What should you do when a narcissist turns your friends against you?
Hi, welcome to today's Little Lesson.
Thank you so very much for joining me.
In our previous two Little Lessons, we've been talking about a personality disorder
that psychologists have coined narcissistic personality disorder.
Narcissism is characterized by a grandiose view of oneself.
A very, very important person who sees other people as a potential admirers, and that's
what they're trying to collect.
A person who never takes the blame for anything because they're living in a fantasy world
where they do everything so well.
And they're very quick to tell you how well they are doing.
And they're often bullies and they often deal disappointment by anger, outbursts of anger
and rage that everyone walks on eggshells around them.
So one of the things that narcissists will do if you let them into your life, is that
they will begin to target your friends, especially if you're not giving them quite the admiration
that they feel that they deserve.
And again, narcissists have an extreme need for affirmation and even adoration.
And so they are looking for people who will provide that for them.
And they'll go after anyone who admires you, because they actually become jealous of the
admiration that you're receiving.
And they'll try to take it for themselves.
And how can they do that?
Well, they can do that if they could turn your friends against you.
I know it sounds hard to believe, but again, narcissism is a higher form of selfishness
than what you would normally see in standard human behavior.
And narcissists, it's a moral issue and it's a conscious issue, but they're ignoring their
conscious in these instances.
And so they'll be jealous if people admire you, and so they'll go after those people
to try to get them to change their view of you.
And of course they can't go against you overtly, it has to be very covertly.
And so they'll say lots of nice things about you to your friends, but once they've won
the confidence of your friends, then they'll say, "I think you should know this about David."
I'm just using and my myself as an example here.
"Now he is a great guy, but a lot of people don't realize, and I do because I've gotten
to know him so well, blah, blah, blah."
And plant these seeds in the minds of people they trust.
So then you discover that your friends are kind of avoiding you because the narcissist
has turned them against you.
And this narcissist is a person in your life whom you trust.
Hard to get along with, but you're putting up with them.
And you just don't realize the damage that they're doing behind the scenes.
And, in order to get admiration the way that they can lift themselves up is by putting
you down.
If you squash a bug it elevates you a little bit, and that's how the narcissist thinks.
And so what should you do if you find yourself victimized by that common characteristic of
the narcissist?
Well, you're fighting a battle now because if your friends have bought in to the lies,
when you go to them and defend yourself, you're the second person coming now, you're defending
yourself.
You weren't the first to bring the news.
You're the second to bring the news, and they've already believed the first person who brought
the news.
If they were a true friend, they would've come to you and said, "Hey, so-and-so is saying
these things about you, and I don't want to believe it.
In fact, I don't believe it.
And I think I should warn you of what they're saying about you.
But if there's any truth, I'm going to give you a chance to talk."
But friends that aren't worth having are people who will listen to rumors and slander, and
lies against you, and keep it quiet from you.
And when you discover it, and then you try to defend yourself, it's too late.
It's too late.
So you have to, surely at that point in time, is this really a friend worth striving to
keep?
Because they believed a lie about me, they're not even willing to listen to facts, examine
the truth.
They feel like I'm attacking them because I'm challenging their viewpoint.
Are these really friends that I want to fight to keep?
And they're probably not.
They're probably not.
So let them go.
Just let them go.
And you need to get that narcissist out of your life.
That's all you can do.
Now, I've talked in the previous lesson about biblical confrontation, and that's something
that we are obligated to do.
With the narcissist, your chances of success are slim to none.
Nevertheless, we have an obligation.
Jesus sends us to preach the gospel to people he knows aren't going to receive it.
We still have to tell them the truth because then they're held accountable for it.
And so it's not a pleasant experience, but you go to the narcissist say, "Hey, you're
spreading lies about me and I don't appreciate it.
And here's what you said."
And you're going to run into every objection.
There's a very good chance that you're going to come out the loser in that.
But then you can wash your hands.
And the narcissist will never be...
In fact, if the narcissist knows you're coming to confront him or her, that they'll find
an excuse to not meet with you.
And if they do meet with you and you are at loggerheads, the narcissist would never agree
to follow the biblical principles of reconciliation, of getting one or two to come with you and
mediate.
Nah.
And what will they say?
They'll blame you again.
"Well, you'll never change."
To the narcissist, it's always your fault.
Okay.
And you can begin to second guess yourself and wonder, and you begin to think, maybe
there is a problem with me, and so forth.
This is why there's so many psychologists who specialize in recovery from narcissistic
relationships, because people come out of them with their minds spinning.
And they've been gaslighted.
They're questioning their own sanity and so forth.
And it's a terrible, terrible experience.
Your heart goes out to anyone who's been through that.
So, you get better as time goes on.
And you get to see these signs of the self-centered narcissist once you've encountered one, and
you learn to avoid having relationships with them so that they can't turn your friends
against you.
Because in many cases you introduce them to your friends as a courtesy to them, and then
what do you get in return for it?
They turn your friends against you.
It's horrible.
It is horrible.
But God up in heaven sees it all.
And again, friends that can be pulled away so easily by the lie, and again, the very,
very sly, very calculated, very charming lies of the narcissist.
But still, the friend who can be pulled away from a friendship with you because they believe
the lies of the narcissist is not a friend worth keeping.
They're not really a friend.
Okay.
So you just have to face up to that and say, "Well, glad God opened my eyes.
God gave me some real friends.
People that wouldn't just listen to anything about me.
And if they did, they would definitely tell me."
All right, if you've never been to heavensfamily.org, please check us out there.
These Little Lessons are just one small, small part of the Ministry of Heaven's Family, reaching
out around the world to people that are really suffering amongst the Body of Christ.
And working in about 40 different developing nations with believers, precious believers
who, you have something to offer them.
And that's what heaven's family is all about.
Connecting people like you and me with the least of these, the people that Jesus called
the least of these all over the world.
Okay, until next time, may the Lord bless you richly.