>> Stephen: FOLKS HERE'S SOMETHING WE'RE ALL EXCITED
ABOUT HERE AT CBS.
WE WERE TALKING ABOUT THIS EARLIER THAT YOU KNOW IT'S
TRUMP'S 100th DAY COMING UP THIS WEEKEND.
OUR GOOD FRIEND, JOHN DICKERSON, THE NATION FACE HIMSELF OF "FACE
THE NATION" HAS THE 100-DAY INTERVIEW ON "FACE THE NATION"
THIS SUNDAY.
YOU WANT TO CHECK THAT OUT.
AND ON "CBS THIS MORNING--" IS IT LIVE?
LIVE ON MONDAY MORNING THEY'LL BE AT THE WHITE HOUSE AGAIN WITH
THE PRESIDENT TO TALK ABOUT THE FIRST 100 DAYS.
YOU HAVE TO FIGURE IF HE'S DOING "FACE THE NATION" AND "CBS THIS
MORNING," YOU HAVE TO FIGURE AT SOME POINT HE'LL COME BY HERE.
>> Jon: HE HAS TO COME THROUGH.
>> Stephen: I THINK LEGALLY THE CONSTITUTION REQUIRES HIM TO
COME BY THE SHOW.
THE TRIFECTA.
YOU'RE WELCOME ANY TIME.
WOULDN'T WE LOVE HIM TO STOP BY?
( APPLAUSE ) FOLKS, MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT
NEEDS NO INTRODUCTION BUT I HAVE TO SAY HIS NAME SO THE BAND
KNOWS WHEN TO START PLAYING.
PLEASE WELCOME TOM HANKS.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> NOW, LOOK --
>> Stephen: YES, SIR.
YES, SIR.
>> I KNOW-- I KNOW THAT THERE'S BEEN-- THERE'S BEEN A BIG, BIG
SWING-- THERE'S BEEN A SWING IN THE STATUS BETWEEN YOU AND THE
TWO JIMMIES, WHICH I EMBRACE CONTINUOUSLY.
>> Stephen: WHO I LOVE.
WHO I LOVE.
>> THEY'RE FABULOUS GUYS.
THEY PUT ON GREAT SHOWS.
BUT HERE'S WHAT HAS HAPPENED, STEPHEN-- AMERICA WANTS TO GO TO
BED AT NIGHT KNOWING THAT THERE IS SOMEONE UP ON THAT WALL.
( LAUGHTER ) NOT THAT WALL.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU WATCHING "GAME OF THRONES?"
WHAT WALL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT HERE.
>> JACK NICHOLSON-- "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH" WALT WALL.
AND THEY WANT TO KNOW SOMEBODY IS LOOKING OUT FOR US, THEN--
LOOKING AT THEM, BUT LOOKING OUT FOR US.
AND THAT MAN IS JON BATISTE RIGHT OVER THERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU!
THANK YOU!
>> Stephen: HE GIVES AND HE GIVES AND HE GIVES.
>> SO AS SOON AS WE SEE THAT LITTLE MELLED ONIA GOING, WE
SLEEP LIKE BABIES.
WHERE IS IT?
>> Jon: OH, YEAH I GOT A LITTLE TASTE FOR YOU.
>> IS IT TRUE YOU STARTED LEARNING THAT SIMPLY BECAUSE IT
ONLY TAKES ONE HAND TO PLAY?
LOOK AT THAT.
>> Jon: I LIKE TO GET UP FROM THE PIANO.
SO THAT'S YI STARTED PLAYING IT, YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: IN NEW ORLEANS THEY MARCH EVERYWHERE.
THERE'S NO PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION.
THEY HAVE TO MARCH EVERYWHERE IN NEW ORLEANS, SO SAD.
SO SAD.
THEY MADE THE BEST OF A BAD SITUATION.
>> Jon: EXACTLY RIGHT.
>> Stephen: I SAID RIGHT NOW I DIDN'T NEED TO INTRODUCE YOU,
BUT IF YOU WERE TO INTRODUCE TOM HANKS WHAT, WOULD YOU SAY WITH
BTHIS TOM HANKS FELLOW?
HOW WOULD YOU CHARACTERIZE HIM?
>> UH, UH, OKAY, HERE'S -- >> Stephen: NOT TO PUT YOU ON
THE SPOT.
>> WELL, THAT PUTS ME ON THE SPOT IN A BIG WAY.
>> Stephen: THAT'S MY JOB.
>> I WOULD SAY HERE'S A MAN WHO'S BROTHER IS A TENURED
PROFESSOR IN ENTOMOLOGY AT THE UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS.
MY BROTHER IS AN ENTYMOLOGIST, SO THIS IS TRUE.
IT'S ACTUALLY-- MY WIFE AND I'S ANNIVERSARY IS ON SUNDAY, 29
YEARS.
>> Stephen: OH, CONGRATULATIONS.
W>> WE WERE ON OUR ANNIVERSARY, AND WE SAW THESE COLLEGE STUDENT
THAT HAD THESE ODD LITTLE SUCTION CUPPY KIND OF THINGS,
AND THEY WERE AT THE BACK OF CACTI DOG SOMETHING AT THE BASE
OF CACTI, AND WE SAID, "CAN WE ASK YOU A QUESTION?
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?" AND THEY SAID, "WE'RE ENTOMOLOGY
STUDENTS AT THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA RIVERSIDE," WHICH IS
A BIG THING FOR ME BECAUSE MY BROTHER EARNED HIS DOCKET RATE
AT THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA RIVERSIDE.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS YOUR BROTHER'S NAME?
>> MY BROTHER'S NAME IS LARRY.
BUT HE INSISTS ON BEING CALLED PROFESSOR LAWRENCE.
THEY WERE SUCK OUT TEENY LITTLE INSECT.
AND I SAID, YOU KNOW, MY BROTHER IS AN ENTYMOLOGIST.
AND THEY SAID, "YEAH, YEAH."
AND HE ACTUALLY-- NOT ONLY DID HE GET HIS DOCTORATE FROM
RIVERSIDE, BUT HE USES TO TEACH THERE.
>> AND THEY SAID, "YEAH, YEAH."
AND I SAID, "MY-- MY BROTHER-- WELL, WELL, I'M TOM HANKS."
AND THEY SAID, "YEAH, AND YOUR BROTHER'S DR. LARRY HANKS."
SO I WAS LIKE-- I WAS THE FAMOUS GUY'S BROTHER AT, YOU KNOW, AT
THE THING.
AND IT RATTLED ME JUST A TINY BIT.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> AND MY BROTHER JIM IS STILL ANGRY ABOUT IT.
MY SISTER SANDRA STILL CAN'T QUITE--
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Jon: YEAH.
IT'S NICE THOUGH, IS HE OLDER OR YOUNGER?
>> OLDER.
>> Stephen: GOOD TO KEEP YOU HUMBLE.
OLDER BROTHERS SHOULD DO THAT.
>> HE FOUND MANY A WAY TO KEEP ME HUMBLE WHEN I WAS GROWING UP.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE A FEW THINGS THAT DO YOU THAT WOULD BE
HARD TO STAY HUMBLE AFTER HAVING DONE.
THERE WAS A BIG STORY TWO WEEKS AGO, BARACK OBAMA WAS ON DAVE
GEFFEN'S YACHT IN FRENCH POLYNESIA, BEST OF ALL THE
POLYNESIAS.
>> IT WAS.
WAY WESTERN-- WAY BETTER THAN DUTCH POLYNESIA.
>> Stephen: PLEASE.
>> IT'S NO FIJI OR MONGOLIA, BUT NONETHELESS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'LL-- ALWAYS PAYS TO WATCH THE
AUDIENCE WARM-UPS, STEPHEN.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU DO THAT UP IN YOUR PENTHOUSE BEFORE THE
SHOW.
>> Stephen: NO, NO, NO.
>> BEFORE YOU TAKE THE-- WHAT IS IT THE BAT POLE DOWN.
>> Stephen: I'M UP ON THE WALL, TOM.
I'M UP ON THE WALL WITH JON.
>> YOU'RE UP ON THAT WALL.
>> Stephen: EATING CHICKEN PARMESAN.
>> YEAH, THAT MADE THE NEWS.
IT WAS INTERESTING.
AND BOTH OPRAH AND I WERE REALLY PISSED OFF BECAUSE --
>> Stephen: BECAUSE IT WAS THE PRESIDENT, THE FIRST LADY,
OPRAH, YOU, AND BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN.
>> IS THIS THE WAY WE ARE IN THE WORLD?
IS THIS WHAT'S GOING ON IN SOCIAL MEDIA THAT OPRAH AND I
CANNOT GO ON A BILLIONAIRE'S BOAT TO TAHITI WITH A FORMER
PROFIT UNITED STATES AND NOT KEEP IT SECRET FOR GOD'S SAKES!
IS THIS WHERE WE ARE, STEPHEN COLBERT.
>> Stephen: I'M SO SORRY.
>> IT WAS NOT-- LOOK, IMAGINE-- IMAGINE WHAT IT COULD HAVE BEEN
LIKE.
TRIPLE IT.
IT WAS LIKE-- IT WAS OFF THE SCALE FANTASTIC.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU DO?
DO YOU JUST SIT ON THE BOAT-- >> I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING THAT
HAPPENED TO TOM HANKS, TO LITTLE TOMMY HANKS.
>> Stephen: LARRY'S BROTHER.
>> LARRY'S BROTHER.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENS TO HIM.
HE GETS SCREWED, AND I'LL TELL YOU HOW.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
>> I'LL TELL YOU HOW.
IN THE BAD WAY, IN THE PEJORATIVE WAY, NOT IN THE
DELIGHTFUL WAY.
>> Stephen: WHO KNOWS?
YOU'RE ON A BOAT.
INTERNATIONAL WATERS, TOM.
INTERNATIONAL WATERS.
>> ACTUALLY, NO WE WERE-- ANYWAY, FRENCH POLYNESIA.
YOU'RE THERE AND EVERY DAY IS JUST LIKE CRAZY "LOVE BOAT,"
SCANDALS RESORT FANTASTIC.
AND THEY SAY, "HEY, TOMORROW, LET'S-- LET'S GET-- WE'LL GET
SOME BIKES."
AND THERE'S, LIKE, THERE'S A LOT OF PEOPLE PLUS THERE'S SECRET
SERVICE.
THERE'S THAT ASPECT OF IT.
THEY CALL A GUY THAT SAYS RENT BIKES, ENOUGH FOR EVERYBODY.
I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY-- THERE WERE A LOT.
THERE WERE A LOT OF US.
WE GO ON SHORES AND A RAY BICYCLES HAVE BEEN PROCURED FOR
US, RENTED FROM ALL CORNERS OF POLYNESIA AND TAHITI, BORA BORA.
THEY'VE ALL-- THEY'VE ALL COME.
AND BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG.
EVERYBODY GETS ON THEIR BIKES AND TAKES OFF.
AND I'M GOING TO TELL YOU RIGHT NOW.
THERE WERE SOME GREAT BIKES THERE.
THERE WERE SOME JUST FINE AND DANDY BIKES.
AND THERE WAS ONE PIECE OF JUNK, HUNK A JUNK BIKE.
WHO DO YOU THINK GOT THE PIECE OF JUNK, HUNK A JUNK BIKES.
THE SECRET SERVICE HOP ON THE SHINEOLA BIKES WITH THE BELLS
AND STREAMERS THAT COME OFF THE HANDLE BAR S.
>> Stephen: THAT'S FOR SECURITY.
>> OFF THEY GO, THE FORMER-- OPRAH-- THEY'RE ALL GONE, AND I
HAVE A BIKE THAT YOU COULDN'T DELIVER NEWSPAPERS WITH.
( LAUGHTER ) IT WAS-- FIRST OF ALL, IT WAS AN
UNDERSIZED GIRL'S BIKE, YOU KNOW, WITH THE THING-- NOT THE--
NOT THE MANLY BAR.
BUT THE LITTLE-- THAT THING THAT GOES DOWN THERE.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> IT WAS RUSTED, LIKE, ALL OVER.
AND INSTEAD OF THE HANDLE BARS OUT LIKE THAT, THEY WERE IN LIKE
THIS.
AND NOT ONLY THAT, IT ONLY HAD ONE GEAR PAWMENT OTHERS WERE,
LIKE, MOUNTAIN BIKES 27 GEARS AND SHIFTERS.
I LITERALLY HAVE A SINGLE SPROKET AND COASTER BRAKES THAT
HARDLY-- AND I'M LIKE-- AND THEY SAID IT'S TAHITIAN ISLANDS ARE
BEAUTIFUL TO GO BIKING BECAUSE IT'S SO FLAT.
NONSENSE!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FRENCH WORD IS.
IT IS NOT!
THIS IS WHAT MY VIEW OF RIDING A BIKE IN TAHITI WAS,
UP-UP-UP-HUP-UP-UP.
AND I'M GOING LIKE THIS.
IT WAS SO BAD I PASSED, LIKE, MY SIXTH TAHITIAN CORRUGATED TIN
HUT OF THE PEOPLE WHO LIVE THERE-- THEY CAN LIVE IN LIKE--
IT'S PARADISE.
EVERY ONE OF WHICH HAD CHICKENS RUNNING AROUND IN THE FRONT, A
VERY MEAN DOG ON A ROPE, A MINIATURE SATELLITE DISH POINTED
TO THE HORIZON.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> AND VERY NICE PEOPLE WHO WOULD WAVE TO ME-- THEY WAVE TO
EVERYBODY AS THEY WENT BY, AND THEY SAVED FOR ME THESE WORDS IN
THE LOCAL LANGUAGE, "CRAPPY BIKE."
( LAUGHTER ) LIKE THIS.
IT WAS MISERABLE!
( CHEERS ) IT WAS MISSERABLE!
SO YOU TELL ME.
DO YOU WANT TO REPEAT THAT EXERCISE?
DO YOU WANT TO GO BACK ON THAT VACATION BOAT?
I DON'T THINK SO.
I'D RATHER GO BACK AND GET LEGIONNAIRE'S DISEASE ON THAT
BOAT.
>> Stephen: WHEN YOU'RE ON SOMETHING LIKE THAT, HOW FAMOUS
ARE YOU, IS MY QUESTION?
WHEN YOU LOOK AROUND THAT BOAT AND SEE OPRAH AND BRUCE AND THE
PRESIDENT AND DAVID GEFFEN IS THERE.
DO YOU GO, "HOLY COW!
" OR DO YOU GO, "WEDNESDAY."
>> VERY LOW ON THE FOOD CHAIN ON THAT ONE.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
>> WELL, IT'S ALL ABOUT HOW YOU PARTICIPATE IN THE
CONVERSATIONS.
BECAUSE IT'S REALLY ABOUT GREAT IDEAS THAT ARE TALKED ABOUT AT
BREAKFAST, LUNCH, AND DINNER.
AND YOU JUST WANT TO GET THERE AND HUNG ON EVERY WORD, AND I'D
LOVE TO SHARE A TON OF STORIES WITH YOU FROM IT.
BUT THEY'RE CLASSIFIED.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: OH,.
>> LITERALLY THERE WERE A COUPLE OF TIMES WE SAID, "HEY WHAT
ABOUT THE THING WITH THE STUFF AND THE THING LIKE THAT,
MR. PRESIDENT.
AND HE SAID, "YOU KNOW, I'D LIKE TO SHARE THAT WITH YOU, BUT IT'S
CLASSIFIED."
>> Stephe>> AND HE WAS NOT JOCKI >> Stephen: THE THING AND THE
STUFF IS ABOUT RUSSIA, RIGHT?