it with all of your strength.
Oh my God, I've had my muscles cramp so hard
in the middle of these procedures
where I had to excuse myself from the room
and ask to get switched off of holding the retractors
'cause it's hard, you gotta stay in the same position.
It's an isometric contraction, all my body's doing
is sending is sending signals to the muscles,
let go, let go, let go.
This too shall pass.
It might pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.
I've passed a kidney stone.
It hurts so much, there's blood, there's pain, tears.
You like vegetables?
Not really, why?
Then you're gonna hate your wife.
(laughs) Oh my God!
Doctor, you need to stop masturbating.
Patient, why?
Doctor, because I'm trying to vaccinate you. (laughs)
And I don't know what kind of vaccine this doctor's giving.
It looks like it's just a needle with no syringe, shady?
I made a playlist of my three funniest videos this year.
Click and enjoy, stay happy and healthy.
(upbeat instrumental music)