(lid popping open)
(sloshing)
(whirring)
- [Voiceover] Seriously?
Let's film this--
(speech drowned out by whirring)
Are you fucking--
(speech drowned out by whirring)
(groovy music)
- Hey, everyone, my name is Matt Bellassai,
and this is Whine About It, a weekly video series
where I get drunk at my desk and complain about stuff.
On this week's episode, the most annoying types of couples.
Let's drink.
Oh, that's thick.
That is a thick drink.
All right, first of all any couple that chooses to use
pet names around other people.
Hey, honeybee, jellybean, hot lips,
panty stain, cheesy tots, sugar flaps.
Are you dating or are you trying to order off
the secret menu at a Taco Bell?
Either way, I'm disappointed in you.
Couples that share Facebook pages.
Oh, you went on vacation together?
No, nah-ah, not allowed.
There's only one two-for-one special I'm interested in
and it comes with a side of biscuits and gravy.
Couples that only refer to themselves as we.
Oh, we don't like French fries
because it gives us heartburn.
First of all, shut up.
French fries are worth your pain.
Second of all, you are two separate
disappointing human beings.
I can barely stand either one of you,
let alone the super blob you created
by smashing yourselves together.
Couples that are always sharing their food.
What's that?
What's that garbage about?
Just 'cause you bumped uglies that night
doesn't mean you can't order your own plate
of fucking spaghetti.
I don't wanna see your dirty forks swirling around
the same plate of noodles.
Everyone gets their own plate of noodles,
like God intended.
Couples that overuse the word babe.
Hey, babe, babe, hey, babe, babe, babe,
baa-ba, baa-ba.
Babe is the name of a pig,
and he's a better pig than you'll ever be.
Couples that won't stop touching one another
when they're around other people in public.
If I wanted to watch two animals thrash their vegetables
together, I'd pay for the Discovery channel.
Couples that only talk to another in baby voices.
Oh, is he your widdle baby?
Is he your widdle teeny baby?
Fuck him, fuck you and your fucking baby.
You're a grown ass adult.
Do you shit your pants too?
Disgusting.
Then there's always those couples that try to give you
dating advice 'cause they think
their relationship is perfect.
Guess what?
I don't have to wait for anybody to watch Netflix
when I get home.
I don't have to share my luxury Tempur-Pedic mattress
with anybody, okay?
You can take your dating advice and give it to someone
who needs it, like yourself.
(slurping)
There's always those couples who are just way too intense
too early on.
He won't tell me his last name, but I love him.
Guess what?
You've known him for one 30-minute date
at the Olive Garden.
That's not love.
That's indigestion.
Couples that only call each other bey.
There's only one,
one man who you can call bey,
Christopher Pratt, mmm.
Couples that are just constantly texting each other
when they're not around.
Babe, I miss you, babe.
Babe, I miss you.
Listen up, bitch, he went to Chili's, not to war.
Summer, hey, Summer.
You want some?
Too bad, it's all gone.
Thank you for watching this week.
As always, you can find our videos every week
on whineaboutit.tumblr.com
and my Facebook page,
facebook.com/buzzfeedmatt.
That's it.
It fell on me.