WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS )
MIDTERM FEVER, MIDTERM FEVER IN THIS HOUSE RIGHT NOW.
EVERYBODY IS GOING TO VOTE, RIGHT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOW THE MIDTERMS ARE EXACTLY THREE WEEKS FROM TONIGHT AND WE
WILL BE LIVE, OKAY.
WE'RE READY.
WE'RE ALREADY STOCKING UP ON THE BOURBON.
( LAUGHTER )
WE'RE GETTING OUR NEWS DIRECTLY FROM OUR I.T. GUY IN MOSCOW.
SEE YOU IN NOVEMBER, DMITRI.
BUT PRESIDENT TRUMP ALREADY SCORED ONE VICTORY THIS WEEK,
AND WE'VE GOT ALL THE DEETS IN TONIGHT'S "STORMY WATCH."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS.
FOLKS, EARLIER THIS YEAR, TRUMP CALLED STORMY A LIAR ON TWITTER,
SO SHE FILED A LAWSUIT CLAIMING THAT PRESIDENT TRUMP DEFAMED
HER.
BUT YESTERDAY, A JUDGE THREW OUT STORMY'S DEFAMATION LAWSUIT
AGAINST TRUMP AND ORDERED HER TO PAY TRUMP'S LEGAL FEES.
NOW, OKAY, THAT'S TOUGH.
BUT IF SHE'S LOOKING FOR A WAY TO RAISE MONEY, I'VE GOT AN
IDEA: LAUNCH A GOFUNDME CAMPAIGN CALLED, "FOR
$10-MILLION, I WILL STOP DESCRIBING DONALD TRUMP'S
PENIS."
GOT A WALLET?
GOT ANY CASH?
>> Jon: CRASH?
I HAVE SOME CASH, I THINK.
>> Stephen: AND THE JUDGE'S REASONING FOR WHY HE THREW THE
CASE OUT-- IT'S A LITTLE UPSETTING.
TRUMP CALLED STORMY A LIAR ON TWITTER, BUT JUDGE S. JAMES
OTERO RULED THAT TRUMP'S SPEECH WAS PROTECTED BY THE FIRST
AMENDMENT BECAUSE HE SAID IT WAS THE KIND OF "RHETORICAL
HYPERBOLE" NORMALLY ASSOCIATED WITH POLITICS AND PUBLIC
DISCOURSE IN THE UNITED STATES.
( BOOING ) IT'S ONLY NORMAL BECAUSE TRUMP
MADE IT NORMAL, LIKE HOW NOW IT'S NOW NORMAL TO BE BUDDIES
WITH KIM JONG-UN, YET FEAR THE CRUEL AND DEVIOUS CANADIANS.
TRUMP TOOK IMMEDIATE ADVANTAGE OF THE NEW NORMAL, TWEETING,
'FEDERAL JUDGE THROWS OUT STORMY DANIALS LAWSUIT VERSUS TRUMP.
TRUMP IS ENTITLED TO FULL LEGAL FEES."
FEES.'.
@FOXNEWS.
GREAT, NOW I CAN GO AFTER HORSEFACE."
YES, "HORSEFACE."
YOU HEARD IT STRAIGHT FROM THE HORSE'S ASS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YAH!
NOT SURE WHAT I'M RIDING IN THAT METAPHOR.
( LAUGHTER )
RATE LAWYER IN THE GREAT STATE OF TEXAS.
SHE WILL CONFIRM THE LETTER SHE SIGNED!
SHE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT ME, A TOTAL CON!"
THAT IS TRUE-- YOU ARE A TOTAL CON.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT-- COMMA, COMMA.
A TOTAL CON.
♪ A TOTAL CON.
>> Stephen: BUT ON TWITTER, JUST LIKE IN REAL LIFE, STORMY
QUICKLY SPANKED THE PRESIDENT, RETWEETING HIS INSULTING TIRADE
AND ADDING, "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MAY I PRESENT YOUR
PRESIDENT.
IN ADDITION TO HIS... UM...
SHORTCOMINGS, HE HAS DEMONSTRATED HIS INCOMPETENCE,
HATRED OF WOMEN, AND LACK OF SELF-CONTROL ON TWITTER AGAIN!
AND PERHAPS A PENCHANT FOR BESTIALITY.
GAME ON, TINY."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WOW!
WOOO!
THAT IS THE MOST DEVASTATING PRESIDENTIAL PUTDOWN SINCE JOHN
WILKES BOOTHE SHOUTED, "SIC SEMPER SMALL PENIS!"
( LAUGHTER )
UNITED STATES AND A PORN STAR ARE EXCHANGING AD HOMINEM
ATTACKS ON TWITTER-- OR AS JUDGE OTERO WOULD CALL IT: NORMAL.
( LAUGHTER )
PROBLEMS THAN STORMY BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING MORE AND MORE
LIKE HIS BUDDIES IN SAUDI ARABIA MURDERED "WASHINGTON POST"
JOURNALIST JAMAL KHASHOGGI IN THEIR ISTANBUL CONSULATE.
THEY'RE CERTAINLY ACTING SUSPICIOUS.
FOR INSTANCE, BEFORE TURKISH INVESTIGATORS WERE ALLOWED INTO
THE BUILDING, THE SAUDIS BROUGHT IN A CLEANING CREW.
YES, THEY USED SAUDI ARABIA'S TOP-SELLING BRAND, MR. GUILTY.
AND IF THAT'S NOT BAD ENOUGH, TODAY, TURKISH INVESTIGATORS WHO
SEARCHED THE SAUDI CONSULATE IN ISTANBUL FOUND SURFACES THERE
NEWLY PAINTED OVER.
OF COURSE, THE PRESIDENT BLAMED IT ON A GANG OF "ROGUE
PAINTERS."
( LAUGHTER )
WORK.
BECAUSE "A HIGH-LEVEL TURKISH OFFICIAL SAYS POLICE HAVE FOUND
'CERTAIN EVIDENCE' DURING THEIR SEARCH OF THE SAUDI CONSULATE
SHOWING THAT SAUDI WRITER JAMAL KHASHOGGI WAS KILLED THERE."
THE BIGGEST CLUE WAS WHEN THE CONSULATE'S "DAYS SINCE A
MURDER" BOARD WAS TURNED BACK TO ZERO.
( LAUGHTER )
BE EITHER STUPID OR DELUSIONAL TO BELIEVE THE SAUDIS' DENIALS.
LUCKILY, OUR PRESIDENT IS BOTH.
( LAUGHTER )
PRINCE OF SAUDI ARABIA WHO TOTALLY DENIED ANY KNOWLEDGE OF
WHAT TOOK PLACE IN THEIR TURKISH CONSULATE.
HE WAS WITH SECRETARY OF STATE MIKE POMPEO DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT,
DOT, DOT DURING THE CALL AND TOLD ME THAT
HE HAS ALREADY STARTED, AND WILL RAPIDLY EXPAND, A FULL AND
COMPLETE INVESTIGATION INTO THIS MATTER.
ANSWERS WILL BE FORTHCOMING SHORTLY."
( AS TRUMP )
SAID THERE'D BE A FULL INVESTIGATION.
ALL THE PRINCE SAYS HE NEEDS IS MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER, MY
BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER, AND MY MOTHER'S MAIDEN NAME, AND HE
PROMISED TO TRANSFER THE FUNDS FROM NIGERIA TOMORROW.
WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE RICH.
WE'RE ALL-- WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE RICH."
( APPLAUSE )
SAUDIS?
SOME JOURNALISTS HAVE POINTED TO THE PRESIDENT'S BUSINESS
DEALINGS AS A POSSIBLE EXPLANATION.
BUT TRUMP SHOT THAT DOWN TODAY, TWEETING, "FOR THE RECORD, I
HAVE NO FINANCIAL INTERESTS IN SAUDI ARABIA-- OR RUSSIA, FOR
THAT MATTER.
ANY SUGGESTION THAT I HAVE IS JUST MORE FAKE NEWS-- OF WHICH
THERE IS PLENTY!"
YES, TRUMP IS OFFENDED THAT YOU WOULD THINK HE'D DEFEND THESE
DESPOTS FOR MONEY.
HE DOES IT BECAUSE HE SWORE LOYALTY ON THE ORB!
TRUMP MUST OBEY THE ORB!
THE ORB!
HELLO.
(LAUGHTER)
I SAY THIS-- CAN WE SHOW-- CAN WE SHOW THAT SHOT AGAIN?
CAN WE SHOW THE FIRST SHOT?
I GOTTA SAY-- STRONG UPLIGHT DOES NOT MAKE YOU LOOK INNOCENT.
( LAUGHTER )
BUSINESS DEALINGS WITH SAUDI ARABIA.
HERE WITH A COUNTERPOINT IS DONALD TRUMP.
>> SAUDI ARABIA AND I GET ALONG GREAT WITH ALL OF THEM.
THEY BUY APARTMENTS FROM ME, MILLION.
AM I SUPPOSED TO DISLIKE THEM?
I LIKE THEM VERY MUCH.
>> Stephen: NOW, SURE, THAT FOOTAGE SEEMS PRETTY DAMNING,
BUT-- >> SAUDI ARABIA --
>> Stephen: OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
NO, NEVER HAPPENED.
OKAY, THERE YOU GO.
IT'S ALL GONE NOW.
YEAH.
( APPLAUSE )
TRUMP MAKING NEWS ON TWITTER THESE DAYS.
THIS MORNING, IVANKA TWEETED "THE SECRET OF CHANGE IS TO
FOCUS ALL OF YOUR ENERGY, NOT ON FIGHTING THE OLD, BUT ON
BUILDING THE NEW, SOCRATES."
SHE'S SHOWING OFF THAT IVY LEAGUE EDUCATION.
OF COURSE, MY FAVORITE SOCRATES QUOTE IS, "I NEVER SAID ANY OF
THAT, YOU DINGUS."
( LAUGHTER )
OUT, THE QUOTE WASN'T FROM A GREEK PHILOSOPHER, BUT A GAS
STATION ATTENDANT CALLED SOCRATES IN A FICTIONALIZED
MEMOIR WRITTEN BY FORMER AMERICAN GYMNAST DAN MILLMAN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YES, DAN MILLMAN.
OR AS HE'S KNOWN IN THE FICTIONALIZED MEMOIR
COMMUNITY, "THE ARISTOTLE OF THE POMMEL HORSE."
I LOOK FORWARD TO ALL THE OTHER INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES THAT
IVANKA'S GOING TO TWEET LIKE