- I'm better at sucking dick
than I am at sharing my true feelings.
(upbeat music)
- But yeah, here's something that no guy likes at all.
You know when, like, a girl's on top, right,
before they, like, shove the dick in them?
Again, I know that's not the best way to say it,
but believe it or not, I've tried five other ways,
and "shove the dick in them" won by like a landslide.
So just imagine how horrible the other four were, right?
Suddenly it's better.
So yeah, you know when they're on top,
and they're about to slam it up there?
See? Yeah. (audience laughing)
Yeah, that's what I was saying.
So you know when you're on top and you're about
to shove the dick in you?
Some girls, most,
usually they just start sliding
on top of the dicks before they put it up there.
They're just like, "Yeah, yeah! Do you like this?"
No, we don't. It fucking hurts a lot.
Stop doing that. Every girl ever, please.
Please just put it in there, please.
It hurts so fucking bad.
It hurts, you know?
'Cause you shave or you don't,
either way, you're all prickly down there, right?
And then you just start, like, rubbing that against our
bare little dicks.
That shit hurts.
You're like, "Ooh, you like that?"
We're like, "No.
Have you ever gotten an Indian burn?
'Cause that's what it feels like. Feels like...
Feels like you're my mom's weird friend
that would do that when she wasn't around."
Yeah, everybody remembers that weird friend, right?
Everybody'd go upstairs and they'd be like, "Hey kid,
you ever get an Indian burn?"
And then you'd be like, "No."
And at first you'd be like, "Cool."
And then you're like, "Hey, stop mister!"
- I was not, like, a good husband.
I was fucked up.
I was addicted to porn.
I know, billion dollar industry - just me, right?
(audience laughs)
I was addicted to porn and, you know,
I was 15 minutes late everywhere.
(audience laughs)
I got some witnesses.
And when you watch too much porn, you know what happens?
Here's what happens.
You become, like, sexually autistic.
You develop, like, sexual autism.
You have a hard time with eye contact, verbal cues.
You want everything to be routine.
Like, you can't choke your woman every night.
You gotta mix it up.
Choke-Out Thursdays.
And what happens too, you watch too much porn,
you get desensitized, you know?
It's like when you stop,
or when you start watching porn,
it's like any porn will do.
Ah, they're naked. Woo hoo!
Then later on, now you're all fucked up
and you need a perfect porn cocktail
to get you off.
I was so fucked up, like, I need an Asian girl
with a Black girl's ass
that speaks Spanish
just to get my dick to move an inch.
I'm good now, but I had to go to rehab,
get the porn patch.
I'm a lot better now.
Ladies, take care of your man.
Fellas, take care of your wives, your girlfriend.
Take care of her or she will leave you.
She will leave you either physically or mentally.
A woman can leave you mentally.
That's right, like "Star Trek,"
just telepath out this motherfucker.
There's guys that think they with their wife right now.
(audience laughs)
But no, n***a, she left you months ago.
- But you can avoid touching their dick.
At the end of a date, I always keep my hands up here.
'Cause I'm just, like, trying to figure out if I want
to touch their dick or not,
but I'm just keeping them up here
and kind of keeping my space
'cause I haven't decided.
Maybe I do want to,
maybe I do want to touch your dick. I don't know yet.
I'm trying to figure it out.
I probably-- it's always between,
"Oh, do I go home with him or go home and eat?"
Like that's usually kind of the battle in a woman's mind.
Especially me, like, if I'm nervous about a date,
I usually haven't eaten enough that day,
'cause I'm scared we're gonna have sex
and I don't want to fart during it.
So I've, like, just been like--
so I'm starving at this point.
I'm just like, "I'm just gonna go home."
But sometimes they get frustrated and they're like,
"Maybe she doesn't know I'm hard."
I think that sometimes you guys are like,
"Maybe she doesn't know."
So they'll take your hand and kind of Helen Keller you.
Like, "Hey, I'm hard,"
and you're like, "Oh, thank you, Papa."
I don't know why "Papa."
That doesn't really fit either scenario,
but we had fun.
But then you touch it,
and I do like a hot stove now.
I'm like, "Ah! I didn't touch it."
It's like, I don't want to have to do anything.
'Cause if you don't touch it,
you can just kind of go, "Goodnight."
And float away on a toad stool
and go home and eat in bed.
And then-- but then if you touch it, you have to,
you either have to do something to it
or you have to tell him that you don't want to do anything
with it at this point, right?
And that can be like, you're just like,
"I just don't like you enough now" or "I'm not comfortable."
It's like a hard conversation to kind of have.
And sometimes
I'm better at sucking dick
than I am at sharing my true feelings.
So I blow a guy to avoid telling him the truth.
I've done it so many times.
(audience laughs)
But I just,
for me to make you cum now, it's just like, ugh.
If I'm not having sex, that used to be my go-to.
Now I'm like, I have to blow you?
I'm still not confident in my blow jobs.
And I was, I'm trying to get better.
But recently I gave one and 90 seconds in
the same thing happened that always happens,
the guy just kind of held my head steady
and decided to fuck it himself, you know?
Kind of took over and treated my head like a bird house.
That's how I got through it is pretending I'm a bird house.
I just, I have no rhythm.
I have no natural rhythm.
And so I actually was like, "Thank you. Take the wheel.
I don't know what you want."
I just don't have a good sense of rhythm.
I may be able to show you a good time if you have, like,
a metronome on your nightstand, but it's just not...
Most girls do not like when you grab their head
and just hold it and fuck it.
But I truly appreciate the gesture.
'Cause then I can focus on what I'm actually good at,
which is gonna be surviving this blowjob
because my breathing is now up to you, good sir.
Because you don't seem to understand that I can't breathe
when your dick is in my head.
So I hope you let me get a couple gasps in, here and there.
I always feel like I'm lost at sea when I'm sucking dick
and I'm just, like, emerging,
like, "Coast guard!"
And just getting sucked back under.
I gotta time 'em perfectly.
And I'm good at breathing during blowjobs
'cause I didn't know guys didn't know we couldn't breathe,
but we can't breathe when your dick is in our head.
We can't breathe when your dick is in our head.
I have to get it through to you.
I know you think we can because of our nose.
You're like, "Your nostrils don't have dicks in them."
But clearly it's an open passage.
It's the only way to shut off a girl's breathing.
Let me tell you, it's from within,
I don't know what's happening,
but when the dick is in your head,
you can't breathe through your nose.
You can't, it's like an inside job.
I can't explain, but it's all getting clogged.
It doesn't take a big dick.
It doesn't take deep throat.
It's just all--
and it's rarely deep throat, by the way.
I just want to just briefly tell you that when you think--
I don't know, sometimes you just go, "Take it,"
you jam it and it's not, like, drain snaking its way
gently down our esophagus, like boop, boop, boop.
Like a boomerang of a lady going down a water slide.
Like, oh, so fun.
Easy, easy does it.
No, it's jamming into the back. It's crumbling
into our soft palate.
I'm like, does he know this is a cul-de-sac?
Like, there's no way through.
(audience laughs)
Drive like your kids live here. Like, take it slow, dude.
- I be throwing my pussy out everywhere. I gotta-- (laughs)
I do. I throw it out.
Let me tell you something, I like to get drunk.
I do, I drink, you know,
and I like to keep up with my friends.
I drink and people go,
"Oh, it's fine. She's a big girl.
It's all right. She's a big girl, it's more weight.
She's all right."
And it's like, no, I'm not all right.
I have, like, one Heineken,
I'm selling my pussy on the corner for 25 cents, so.
I'ma suck somebody's dick that ain't offer the shit.
(audience laughs)
I get drunk and I can't hold my liquor,
and then I drunk call my ex-boyfriend,
which I've told my girlfriends not to let me do that.
You know, we all, as women, make a pact with our friends.
We're like, "Listen girl, you know what the deal is.
Don't let me call this motherfucker. I hate him."
Right?
And you go, "Like, under no circumstance,
let me call this motherfucker.
I'm serious, like girl don't."
And your friend's like, "No girl, we promise!
We're not, we're gonna take your phone
and you're gonna be fine.
It's all good. It's all good."
And then you fucking kick back drinks
and then you go to your phone, they're like,
"Yo girl, stop!"
You're like, "Fuck you, bitch!
Fuck you, you got a fucking man!
I gotta call this n***a 'cause I gotta talk to him
about some shit right now."
And you'll be drunk and be dialing the phone,
meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh.
You know what you do.
Meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh.
Meh.
I get angry.
And then you call and then you remember
when the phone's ringing,
"Oh, I shouldn't call this motherfucker."
My last boyfriend dumped me over text message
and I didn't even have a plan, you understand?
I spent 10 cents for this n***a to dump me.
I shouldn't be calling him,
but I'm calling him because, like, I need the dick.
I need the dick. And I think you guys don't understand.
Sometimes girls just need the fucking dick
and we want the dick we used to fuck.
We don't want to learn new dick.
I just want to fuck you.
I already taught you the moves.
You know what I'm saying?
It's a whole thing.
When you fuck a new guy and if he don't know how to fuck,
you gotta teach him new moves.
Like, when my boyfriend left me, I was like,
n***a, I want my moves back.
You know what I mean?
You was fucking up my pussy when I first met you,
give me them fucking moves back.
And I just want to fuck him so I don't have to learn
some dude again.
But guys don't understand when women say we want
to come back to you,
it's not 'cause your dick is amazing,
because that's what guys do.
"Oh yeah, this bitch wants this dick."
And they talk to their friend like,
"Yeah, she's on my fucking nuts."
And it's like, no, we're not on your nuts.
It's just, we all know each other, right?
So it's more like your dick is memory foam.
Right? It's just memory foam.
And I just want to go back to my Sleep Number.
You know what I mean? I don't give a fuck about you.
(audience laughs)
I hate my ex-boyfriend. I fucking hate him.
He was a fat motherfucker.
You ever give a fat n***a a chance
and then they fucking leave.
Where the fuck are you going?
Who the fuck is trying to fuck you?
(audience laughs)
He was a fat motherfucker. I'm a big bitch.
We in there, fucking everybody's titties is everywhere.
Titties here, titties on his back.
And it was like fat smells and shit.
Like, we would be fucking,
and it would smell like a barbecue was happening.
You know, so,
every time we fuck, it smell like Memorial Day,
like it was just...
(audience laughs)
I worked for him. I put in work.
Appreciate the work I put--
He was a fat fuck
whose dick was inside his fucking mound.
His dick was in his mound.
I had to-- you ever had to do this move
to carve a n***a's dick out?
I was digging for the dick!
Why the fuck am I dig--? Like, it was in there!
Sometimes I would have to kick him in the stomach,
just so his dick would pop.
Like bip, n***a, come on.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
- I forgot I was married one day.
Rolled over and said, "You know
you need to get up and go home?"
That motherfucker said, "Bitch, I am home."
I said, "All right,
I guess I'll stay with you till poorer."
No, 'cause my husband always ask me stupid shit.
I don't like stupid shit.
My husband gonna ask me,
"What can I do to make you have sex more often?"
I said, "Leave town." (audience laughs)
Shit, I'll have it more often and uninterrupted.
Can't have it if I think you gon' catch a bitch.
And I know it's a set up.
'Cause I see a lot of little young girls out here
strategically placed.
Cock blocking for us older women.
Young girls make they booty clap.
Who came up with that bullshit?
Just when you think you get ahead,
they come up with some mo' new shit.
They stand there.
(audience laughs)
Sound like popcorn.
I can't make my booty clap,
but I'll make it snap, crackle, and pop.
Hell, I make my own milk.
I won't drop it like it's hot,
but I'll drop it like it lukewarm.
You got to make it hot,
ain't no use of me doing all the damn work.
That's why I didn't like that song Ciara made,
that "Goodies" song?
Talking about, she keep her goodies in a jar.
Hell, I keep my goodies in the jar too.
But you can best believe I'ma leave the lid off
that motherfucker.
So they can stick their hand all down in that damn thing.
I hope they go to the bottom where the crumbs at.
Then ya know they got to lick they finger.
See some of y'all ain't laughing
'cause some of y'all ain't got no cute little mustard jar.
Some of y'all got a big old pickle jar.
It's hard to get to the bottom of a pickle jar.
Don't get mad with me 'cause I use vinegar and water.
That shit stay tight for two strokes.
(audience laughs)
Bust open like a baked potato.