Oh, are you having a good new year?
It's a brand new year.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Brand new decade.
Not just a new year, a whole decade.
And you know what that means?
It's time to replace the Glade Plug-ins in our riff-raff room.
Every decade, we do it.
I can't believe it's 2020.
It sounds like the future, but it does not
feel like the future.
2020.
I mean, you hear that, we're supposed to be
in flying cars and jet packs.
And we don't have any of those.
Oprah does, but she--
[LAUGHTER]
--never lets me borrow them.
She just flies around the neighborhood looking down
on me.
[LAUGHTER]
Maybe it's too soon for flying cars.
Because people in LA, I think, should
learn to start using their left and right turn signals
before we go up and down.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Behind somebody in a jet pack, and their signal's
been going down the whole time, and you're
thinking they're going down.
And they're going up, or they're not going anywhere.
We have plenty of things to fix here
before we start worrying about flying
cars, little tiny things, but we have to fix them.
Like when you're leaving a parking lot,
I don't know why it's so hard to use those automatic ticket
taker things.
No matter what direction you put the ticket in, it's wrong.
You think you have the dark line on that side,
does that mean it's up, down.
You try one side, and then you rotate it 90 degrees.
Then you put your thing down, you flip it and you reverse it.
[LAUGHTER]
And all the machines are just far enough away
that you can't reach it.
And you undo your seat belt so that you
think that's going to give you more room.
It's not.
It moves with you, but you're just
[GRUNTS] And you just had 6,000 calories at Cheesecake Factory
so you're so full you can't stretch anyway.
Then scientists came up with a wonderful idea.
They hired a ticket taker helper.
You've seen this person.
He stands there.
Here's the ticket machine.
Here's you.
[LAUGHTER]
He takes it.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
People are worried that machines are taking people's jobs.
But it turns out people and machines can work together.
[LAUGHTER]
Luckily I figured out a solution.
What I did is I lowered my car.
It goes right under the--
hello, free parking.
[LAUGHTER]
What is that thing called that it goes under?
Arm.
The arm.
That's right.
Seeing if you're listening.
[LAUGHTER]