First, I want to talk about something.
And that something is not talking about something.
We're in the thick of the holiday season.
We all know the holidays are a tense time.
People are stressed out.
There's different personalities.
Sometimes, the only thing we have in common with our family
is the last name and heartburn.
But I'm here to help.
I've come up with a list of safe subjects
to talk about with your family this holiday season.
All right?
Guaranteed non-offensive, non-political, non-exciting
topics of conversation.
Plants, who can be offended by a plant?
Plants are beautiful to look at.
They give us oxygen. They get you high.
Actually, that could be a problem.
Because your Grandma Lulu doesn't think the wacky tobaccy
should be legal.
She can suck down the peppermint schnapps, but no, don't--
no smoking.
So, all right, here's a safer subject-- home decor.
I can talk about home decor all day long.
I love it.
Look around a room and find something
to talk about that you can compliment.
You know, a piece of furniture, or a piece of art,
or wallpaper.
You know what?
Don't say, "wallpaper" because then Uncle Harry hears "wall"
and he's off to the racist.
I mean races.
Definitely don't mention races, because that'll bring up
Aunt Susan's gambling problem.
So forget that.
All right.
Talk about-- you know what?
Food.
People love to talk about food, especially dessert.
People love dessert.
And there's always a pie around.
All kinds of pies.
There's pecan pie, apple pie, peach pie.
Don't say, "peach."
No.
Because that sounds like "impeachment."
And now Cousin Adam is mad.
All right.
Weather, you can really-- that's--
you can talk about the weather.
You say, you know--
because that's boring, really.
You just go, hey, how about the weather?
You know?
Or, what a beautiful day.
Or, you know, it's chilly.
It sure is cold outside because this time of year
the climate is changing.
Don't say, "climate change."
Here's what we should do.
We should gather around, everybody
around the television, watch my show.
That's what you do.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
Yeah.