>> Announcer: IT'S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH COLIN JOST AND
MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH. GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST. GUYS.
>>> THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL STARTED THIS WEEK.
AM I CRAZY OR WAS ADAM SCHIFF ON MY TELEVISION FOR 100 HOURS
STRAIGHT? EVEN WHEN I TURNED THE TV OFF,
THERE WAS STILL AN OUTLINE OF HIM BURNED INTO THE SCREEN.
WHAT HAPPENED WAS, DEMOCRATS SPENT THREE DAYS LAYING OUT IN
GREAT DETAIL ON HOW PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS BEEN THE GREATEST
ABUSER OF POWER IN AMERICAN HISTORY.
AND THEN REPUBLICANS LAID OUT THEIR DEFENSE, THE SHRUG EMOJI.
>> MITCH McCONNELL SEEN HERE CALMLY WATCHING AN ORPHANAGE
BURN -- DEFENDED HIS PLAN FOR THE TRIAL
SAYING, "THE COUNTRY IS WAITING TO SEE IF WE CAN RISE TO THE
OCCASION." I WOULD SAY MAYBE YOU'RE NOT
RISING TO THE OCCASION, CONSIDERING ONE SENATOR FELL
ASLEEP, RAND PAUL WAS DOING A CROSSWORD PUZZLE AND
SOME REPUBLICAN SENATORS EVEN BROUGHT FIDGET SPINNERS TO PLAY
WITH. I ASSUME TO SYMBOLIZE HOW THE
FOUNDING FATHERS ARE SPINNING IN THEIR GRAVES.
>> I DIDN'T WATCH ONE MINUTE OF THAT IMPEACHMENT TRIAL.
IT WAS LIKE FOUR DAYS OF SENATORS TALKING.
THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE TRUMP'S PUNISHMENT, NOT MINE.
THIS WHOLE IMPEACHMENT IS LIKE A BAD EPISODE OF MAURY.
TRUMP CHEATED AND REPUBLICANS ARE SAYING, BUT MAURY, HE LOVE
ME. TRUMP IS SO CONFIDENT, HE'S
USING JEFFREY'S EPSTEIN'S LAWYER TO REPRESENT HIM.
IT'S LIKE HE'S MAKING FUN OF US. WHO'S HIS CHARACTER WITNESS,
R. KELLY? >> LINDSEY GRAHAM SAID THAT
PRESIDENT TRUMP WAS BORED BY THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL, WHICH ISN'T
A SURPRISE SINCE TRUMP TYPICALLY LOSES FOCUS HALFWAY THROUGH HIS
OWN SENTENCES. FOR EXAMPLE, HERE HE IS THIS
WEEK TALKING ABOUT ELON MUSK. >> HE'S ALSO DOING THE ROCKET S
HE LIKES ROCKETS. AND HE DOES GOOD AT ROCKETS TOO,
BY THE WAY. AND I WAS WORRIED ABOUT HIM,
BECAUSE HE'S ONE OF OUR GREAT GENIUSES.
AND WE HAVE TO PROTECT OUR GENIUSES.
YOU KNOW, WE HAVE TO PROTECT THOMAS EDISON.
>> WE HAVE TO PROTECT THOMAS EDISON?
I THINK THAT'S A LINE NIC CAGE YELLS IN "NATIONAL TREASURE."
>> JOE BIDEN REJECTED THE IDEA OF TESTIFYING IN THE IMPEACHMENT
TRIAL SAYING, "I WANT NO PART OF THAT."
WHILE HIS SON HUNTER BIDEN SAID, "WAIT, HOW MUCH DOES IT PAY?"
>> MAYBE I'M PARANOID BUT I'M STARTING TO THINK DEMOCRATS
ACTUALLY WANT TRUMP TO STAY IN OFFICE.
AVENUE TIME HE DOES SOMETHING CRAZY AND RACIST, THEY'RE LIKE,
OH, NO, DON'T DO THAT. I MEAN, YOU'RE TELLING ME THE
UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO REMOVE A CRAZY
DICTATOR? WE'VE BEEN PRACTICING ALL OVER
THE WORLD FOR LIKE 100 YEARS. WE'RE KIND OF FAMOUS FOR IT.
THAT'D BE LIKE JAMAICA FORGETTING HOW TO UNWIND.
>> A RECORDING -- A RECORDING HAS SURFACED OF PRESIDENT TRUMP
TELLING ADULT CABBAGE PATCH DOLL LEV PARNAS THAT HE WANTED THE
FORMER AMBASSADOR TO UKRAINE FIRED SAYING, "I DON'T CARE.
GET HER OUT TOMORROW. TAKE HER OUT."
IT'S PART OF A LARGER COLLECTION OF SHOCKING RECORDINGS OF
PRESIDENT TRUMP KNOWN AS "THE NEWS."
HOW WAS A PERSON ABLE TO SECRETLY RECORD A PRESIDENT ON
THEIR PHONE. RUDY GIULIANI LAUNCHED A POD
CAST CALLED RUDY GIULIANI COMMENCE.
IT'S THE FIRST POD CAST EVER RECORDED AND UPLOADED
ACCIDENTALLY FROM A PANTS' POCKET.
THE TITLE OF THE FIRST EPISODE IS, I SWEAR TO GOD, "SINCE NO
CRIMES EXIST, IT MUST BE DISMISSED."
AND ACCORDING TO REVIEWERS, RUDY WAS ONCE HIGHLY REGARDED BUT NOW
SEEMS MILDLY -- I CAN'T READ THAT.