-Hello and welcome, welcome,
welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody!
[ Cheering and applause ]
Well, guys, next week, President Trump is planning
to leave the White House for Palm Beach
on the morning of Inauguration Day
and he's asked for a large crowd
and a big, military-style sendoff.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah. Trump wants a big farewell.
He's even requested a red carpet, live music,
and Rudy Giuliani to be launched from a cannon.
[ Laughter and applause ]
It's going to be quite a day. A bunch of Trump supporters
in Washington, D.C.
What could possibly go wrong?
[ Laughter ]
That's right, Trump wants to assemble a large crowd
to remind everyone of his legacy --
completely ignoring the coronavirus.
[ Laughter ]
Trump's basically that annoying friend
who keeps dropping hints that they want a surprise party.
[ Laughter ]
[ As Trump ] Can't believe Wednesday is
my last day.
[ Laughter ]
And I've been really getting into listening to vinyl records.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, Trump wants a big send-off, but, as of now,
the only thing they have planned
is an awkward office party with a cake that says...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Yeah, Trump is expecting a big military presence.
Officials would be like,
"Yes, sir, the, uh,
Space Force is doing a s-space parade.
You just can't see it from here.
[ Laughter ]
Apparently, Trump wants all his favorite
military officials to be there --
generals, colonels, captains, admirals.
I think we actually have a photo.
Yeah, there you go.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Imagine what he'd ask for if he won the election.
[ As Trump ] I wanted stealth fighters.
I want zebras.
I want a cement truck demolition derby.
[ Laughter ]
Really been getting into vinyl records.
[ Laughter ] Listening.
This is interesting -- since Biden and Trump will be
in different places for the inauguration,
they each will have a suitcase holding the nuclear codes.
But, once Biden takes the oath,
Trump's codes will deactivate. Yeah.
What's crazy is that the guy we don't trust to be on Twitter
is still carrying around the nuclear codes.
[ Laughter ]
There's no way Trump still has a briefcase
with the actual nuclear codes.
I'm sure, years ago, someone switched it out
with one of the briefcases from "Deal or No Deal"
[ Laughter ]
[ As Trump ] 32.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Meanwhile, I heard that Trump is still deciding
whether he'll carry on the presidential tradition
of writing a letter to his successor
and leaving it on the Resolute Desk.
I'm not sure how much wisdom Trump has to offer.
So far, Trump's only "advice" to Biden is
to call dibs on the Lincoln Bedroom before Jill.
[ Laughter ]
"No, no, we actually sleep in the same --"
[ Laughter ]
My guess is, instead of a letter,
Trump's going to pull a "Sex and the City"
and leave a Post-It that says...
[ Laughter ]
But this is nice -- Melania is leaving Jill Biden
the same letter Michelle Obama left for her.
Isn't that sweet?
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ] Isn't that sweet?
Speaking of Biden moving into the White House,
there are reports that he may have to leave
his Peloton bike behind,
since it has a camera and microphone
that could be hacked.
Even hackers were like,
[ Slavic accent ] "If you think we want to watch
old man sweat and grunt
to REO Speedwagon,
you're very mistaken."
[ Laughter ]
Actually, I forgot the White House even had a gym.
For the last four years, it's just been a place
to hide from the president.
[ Laughter ]
Some sports news -- the NFL playoffs
continue this weekend
and one matchup everyone is excited about is
Tom Brady versus Drew Brees,
the two oldest quarterbacks in the league.
They're already wishing each other good luck.
Today, Brady called Brees and was like, "Break a hip."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, instead of Bud Light and Doritos commercials,
there are going to be just a bunch of commercials
for the UroClub.
[ Laughter ]
-Hell!
-Yeah, those guys are so old, when they see Patrick Mahomes,
they just pinch his cheeks.
[ Laughter ]
Alright, listen to this -- I saw is
the 20th anniversary of Wikipedia.
At least, I think it is.
I'm not sure because I read it on Wikipedia.
[ Laughter ]
It's amazing -- in just 20 years,
Wikipedia has written 20 trillion high school essays.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, Tom Brady and Drew Brees were like,
"Back in my day, if we want to know something,
we had to Ask Jeeves."
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, police in Argentina
raided a swingers party, but, when they showed up,
the swingers thought the cops were strippers.
[ Laughter and applause ]
It didn't help when the cops were like, "Alright,
we can do this the easy way
or the hard way." [ Laughter ]