W- Oh, this place is terrible! M- Oh! This is our favorite mod! B- It's fine, morons!
M- No, no it's fine look. We'll just make an agreement (B- *laughs*) we're not gonna be stupid the whole time.
B- Hey, what's up dude? M- Hey, what's going on, bro?
B- Hey, listen up.
M- Hey, Bob, um- B- Yeah
M- If you look behind me...if you look behind me J- It's slowly getting away...
M- If you look behind me...
M- Just, you tell me if you see anything weird
B- Okay, okay, you know what? I'm gonna go
B- I'm gonna go piece by piece- M- Alright
B- I'm just gonna be meticulous M- Alright, very meticulous,this is how we're gonna make it B- Cone? Cone seems normal.
M- Alright
B- Yeah, this trash can seems normal M- I believe you
B- Some - some bottles here. Actually, you know I kinda got stuck on this trash can, is that it?
B- Is he the trash can? M- I'll give it a whack *whack* W- GET OUT OF ME!!
M- Nope, not him.
B- This one's moving, I'm pretty sure this one's Wade. *Jack laughs* J- Cars, cars don't move, that's just science.
B- Ooh, they're moving together! (M- Ooh, ooh!) B- Ooh, they are assimilating!
M- *Oooh of arousal* W- No! I didn't ask for this!
B- Play the sexy music! J- Guys! Guys! M- Uuunh, yeah!
J- Guys, car goes in, car goes out. You can't explain that!
*Illumininehneh confirmidoo?* B- Oh, s**t! M- *waaaah*
J- Oh f***! B- Oh, my god, they really are *???*
M- I didn't - I didn't think we'd get to see something this rare in our life Bob, this is incredible. *X-Files theme stops*
B- Alright, so which one are you? M- Yeah, which one are you?
W- I don't know anymore!
M- Are you the cone?
B- Are you the cone that's stuck on the front of the car? M- Oh, he probably is!
*badass rock music starts*
B- Are you this f***ing cone!? M- You this f***ing cone?
M- Hey! Hey! Stop resisting! STOP RESISTING! B- You can't run mother f***er!
B- You can't run!
M- Wrong neighborhood moother f***er! Get that cone!
M- Get that f***ing cone!
M- *RAWR* *RAWR* *RAAAAAWR!* W- Nooooo!
*badass rock music stops*
B- You like that!? M- You - you like dat!? You like dat!? (W- Yeah!) You like dat!?
J- You guys got him, you got him! He's already dead!
B- This is a... low- key, low-key session we have goin' on here.
J- WHERE THE F***YOU GOIN'!? IS THAT YOU!? IS THAT YOU!? M- *laughs*
B- I'm afraid it's gonna be too low-key. I just hope we get some good moments out of it, you know?
M- Yeah. J- I hope there's some good Bits out of this map.
M- *noises of disgust* Someone - *More noises*
W- Oh there'll be some good bits.
M- I had a connection problem
W- If you think it's too low-key, wait till thi- *Mark is in pain*
M- Don't, please, I had a connection issue! I am continuing to have connection issues
J- Sure! 'Connection issues.'
M- I... I swear! I- Are you moving? 'Cause I can't see s**t!
M- Am I moving? Am I moving? J- *laughs* Yeah.
J- You're a barrel. W- You are no- you ran over an innocent watermelon!
M- Oh, yeah *surprise noise!* Oh, hi! Hello!
W- Hi.
M- Uhh, well-
J- Was the connection problem in your brain by any chance? M- I can't-I can neither confirm nor deny
J- We'll go look for Bob, you find a- you find a spot M- Okay
M- Thank you for *laughs* your - your graciousness. W- Wait, wait! No, no they l- didn't let me get a spot when I was a car in a car!
B- You were stuck. Yeah, we murdered the- M- You were a cone!
B- s**t out of you, you stupid cone. M- Yeah, you ca- cone!
*laughing taunt*
M- What the? J- What the f***? *all laugh*
M- Someone really thought our jokes were funny there!
B- Some guy on the server just laughin', I don't know!
*groovy tune taunt*
J- Oh f*** yeah! *Sings along to the groovy tune*
*surprise noise!*
M- Oh! Ah! Hi. Okay, well, look, alright. Uhh- J- COME ON MAN!!
M- I'm having a connection issue! B- *laughing*
W- Ohhh god.
B- *laughing A Lot*
M- I jus- Y'know, I *stammers* W- We'll find him in here somewhere. B- No, No I'm not
M- I feel like I just have a better chance if I just stay out in the open, so that's what I'll do.
M- How do you do the taunts?
B- f3 *Yaaaaaay taunt*
*laughter* W- Yaaaaay!
B- Are you outside?
M- I'm still inside
M- I-I decided to hide in the open because I didn't think that my-my skill set was adequate enough to actually hide
J- You're in these rooms, but I don't know-
J- What the f*** was that?
W- Don't leave! M- Welcome to my office! *clears throat* How are you doing?
J- Why 'ndn't!- I almost didn't see you, you perfectly blended in with the couch furniture
M- Oh, it's 'cause I wasn't like this - wait - cuz I wasn't like this.
W- ARE YOU ONE OF THESE, BOB!? M- I wasn't really- J- Ahh, I see.
J- It's like an optical illusion!
M- I know, right. B- No, Mark, if you aim the right way, I think you could line up your stripes. M- Yeah
M- I'm trying to, it's very finicky. It doesn't want to rotate quite right. It's very sticky B- Maybe jump?
B- Jump real quick? Yeah, there you go. Perfect! M- There we go, okay there we go. J- See, Wade, he's here, but I can't see him!
M- Right there, okay, I'm locked. (B- Look at that!) You can't see- (W- I saw something for a moment right here!) wait, no. That's a gaping butthole!
J- He's the couch! *all laugh*
J- Wade, Wade, Wade, Wade, turn around - turn around real quick. Turn around, face away. (M- me?) OTHER DIRECTION WADE! (M- oh, sorry!)
*all laughing*
J- Oh, f*** me! M- *creepily* yes, yes!
M- I mean, not for the f***ing. (B- *laughing*) I was like, 'He's having trouble'
M- In my brain, I went, "Hah! he's having trouble!" B?- 'Good! Yes, good! I'm coming!'
W- Wait, how do you taunt?
M & J- f3. B- Alt f4.
B & M- *evil laugh*
J- Wade is very popular in Amsterdam
M- Uh, uh...hookers! he's a hooker! B- He's a watermelon. (W- Druuugs?) We all know how the Dutch love their watermelon. M- They do, that they do.
M- I h- I-I am lagging everywh- Okay, welp, I'm glad I could help!
M- It's just like every single step I take it's a connection problem. I don't know what's going on guys,
M- I'm having trouble. J- The game - the game's protecting you from yourself. M- No!!!
M- Probably, but that's not... okay. I am floating above my body
(Wade)
M- UUUUUUUUUUUH
M- My brai - I - YUUH
M- You go- UUUH, why am I here now?
B- *laughing
W- Bad internet! *over-the-top imitation of Mark's screams/moans*
M- I cant! Guu - Oh my god
B- It's OK, Mark. (W- I just learned here's a door here!) I've got a hell of a spot here, definitely gonna win M- Okay. I can't do anything right
B- I'll just do it all, don't worry about it buddy
M- You know what, that's probably, Ugh- wait no- wait- yes!
M-YES
B- *laughs*
J- Are things finally going your way?
M- *Laughs* Coming up mark now. It's weal (real) good guys.
J- *Gasps* You're a Wade! Aghhhh- (M- *laughs*)
(B- Oh shit)
J- I thought that- I thought that was one of you guys (W- Ha ha! I'm God!) (M- *still laughing*)
B- Oh shit
M- Surprise, I was yOu the whole time
W- How many times did you steal my joke on tour, Mark?
M- It- It was MY joke! What are you- W- NO, THAT IS NOT YOUR JOKE! (B- *laughs*)
M- YOU RECITED IT SO MUCH, YOU'VE MADE IT YOUR JOKE IN YOUR MIND!
W- THAT WAS MY JOKE ALL ALONG!!
M- NO YOU DIDN'T! I WAS (J- Oh my /God/) (W- YOU DON'T GET CREDIT FOR THAT) I WAS THE ONE- ugh
M- I was the one that was like that- I said "you know what my favourite joke is-" (B unintelligible attempt to explain argument to J)
M- like the pulling a mask off, and then you started doing it! And you can't- W- No, I was already doing it-
W- 'Nd you're like "hey Wade my favorite thing that you do is the pulling the-
W- mask off- M- THAT'S NOT AT ALL WHAT I DID
W- THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU H-(*unintelligible*) M- I SAID THAT WAS-
M- MY. FAVOURITE JOKE. (W- unintelligible to J)
B- Hey- J- Guys? Uh- you do realize the audience watching weren't there?
J- Maybe? And I wasn't there so-
M- This isn't about yooou! This isn't about Bob!
M- Wait, Bob, you can clear this up!
(W- *laughing*) B- If you want in on this Amazing action
(W- *giggling*) B- Go to tour.markiplier.com for tickets (M & W- *laughing*)
B- Coming to a city near you! *getting quieter* Unless you live in the United States
M- I will slice you in half.
W- Uhh, he's a car...?
[explosion] (M- Fff-woah) J- Kay, you're not a saw blade then. *giggles*
J- Oo! Magic ball! *mysterious noise* M- That didn't sound good.
J- "Your health was reduced by 20 HP-" (W- Aw, fUCK)
M- *giggling* J- F****
B & M- *laughing*
(B- *laughing) J- Hate this game! (M- *laughing*)
J- This game hates me!
M- All right well does that mean (B- Alright-) that I might be able to give you a run for your money?
B- Uhhh- I am made... W- Alright, Jack-
B- Of...uhhhh
W- I got this
B- Uh- Brown! how about that? Brown. M- I am also brown. Slightly rusted.
J- So are you a saw blade? M- Yes. B- I'm a box!
J- Whet de- whet de- whet de- but I shot all the saw blades!
M- Maybe I wasn't That one
[unknown]- Oo- Uh- M- UUUUUUGH W- WH- WHAT DID I HIT?
B- How'd you kill yourself? (W- I DON'T KNOW!) M- Oh my god, connection problem!
M- I'll cut ye in half! I'm not even anywhere near you guys. W- Noooooo!
J- Yeah, what the f***! M- I- I-
J- Where were you? M- I don't know! (B- I conquered Wade!) I was underneath the trolley, that's what I was.
M- That was my hilarious joke!
W- It was never yours!
M- You're not mine, either!
W- You're damn right!
J- You're not my real dad!
W- His, the whole time! B- Calm down there, fellers
M- All right, Wade- B- Everyone sucks equally, don't worry about it. M- Why don't you just put your ass out in the open where I can shoot it?
B- oh, that's you. M- your big ass J- Yeah, guys?
J- You know what? I've had a change of heart; don't think I'm gonna come to the London show anymore
M- No! You are gonna be there so you can settle this for us! (W- Yeah!) We're both gonna do the joke-
M- and you're gonna look- W- If you come to that show, you'll know who told the joke first!
M- Exactly you're gonna look at both of us do the joke over and over and you can t- until you can tell who's been doing it longer!
J- Yeah, we'll ju- we'll just kick everybody else out. I'll sit in the middle of the auditorium M- *laughs*
J- Do it! No, again!
J- Are your prop hunting skills as good as your jokes? M- Yes, and they're amazing!
M- So there! J- Both of those things!
M- I won that argument! (J- *laughing*) Handily!
B- Wh- is this (J- hohohoho-) always like this? Is that-
M- Woah! What? (W- Helloooo, it's me) (J- The f***!)
M- Boy- j- oh okay *giggling* W- Welp, okay
*All laughing* J- Wade!
*All laughing* J- What the f***?
M- I thought I was having a connection error so I was like-
M- (W- *laughing*) "Are my bullets working?" J- Yeah, I can see it through the wall!
*All laughing*
M- I was j- "all jeeze, connection error" (W- *laughing*) B- Woaaaaaah
B- Somebody got real upset at this chair. W- You didn't give me a chance to say anything-
W- You were just like "Woah- a GHOST!"
M- I just- well I mean I shot and then I wasn't sure so I shot some more!
W- Well, you- yeah you kept shooting! For a while! (M- *laughing*)
M- 'Nd you just, like, uh, "heey, it's me-"(W & M- *giggling*) like what am I supposed to think?
M- Wait, hang on. There's an orb. Got it- 50 health points!
M- Awesome! W- Why do you get good things?
M- *huff* I can't move, I've got connection issues
M- Alright, I've got extra health and I can't move so I'm just gonna start shooting things!
B- Oh! Oh W- *laughing* Well! M- Never mind!
*All laughing*
J- I'm ready to do this!
W- (B- *laughing*) So I fully thought that was gonna be Mark that got the kill as I watch that happen!
*All laughing* W- "I'm gonna start shootin' things! Bu-bu-bu-bu-bum
B- I- I'll be on your team I swear! Just look I- I'm cool! M- That doesn't sound fair at all
J- Breach and clear, Wade, breach and clear W- *talking over J* That's pretty suspicious B- I assure you-
J- Breach and clear, Wade B- that this is Mark W- Breach and clear? all right, if Mark's in here, Bob
W- THEN WE'LL GET RID OF HIM M- No Bob, how could you betray me with- ugh-
M- Identifying exactly what I am? W- I'm sorry, Bob, I was told to breach and clear-
W- [unintelligible] I need to do B- That's not what breaching and clearing is, just to be- (J- Yeah, I-) W- I cleared by breaching with my explosives
B- just to be /clear/:
B- you're an idiot.
M- That does check out, that story checks
J- Yeah, that- that does (B- *laughing*) W- Alright, so I am, it was me the whole time!
M- No, my joke! My joke! B- Oh, god. Oh no. W- /My/ joke!
M- It's MY joke! B- You both need to stop it-
B- it's no one's joke! J- It's a terrible joke! M- It's not! It's hilarious every time!
W- Spectate this J- Mark, we need a hint! M- All right, I'm a cinder block *laughing*
B- *laughing* J- That's. Not a hint. *laughing*
M- *laughing* Uh, shit-
M- *giggling* I- I'm sorry
B- Uhhhh, I bet you one cinder block you can't find Mark M- Okay-
M- N-DUHUHUHUH B- *laughing*
M- You'll never get me! J- [unintelligible]
M- WOOOOOOOOOOOO W- He's right here J- Missed
M- I'M A B- AAAAAA B- What were you doing??
B- *laughing* M- You'll never hit me! (W- Oh, that's another barrel) My lag protects me!
M- I've got the power of lag and anime on my side! W- Which barrel is he?!
*All laughing* M- Hey, get that ball behind you!
M- Hey, that ball looks really enticing!
M- You see that ball? *panting*
J- No? Oo, I want that ball!
M- *panting* There's another green ball over here! B- There's another one- there's another over where Mark's at now.
W- WH- B- Get the green one.
M- Uuhh W- I died by the force?? *All laughing*
J- I am hit him so many times! WHY ARE YOU NOT DEAD?? B- *talking over* For God's sake! *laughing*
M- *screaming* W- I just keeled over!!
[unintelligible yells of victory/defeat] W- YES! A second win!! *laughing*
B- (M- *giggling*) Wade, you died by walking around, (W- I KNOW) I don't know why you were celebrating
J & M- *giggling*
W- *dejected* Shuut up J- He died by existing (B- *laughing*)
M- Mmmkay B- This barrel is knocked over, is that normal?
M- Wait- pffffffbt J- Oh, shit B- What's goin on with-
M- *laughing* B- 2 of the barrels over here?!
M- Bob I just want you see this? We're gonna- I'm gonna give another chance, just
M & W- *laughing* B- Wait wait wait!
B- Is this, uh, is this like your ca- your sales counter? What'd'ya got? (J- *horrified gasping*) M- *laughing* Yeah, what'd'ya got?
B- How much is one of these? W- We-well, we've got The Drugs J- Oh nooo, oh /noooo/
J- Oh nooo M- Uhh, (W- Thank you) how 'bout- (J- I'm fine.) can I get one of those?
B- Yeah- M- Is it a buy one get one?
J- I'm fine W- Thank you, uhhh B- Don't worry, Jack, we're not even playing the game
J- (M- *giggling*) Okay, cuz apparently neither am I W- I think you're making a mess my my store. What are you doing?
B- We're giving you things to sell us. Take these things- M- Take these things- (W- Oo!) B- Can I- can we land a cone on his head?
M- Try- then we can steal all his shit! Just like Sky-ram [Skyrim]! W- No!
B- Ooo J- Kill 'em! W- Wait, that's how you kill in Skyrim?
W- Can you put- B- *gasping* M- Well- well- *laughing*
B- Don't. F***in'. Move. M- Don't you f***ing move *laughing* J- *giggling*
W- *giggling* B- I have- I have a plan, hang on
B- I've got a- I've got a follow-up to this unbelievably funny idea M- All right, I'm ready for this
B- It's gonna happen, are you ready? M- This is gonna work
B- This is absolutely gonna work M- I'm not
M- If it doesn't I'll shoot him right in the face, okay? B- Okay- he- Ha!
B- IT DIDN'T WORK M- YOU F***IN ASSHOLE *giggling*
M- (J- *laughing*) Where'd you go?? W- Ah hah! Which one am I?
M- Oh no! W- Not the only one standing up!
B & M- *laughing*
W- Ah hah! (B- *laughing*) Can't find me can you? B- Oh no, Mark, which one is he??
M- I dunno! Huh! W- Hidden!
W- Hidden! M- Huh!
M- Nope! W- Oo, I'm the floating one! (M- *giggling*) Wooooo!
B- *laughing* W- Woooooooooo!
W- Knock you, I will! (M- *laughing*) B- Ookay
M- All right, let's tone it down there, Mr. Cone Man
M- Oh! B- That's, uh, that's enough of that, sir
B- If you- W- Oh!
B- Sir, if you could please- /sir/ M- Sorry *giggling*
M- All right, time to get serious now that the asshole went away
W & B- *laughing*
M- Oh- *All laughing*
J- Uhm- (*all laughing*) w- well it wasn't- it wasn't ME W- *cough-laughing*
B- Wait, is this one you? M- Wait, how-
J- UHM B- Oh, /this/ one's you M- Wait, yeah, wait- oh!
M- Oh- oh! J- I- I- I
M- Oh! Oh! J- /Oh God/ W- *cough-laughing* B- Ohh!
J- WuUUHM M- Oh, uH B- Weird!
J- UUUHM M & W- *laughing*
J- You somehow made an immovable object move /through things/ B- Here wait- wait, wait, Mark I have an idea, I have a game
B- I have a game M- Yeah, yeah, I think I agree
M- I agree J- AW JUMP INTO ME W- *giggling*
M- No no no! We got a better game, we got a better game B- No no no, it's basketball!
B- Awww! J- Aw, so close!
M- Aww- AWWW J- Yeah!- AW, off the rim! B- Aww, that's- W- Ooh!
J- Close! Hup! B- Almost, almost, I got this M- Kobe!
B- *laughing* M- Awww! J- They don't- they don't go in!
M- It's like they don't go in!
W- Kobe! J- They roll off!
W- Cinder block? That's not how you play! B- Mark! Mark, pass- pass me the brick!
M- All right, here you go- euh!
B- That's- that's literally not the-
M- Oh, the- oh, I thought you- (W & B- *laughing*) I thought it was like- that was like colloquialism for basketball. I thought- I thought I was being hip and cool
B- No, like, the brick- gimme the-
B- You know what- M- You want the brick?? (*all giggling*)
M- Sorry?? B- It's not important
M- How 'bout this one?? B- It's not important!
B- No, you know- just- you're making it. worse J- Just put something in me!
B- Can you still do the exploit where you can climb with- with, uh, things infinitely if you stand on them? W- Oo, good question
J- Aww. Oh! B- Mark!
M- HUBUBUBUBUBU- ah shit [unintelligible attempts to get Mark's attention]
B- *laughing* W- What the- *laughing* Wh-h-h? M- *noises*
*all laughing* M- Am I doin' it??
M- Am I doin' it??
B & W- *laughing*
J- Yeees!
B & W- *laughing* M- I think I'm doin' it, guys- YES! J- You are SO doing it!
B- Wait, Jack, I'm gonna free you!
B- I'm gonna free you from your prison of. Sadness.
J- Ah. Ah! B- Hang on- M- *panting*
W- Woah! J- Can I be freed?
J- I am not even stuck- I'm not even on the wall anymore! B- Oh no.. Oh no! M- Uh! UH!
M- I act- (B- Mark, what's happening to us?) I can't move- I can't move- J- YAY (W- You did it!)
J & W- *sounds of success*
B- Mark are we taking a bath together right now? M- I am not in the bath, but I'll say yes