You're sick.
No hugs.
No, I'm more than sick Ellen.
I've got one of the worst diseases on the planet.
Oh, what is that?
Man flu.
Oh.
Really bad.
Yeah.
It's different than woman flu?
It's definitely, yeah.
When I'm ill, Jane's like Florence Nightingale.
She's on me all the time, helping me.
When Jane's ill, I don't know about it.
She gets up, she goes to the doctor, she's back before I up.
You know what I mean?
But when I'm ill everyone knows about it.
Yeah.
I don't think I'll make Christmas.
Oh no.
There's not hot tea in there anything.
Oh, Well that's fine.
When I have a fever, Portia can always
tell when I have a fever.
I cry when I have a fever.
Really?
Yeah, I don't know why, but whenever I have a fever I cry.
So if I'm sick someone ever says is, does she have a fever,
Porsche's like no she's not crying.
Like that's how you know I've got a fever.
I just I feel like I'm not long for this world.
My Nan used to say that.
My Nan said that for about 20 years.
She's used to say, ah I won't see Christmas.
She was right eventually.
Obviously.
Well, the last one.
Eventually, yes.
Yeah.
So first of all, I'm really glad that you're doing stand-up
again and I am very excited by that.
So am I. It's my favorite thing now.
I hadn't done it for seven years because I kept putting it back.
I always thought, like, stand-up was
the second or third job I did.
I thought I was a writer, director, or actor or whatever.
Right.
But now, this tour, I've been on tour for a year nearly.
And I love it more than anything.
I just want to do it forever now, it's just--
I don't know why.
I think it took me this long to get good at it,
you know, 15 years.
They say it takes 10 years for someone
to get good at something.
And, yeah, it's not revelation-- it should be like
and I've just, I think I've hit the age now--
because I've got old people's rights now--
I can say what I want and no one's angry at me.
You've always said what you want.
Yeah, I know, but now--
but then they thought it was nasty,
now they just go, oh no, he doesn't know what he's saying.
I see.
So it's called Humanity.
It is indeed.
Why?
I just thought it was time to let the world know
what an awful species we are.
We're the worst.
Human beings?
Yes.
Yeah, all human beings.
All human beings.
I love all animals.
Human beings-- could take or leave them.
No, the show is sort of me--
They're the ones coming to see you.
You know that right?
OK.
I know, I tell them, I say, look in the show
I say, I don't know why I called it humanity, I'm not a big fan,
I prefer dogs.
Dogs are brilliant.
Yeah it's me whinging from the most privileged position
imaginable.
Right.
But I think most people who come to see you know
that you're kind of joking.
I mean, you're kind of not.
Of course.
Well, we are animals, yeah, and I like people.
Yeah.
They're just not my favorite animal.
Because when you do tours like that,
you have to do a meet and greet afterwards, so--
Oh no, no, no, no.
I'm in the car before they finish clapping.
[LAUGHTER]
I play venues where the car can get by the stage.
I'm in my hotel room before they're out the venue.
Sometimes I've even held the door,
so they can't get around to the stage door.
I'm off.
Wow.
Helicopters, anything to get me out of there.
No meet and greets.
I'm like Elvis.
Yeah, I see.
I am now.
Yeah.
[LAUGHTER]
So you keep mentioning, Jane.
You all have been together for 35 years.
I know.
Which is a wonderful amount of time.
[APPLAUSE]
And I think you and I are--
They're clapping her, aren't they?
Really.
Well done, Jane.
How did you do that?
We don't know her, but wow.
Exactly, yeah.
Because Portia and I have been together for 13 years now,
and I feel like people still ask us if we're going to have kids.
And it's like we're not.
And people still--
No, they ask people all the time in the press,
why don't you have children?
Which is a really odd question to ask someone,
why don't you have children.
Yeah.
As opposed to asking people, why do you have children?
You know what I mean?
[APPLAUSE]
There's loads of reasons why I don't love kids.
Tell me some.
Well, the world's over populated.
No one's sitting around going, oh, Rick's not having kids
we're going to run out.
There's loads.
Yes.
They're scroungers.
Aren't they?
From day one, me, me, me.
Feed me.
Clothe me.
Yeah.
You don't even have to go on.
That's enough, that right there.
I'd worry sick about our baby.
I've got a cat, and I worry about that.
I check the door three times before I go out.
I put food water in every room in case
the shuts and it's peckish for 20 minutes.
So, no, a human baby is too much responsibility.
I feel the exact same way.
And I love my animals the way you love your animals.
I love animals so much.
And when I see-- and I post them all the time on our Instagram--
anyone rescuing an animal, to me, is a hero.
I agree.
Anybody that sees an animal in trouble
and is rescuing an animal is a hero.
Yeah.