- Like, what, uh, uh!
- It's actually amazing. (laughs)
- The sad thing is is that this doesn't shock me.
- I don't know why I read that one.
(orchestral music)
Oh god, here we go.
- I've got the first story, I'm nervous.
- Alright. (clears throat)
I met a guy on Tinder and went to his house for a barbecue.
- He proceeded to get high and then
streaked around his backyard?
- That's actually amazing. (laughs)
I think that's incredible.
- That's a great time.
- There's part of me that thinks well, you know,
at least she got a sneak preview.
- And this sounds like fun, I would have also
gotten high and joined him, so hmm.
He sounds like a good time, have him call me.
- Next one, I was speaking to this guy on Tinder
First mistake.
- And after only a few minutes,
he asked me if I would marry him.
For $10,000.
No joke.
Apparently he wanted to become an American citizen.
- I've had this happen to me.
I was just like walking to the bus stop one time
and this guy was like, $1,000, and I was like, for what?
and he was like, to marry you and I was like, no!
- That's not that bad of a horror story.
I have to say, I mean I would love to be offered
$10,000 to marry somebody, easily.
- Yo, I'm just saying I need 10 stacks.
I don't know anybody who doesn't need 10 stacks.
- I met a guy who seemed to be decent.
Classic story.
- We went to see a movie and he kept talking about my feet.
Mm-mmm, first sign. - How beautiful
and sexy he thought they were.
I was like, thanks?
Later during the movie,
he asked if he could suck on my toes.
- That's just, have some freaking class.
You're taking her to a movie first of all.
Lame.
- How do you even adjust your feet in a way
'cause you're both sitting, so do you scoot over
and you lift your feet up and then he just sucks on them?
- In the movie, you couldn't even wait
'til we left the movie theater?
- Does he eat popcorn while sucking on the toes
and your toes get buttery and moist and that way as well?
- Relatable.
- Once after my divorce, eharmony matched me up
with my ex-husband.
That's the end, that's it, that's all there is.
- Holy crap.
Wow, I mean, maybe you two are a match.
- It is especially awkward when you see people
that you've dated in the past on apps.
- I think I saw my ex's profile and then I was like, really?
The same photos when we dated?
- Maybe eharmony knows something that y'all don't.
Clearly. - I was getting back
into dating when I agreed to go to coffee with this guy.
- He told me 15 minutes in that he'd broken up with his ex
because she asked to sleep without his cat in bed.
- He said I told her the cats were there first
so she should go.
- You get Mr. Catman over here.
You know what I appreciate this guy because he's like,
hey, it's my cats or nothing.
If you ain't down with it, then get moving.
- These are his cats and like they've been there
longer than you have.
- I once had a date cancel on me when I was already en route
because the guy wanted to take a nap,
so yes, I ate sushi alone that night.
That sounds like a good night.
- This is my favorite.
That's great.
I'm really happy that they did that.
- This isn't a horror story, this is like an ideal scenario.
- No, no.
That's so rude.
- I feel like I have canceled en route dates
and I'm not proud of it.
But also we haven't met, so.
- I am someone who cancels for naps, so I get it.
I get it, I get this pain.
- We were supposed to go on a brunch,
but when he came to pick me up,
he said we were going to church.
Alright, totally different.
One is bottomless mimosas.
You can't drink in the other one.
- I'm not a religious person,
but he guaranteed that we'd get food after.
At church, he introduced me to his whole family
as his girlfriend.
- And look, I'd be sucked in by food too, right,
I'd be like, oh, we'll get food after?
Alright fine, whatever, I'll go to church with you,
I'll tolerate it.
- This is awkward.
This is kind of sad awkward.
- That, I think that's the biggest disappointment,
like oh man we're gonna mimosa it up,
and then we're turning up on Jesus' blood.
I don't, it's not the same turn up.
- Last one.
- My date invited me to his house
where he was supposed to cook me dinner.
When I arrived, he asked for a ride to IKEA
because he had just sold his dining room table on Craigslist
and needed another.
- I found out then that he didn't have a car.
Afterward he asked if I wanted to stay the night
because he had a job interview in the morning
that he needed a ride to.
- That sucks.
This guy probably like smokes a lot of weed
and like has a skateboard too.
- Yo this guy's just looking for a sugar momma,
like he's just looking for a hook up. (laughs)
- I like to think that this guy just does this,
he just goes on dates when he needs to run errands.
- Who's the person that falls for this?
Like you know what yeah I will stay the night,
sleep with you and then drive you around,
like that is the best lift service ever.
- Oh god, what a loser.
Definitely skateboards,
probably doesn't even have a bed frame,
this guy's mattress is on the floor.
- Overall, this just shows how low the bar is set for men.
Where I just need to be generally nice
and not send a picture of my penis
and I think I'm on the higher grade of dudes,
which is completely and utterly sad.
- I guess maybe we all just need to be like,
what are your fetishes before I go on this date with you?
- If he shows up and we have a decent conversation
and if and I don't feel uncomfortable,
then that's like an A plus date to me.
- This does make me feel better about not dating
'cause this is the world of trash.
This is a pile of trash.
Also, it's fine to be single.
Being okay with being single is the best way to find someone
that you want to be with.
So, learn to be okay being alone.
- I am hoping that us joking around
about these weirdo stories will shine some light on people
and how to properly treat each other,
but yeah, overall, good luck.
Godspeed and good luck out there because it is a jungle.
But just know you are worth it and if you like sucking toes,
just be respectful about it.
- I'm not a skateboarding guy, I just can't.
This is literally Tinder in paper form.
(upbeat music)