Yesterday was a big day in the midterm primary season,
which is basically the elections before the election
between the elections.
Welcome to America. We like elections.
Now, there were three big Republican
Senate primary contests yesterday--
Ohio, Indiana, and West Virginia--
people's three favorite states to drive through
to their favorite states.
"Ten hours to Pennsylvania! Yay!"
But West Virginia was the race that everyone was watching.
And from the news coverage last night, I can't actually tell you
who won, but I can absolutely tell you who lost.
Primary results are in for four states.
West Virginia voters rejecting
the race-baiting, conspiracy-laden candidacy
of Don Blankenship.
Convicted coal baron Don Blankenship came up short.
REPORTER: West Virginia Republicans
rejected Don Blankenship.
REPORTER 2: Don Blankenship finished a distant third
in the West Virginia Senate race.
That's right, West Virginia,
meet your new Republican Senate nominee,
not Don Blankenship! Yay!
(cheering and applause)
Now, I'm not gonna lie--
I thought it was a little weird for the TV news to be focusing
on a candidate who came in third in a primary.
But once you meet Don Blankenship,
you understand that this guy might not be newsworthy
but he was definitely great TV.
Politicians are running a lot of crazy ads.
They blew up the coal mine and then put me in prison.
Now they're running ads that say the coal mine blew up
and I went to prison.
There's no surprise there.
-Uh... -(laughter)
actually, I-I feel like that was a surprise.
Politicians don't usually run ads saying
they went to prison after they blew up coal mines.
Which-- side note-- really happened.
29 people died, and Blankenship served a year in prison for it.
And I'm willing to bet, with that bourbon-and-Xanax delivery,
no one messed with him in the joint.
You know, guys were just like, "Hey, man, what are you in for?"
He's like, "The coal mine blew up, and I went to prison.
There's no surprise there."
Like, "Damn, man. You loco, man.
I'm just here for insider trading, man."
(laughter, applause)
And...
(cheering and applause)
And, believe it or not,
that's not even the reason Blankenship's Senate run
blew up, right?
It's actually for his completely original views
on Mitch McConnell.
One of my goals as U.S. senator
will be to ditch Cocaine Mitch.
When you vote for me, you're voting for the sake of the kids.
"Cocaine Mitch"?
Are you serious?
There's no way that Mitch McConnell is on cocaine.
I mean, it is fun to imagine that he is.
Like, he's actually only 35 years old
but he parties so hard that he just looks like that now.
That would be fun. Just like... (mumbling)
So Don Blankenship set himself up
as the Trumpiest candidate that you can imagine--
antiestablishment and definitely not PC--
which is why he also ran an ad
targeting Mitch McConnell's Chinese-American wife.
Swamp captain Mitch McConnell
has created millions of jobs for China people.
While doing so, Mitch has gotten rich.
In fact, his China family
has given him tens of millions of dollars.
"China family"?
You know, this is one of those things where I know
I should be offended but I'm extremely confused.
'Cause "China family," what-what is it?
Like, "China family" sounds like how your racist uncle refers
to Fresh Off the Boat.
He's like, "Change the station.
I don't want to watch China Family."
And the phrase "China people" was even weirder.
What did that mean? "These China people."
All right, it's a weird phrase, which is why
he got asked about it in the Republican primary debate.
This idea that, uh, calling somebody a "China person."
I mean, I'm an American person.
I don't see this, uh, insinuation by the press
that there's something racist about saying a "China person."
Some people are Korean persons,
and some of 'em are African persons.
It's not any slander there.
Well, you know, um, as an Africa person
and as American persons,
I think we can all agree that that's a bullshit person.
(laughter)
(cheers and applause)
I feel like... I feel like even racists would be mad about this.
They'd be like, "Hey, man, we got words for this.
"We worked hard!
You're ignoring our heritage."
So, obviously, I don't need to tell you this.
Mitch McConnell is not a fan of Don Blankenship,
which is why, after he lost last night,
McConnell dumped on him hard online.
MAN: Post-election, McConnell firing back
with this humorous tweet.
McConnell reimagined as Pablo Escobar for the TV show Narcos
with the message, "Thanks for playing, Don."
Wow! Mitch McConnell!
(cheers and applause)
Making jokes. That's amazing.
It's... it is a bit weird
that McConnell is so confident about it
that he made himself Pablo Escobar.
You know, like... like, part of me thinks
that maybe he is involved with cocaine now.
You know, like, now that it's over, he's like,
"Okay, now that the heat's off,
"we got to get back out on the corners, yo,
"and push that blow.
"Remember to price it at $58.94
so it doesn't look suspicious."
So Don Blankenship came out of nowhere in the primary race
and ended up nowhere afterwards.
But even in defeat, this man was TV gold.
It's time to concede, so we're conceding the election.
(laughter)
(cheers and applause)
This guy... this guy just cannot stop
reminding people that he went to prison.
"Anyway, thank you for your support, and just remember,
"because of me, dozens of people died.
Good night, everybody. Good night."
But you know what? I-I don't blame him
for wanting to hang around and celebrate,
because you heard him. His parole ended at midnight.
So he's a free man now.
Or as Don Blankenship might say,
"They said I blew up the mine, and so I ran for Senate.
"Then they blew up my campaign,
"so now I'm done running for Senate.
"But I didn't get a DUI, so I'm free to do what I do best--
blowing up coal mines."